Unbreakable
by Americanpyscho
Summary: The mind is fragile. It can easily be twisted and manipulated. The Colors reform his brain, controlling his feelings and his life. Will he ever escape the endless torture? Or is he doomed to endure without memories to comfort him? Even with the help of his brothers, will he ever be the same? Will he ever remember who he was? Darker themes
1. Chapter 1: Purple

**New story! Woo! Okay so this story is going to be darker so BEWARE TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE DARK THEMES. I am a psychology nut so this story is going to be based around more of psychological aspects..but I will have some physical and somewhat brutal situations too... HOPE YOU LIKE IT.**

As I am dragged across the cold floor, I fight to keep conscious. My entire body throbs with pain but it's nothing I'm not used to. Pain isn't new. My eyes focus on the cement ground, watching the the trail of blood following me. Honestly, I don't know where the blood is coming from. I'm not sure if I even care. How could I when I'm stuck in a trance. It's as if I see myself from someone else's hazy point of view. It's like I now have two identities, my spiritual self and my physical self.

My spiritual self watches the destruction of my physical body in bitter silence. The longer I watch, the farther I fade away. My spirit is starting to wane with the bones. I am broken.

I glance up at The Guard and ignore his grip around my shell. I hear a door creak open and then he flings me across the room. I hit the ground hard.

Ah...cozy as ever.

"Don't get too comfortable. It will only take a second to prepare." The Guard says gruffly. He then turns on his heel and leaves me alone with the darkness.

I shiver, more from the rising fear rather then the cold. I can recall a time where I was afraid to be afraid but that's stupid. Why fight what you can't control?

There are only a few things that I can remember, and all of them are from within this place. I don't remember anything about my past. I can't tell you who I am or who I used to be. I don't know my name or where I came from. This should scare me too and it did, for a while at least. Now, I am numb. I've been in here for so long, and I've learned the golden rule on suffering, get used to it.

I don't deserve to have a past anyways, I don't deserve to be someone.

I don't fight the Colors anymore. I'm not even sure if I could even if I wanted to. Of course, I still seem to scream and cry out, but I don't know who I am crying for. I'm not sure who I want to hear me. So why do I still bother?

I look down at the blood leaking from the unknown section of my body. I always seem to be covered in blood. It's honestly shocking that I have survived as long as I have. I have lost so much blood. Sometimes I wish I would die. Everyday I wake up to the sound of my mind aching for death. The same thoughts plaguing my soul every minute of every day; Wouldn't it be nice if the pain and torment went away? Wouldn't it be nice if all of this stopped?

What I am holding on for?

I think I had a family once. Sometimes I dream about them, I catch glimpses of colors and laughter, but when I wake they vanish and take the peaceful memories with them. They must not have cared that I was taken; they must have left me here with the Colors. Is it because I am _worthless_? Because I am _nothing_? I rub my finger along my tormented wrists and have an urge to cut deep into them, to feel the blood drip down my arms. I itch for the satisfying ice of the blade digging into my wrist.

_I am alone. _

Maybe I should just give up. It is time for me to give up.

My eyes close and my body starts to give into sleep. I remember when I would stay awake for a long time, I would cry and scream for hours on end. I don't anymore. Now I am silent, partners with the darkness. Now I only scream when the Colors tell me to.

I welcome sleep. I pray that maybe this time, I won't wake up. Sleep doesn't hurt; it's the only thing in my life that doesn't hurt. Maybe I'll dream of them, my family. I wish I could remember their faces, their voices. Maybe if I did it would give me hope.

I am too tired to move. My body is broken and my spirit is fading. How long have I been here? How long have I suffered? How long have I gone without a memory to comfort me? I don't know. I need the Colors to tell me. Out of all the unknowns I am clearly aware of one thing, I am dying. I am giving up. My eyes shut tight. This is it; this is when I will die. Would it be such a terrible way to go, in my sleep? I think not.

My breathing slows as I feel my consciousness passing into a blissful slumber.

Yet...something in me still wants to fight. I don't know how or why but a part of me is aching to live. A new courage festers within me. Within these past couple of weeks, days, or maybe just a few hours, the need to survive is starting to burn.

I am too close to sleep and I don't hear the door of my cell open. I am painfully aware that someone is in here with me when I find myself being jerked up. My legs groan in protest as I get to my feet. When I look up, I see Purple.

Purple.

Something snaps within me and I remember how to feel afraid. I remember.

Purple means pain, fear, scream.

Not Purple. Not now, please not now. No. I hiss and scream at the sight of him. I am supposed to scream. I'm supposed to be afraid, and I afraid I am.

He ignores my cries and shoves me forward.

I remember fear, so much fear. So much pain. I hear a loud howl rip from my throat and it echos against the dark cell. The walls turn away as I am pushed out, they're too sad to to glance once more upon my anguish.

The Purple masked man shoves me down the hall towards a dark purple room with a single bright light. A room I have come to loathe so intensely. I can recall the times I fought against him. Now I accept that I am going to feel excruciating agony. I see Purple and it seeps into me, possessing me of fear and pain that dominates my body. I let it because I have to. I can't remember how to stop the fear, not when I see Purple.

Purple insures my compliance, my stillness. But at least with him I know how to feel again, at least I can finally remember.

I am broken.

The fire to live vanquishes as quickly as it came. I hope he finishes me off this time. I hope he just ends it all.

I am broken.

I cannot fight. I want to die.

I am broken.

Purple straps me to a table, my legs and arms are held down with chains. A thick, rubber like band wraps around my head and holds it down on the table so I can't see where he is or what he is doing.

He sighs. "What toy should we use today? Hmm...Oh! This is a fun one!"

I hear his boots thump against the floor slowly, prolonging the anxiety. He hovers the instrument above me that resembles an oddly shaped ladle. The top is round and closed with small holes poked all over.

No more, please. I want to yell at him, to tell him to stop, I want fight back. Yet I can't, I see Purple and my fate is set.

Scream.

Pain.

Fear.

"Ah yes, you remember this one don't you? It's an old torture tool used throughout the medieval ages called the Lead Sprinkler. It is such a beautiful relic is it not? I think I am rather enjoying this one of late. It makes me feel," he gestures with his free hand as he contemplates the right word, "connected, with my human roots. We were such violent creatures then." He shuffles away from me. I hear him fumbling around and my stomach twists and turns. "Well, nothing has changed. Not really."

A whimper escapes from my lips as I hear his footsteps approach once more. His steps keep time with my erratic beating heart.

"Oh no no, shhh, hush now. It will hurt, you should save the whimpering for then." he smirks as he notices my horror.

He hovers the device above my more fleshy sections and shakes it slightly. I can't really see with my head strapped down, I can only feel. God, I wish I couldn't. It rains onto my skin and boils my flesh. Numerous parts of my body screech out and ripple with torment. My legs, my arms; He sprinkles the sweltering hot liquid all over. I can't breathe the agony is too great. Pain rips through my skin and I squirm. The hot searing eats away and I ache for escape. I try to shake it of. Moving makes it worse but I can't stop wiggling. The liquid drips down my body horrendously slow, cooking my flesh.

The chains holding me down cut into my skin as I push against them. I've felt this before.

Scream.

Pain.

Fear.

It's too much. I suck in a breath when it runs down my legs; digging through layers and layers, searching for bones.

"Yes, I definitely like this one." Purple laughs and dumps the burning liquid on me. My screeches echo around the room and vibrates off the Purple walls. They ring in my head, pulsing against the insides of my brain. My body is thrashing against the blistering fluid; it does nothing but encourage my captor. It is too much. My entire body is shrieking for freedom.

It burns. It aches. It digs. It eats. My flesh is being scorched black.

Scream.

Pain.

Fear.

Soon the operating table in the Purple room with the Purple masked man fade into black. My brain goes blank as the tunnel of darkness slowly devours my sight.

Welcome to my Hell.

**The last line always makes me cringe! Yikes, what am I Doing to the poor guy! :C  
**

**PLEASE REVIEW. I appreciate constructive criticism as well. Let me know what you all think C:**


	2. Chapter 2: Blue

**Howdy folks! I decided not to wait to put up chapter two and just roll with it! Why not?**

**I am being little ambiguous because some don't know which turtle it is, but I am pretty sure you all can guess. If you still don't know after this chapter then you will the next!**

**WARNING: disturbing and cruel themes!**

Blue

Worthless

Alone

I am nothing

The persistent clicking of boots circle around me. They keep perfect time with the beat of my heart. The continuous noise becomes oddly soothing, a lullaby. I enjoy the consistency, it's been my only companion in this hell hole. The pain, the fear, the thoughts are always the same. It's better to know a familiar evil than an unpredictable one.

I watch his expensive black boots pass me. They blend in with the shadows. They are shined bitterly to perfection all except the right boot, which has a scruff mark on the toe. I often think about this scruff mark, where did it come from? Blue is the last person who would ever have scuff marks on his boots. He wouldn't tolerate it.

There are so many rules with Blue. Rules I must repeat so I never forget.

Rule one: I am not allowed to look in his eyes. I am a no one. I don't deserve to look him in the eyes. It would be disrespectful. I am garbage. I am an animal. I am an insect he can crush under those flashy boots.

I rub the scars on my wrists.

I recall the times they would chain me up. I used to be so full of fight, of fire. Not anymore. Now I won't move, I'll sit still I promise. The Guard is standing next to me but I ignore him. He isn't important.

I can't look at Blue but I that doesn't mean I take my full attention off him for one second.

Rule two: He will tell me what to do, how to feel. And I do nothing until he gives the word.

Blue tells me who I am. I am nothing. But still that is something.

I hear the snap of his fingers and I tense my shoulders. As expected the guard slams a foot into the back of my head and holds it on the ground.

Consistency.

The Guard then drills unforgiving kicks into me and I let him. At one point I feel the toe of his show smash into my face. I whimper.

Rule three: I will not fight back.

He will continue to hurt me until the second snap.

Blue himself will never touch me. He will never lay a hand on me. And no, it isn't out of compassion. It is cruelty. I am below him. I don't deserved to be even beaten by him. Why would he want to get his hands dirty on someone so insignificant like me? Sometimes I wished he would. It would mean that I wasn't worthless, that I wasn't just a waste of life. Sometimes I want him to beat the living daylights out of me, I want him to slam my skull into the concrete until I was unconscious, crush my bones until I scream for mercy. I want him to prove that I had worth.

But I don't.

"You deserve to be in pain." His spits at me.

I deserve pain. I am dirt and dirt gets trampled on.

He snaps his fingers for the second time and the kicking stop. I lie frozen on the ground, already feeling the bruises developing.

"Sit up _freak_."

I don't want to sit up; I just want to lie here on the cold pavement icing my broken skin.

"Did you not hear me? Sit. Up." Blue orders.

I want to talk back to him but I don't dare. Don't speak to him.

Blue has so many rules. Luckily his consistency is my savior. Blue is the only one that is always the same. Day in and day out the same routine. I always know what to expect. He reminds me of what I really am.

I am nothing.

I slowly get to my knees, feeling the aches ripple down my skin. I am weak. I am pathetic.

I keep my head down, not risking the slight chance of looking at him. He step closer and those familiar boots come into view. I see that scuff mark again and it fills me with doubt. It doesn't make sense, his boots are always perfect. He opens his hand and gleaming silver catches my eye. I glance up to find a sharp knife perching in his palm. He holds it out to me, dangling it in front of my face.

My knife. Mine.

I used to want to jam it into his throat and watch him die. I wanted to witness the life leaving his eyes but I was always too weak to do it. I am too weak to do it now.

I snatch my knife and he backs away a couple feet. My fingers tighten around the handle and I lower the blade near my wrist, the sharp side brushes against me skin. It feels cool and tingling. I used to hate this part, I used to fight it. But I love it, it feels...good. Even if I wanted to stop it I can't. I have no choice.

I know Blue is watching me despite his silence. He doesn't need to say anything, I already know what to do.

Consistency.

I raise my head and look at the tails of the Blue mask.

Worthless

Alone

I am nothing

"Cut." He demands.

I slowly dig the cool blade into my skin. The stings shooting up my arm doesn't hurt. It's too satisfying to hurt. I watch the blood begin to drip down my arm. It moves like a tear drop, running down my skin and splattering on the floor.

"You like this pain because it's what you deserve. You understand?" I hear Blue shift. I switch hands and put the edge to my other wrist. I rewind the words and listen to them over and over and over...

Worthless

Alone

I am nothing

Pushing a little harder I run the knife across the already scarred skin. I close my eyes and feel the blade ripping at my flesh. The tip of the knife is dripping red when I am done. I do like this pain. I am finally in control. No one is inflecting the sting but me. I may be dirt but somewhere deep in my soul I want control. Control of what I do and what I feel. And in this moment, I have control. This knife is mine. This pain is mine.

I hear Blue chuckle and I want to look him in the eye. I want to ask him what's so damn funny. I stay quiet. I instead focus on the blood streaming down my arm. I did this. I deserve this.

Pathetic. Weak.

"You are broken." He whispers to me.

Broken?

He hasn't said it before. For some reason it stings a little harder than the other words he's thrown at me. I know it to be true, but to hear it out loud.

I am broken.

A part of me accepts it but pieces of my soul is screaming at Blue, assuring him he is wrong. I don't want to believe it. But it is true.

I am broken.

I tighten the grip around my knife. I have the sudden desire to shove it into Blue's throat once again. His stern voice freezes my body.

"We have a special treatment today. A new one." He informs me dryly.

What? Something new?

"Purple insisted I try it." He heavily emphasizes insisted. My stomach twists at the mention of Purple. I hate him.

Fear. I hate fear.

The Guard tears the knife out of my hands and I hiss at him. How dare he? It's mine! I want to fight him for my knife but Blue is watching me. I must follow the rules.

All of a sudden the ground colored with my blood vanishes and the poorly lit room goes completely black.

A rough cloth brushes against my cheek and I realize they put something over me. I reach up and feel worn out cloth, it's some kind of hood. Then something else clamps down around my ears and deprives me of sound. I am left alone with my thoughts and my rapid heart beat.

A sense of panic surges through me. This isn't consistency. This isn't right. What is going on?

Then it clicks in my mind. I know what they are doing. I understand.

They will leave me like this for hours, waiting until I go crazy. Crazy? Ha! I am already crazy! I feel a rumble of laughter ripple through me but I can't hear it. I don't remember who I am, I don't remember my past, hell I can't even remember my own name. I don't know how to feel, my family is a blur, and I don't know what it even means to be alive. And they think they can drive me deeper into the depths of insanity?

I am already insane.

The ironic part is that the colors are the only things that keep me sane. I hate them. I despise them; I wish I could cut out their hearts and roast them over a fire. I wish I could break every bone in their body like they have done to me. I loathe them. I will always loathe them. But without them I am nothing.

I am nothing. A nobody.

I am alone.

I don't want to be alone. Not right now.

My stomach growls with nausea and I think I might hurl. Chills run up my body although I am burning up. I scratch at the base of the hood hoping to rip it off but something is holding it down. My heart slams so hard against my ribs that it hurts. The hood blocks off any clean air making it taste bitter and hot in my mouth. I can hardly breathe.

I am having a panic attack. My body is reacting but my brain is not. I don't know what to feel.

Afraid? Inferior?

I can't see. I don't have a color to tell me what to do.

I think I am supposed to be afraid but I can't see Purple. I don't know! I scream out in frustration but I don't hear the shouts. I ache to hear them, I need to hear them. It's not satisfying enough to just feel the howls rip through my throat.

What do I do? Someone please tell me.

Someone please, help me.

Am I dying? Right here? Right now? No one will miss me because I am nothing. I have nothing.

Nothing!

I will die as a nothing. I have to die.

I am worthless. I am nothing.

I am alone.

**So next chapter make take a bit longer because I literally have no idea how to write it. c: so good luck to me...**

**REVIEW PLEASE AND THANK YOU.**


	3. Chapter 3: Red

**Hello!  
You finally know FOR SURE who it is now! Hope the choice not disappointing for some of y'alls!**

**I think it starts out kind of shaky but gets better towards the end!**

**Warning: Darker and Cruel treatment!**

**Enjoy c:**

The metal collar bites angrily into my skin. It captures my neck and squeezes the air out my throat. I have no chains, just this relenting collar. The room around me looks somewhat friendly but that's just an illusion. This is my prison.

A beautiful wooden desk sits on one side of the room and across from it is a large metal cage that cuddles the corner. I glare at the cage and flashbacks rip through my mind. I was confined between those bars for hours, maybe even days. They were forcing me into obedience.

In between the desk and cage is a grand fire place. It acts as the only light source for the dark room. The flames dance together and leave shadows on the red walls. The dance always depends on the mood. At the moment it is a fluid swing dance, twirling and twisting together in loose spins and kicks.

I like the fire. We understand each other. We are trapped in opposite ways; I ache for death while he aches or life. But at the end of the day it is my heart that stays ablaze and his that smothers into ashes. We both battle over the war of tyranny. Sometimes he whispers secrets to me, sometimes we gossip about escape. But this room is our jail and any notion of freedom is impossible. We are trapped.

I often think about letting the fire loose from it's marble confinement and setting it free to burn away the chains that hold us down. But Red keeps a strict eye on us.

Red. He's different than the other two. The others are rigid and unmovable. Please don't misunderstand me, just because he is unlike the others does not mean he is any better. He is explosive; a ticking time bomb ready to blow. Red is dangerous.

Purple and Blue break my soul but Red, he breaks my will. He is the most deadly of the three.

I have to obey him.

He hides from the light. Standing in the dark behind his desk. The fire only illuminates the bottom half of his body so his face remains in the shadows. My stomach twists with anticipation, I don't like waiting.

Red slowly approaches me and the first thing I see is the vibrant scarlet mask.

Obey.

My knees give out as Red wipes away my thoughts. I bow my head before him; it's a natural response. I don't think about doing it I just do it.

I can't even control my own body.

That's called ownership. He owns me.

I look down and my eyes follow the flickers of firelight on the ground. I listen to the silent dances of flames while I kneel and wait. I wait for a command. I can feel his fierce gaze pierce my own and I often wonder if he can see right through me. It makes me want to jump out of my skin. Why does he look at me? Why does he make me wait?

I don't move, it feels like hours but I know it's only been a few minutes. I yearn to but I don't dare to even twitch. He is testing my patience, my will. How long does it take before I speak up? Before I attempt to defy him? I want to break away, I want to disobey. I can't.

"Hello Pet." He bitterly snaps. He never speaks in a soothing, melancholic voice like Blue. Blue's voice is musical, it has a flow to it. Red is sandpaper to my ears. I cower beneath the gruffness. How pathetic am I?

A silence slices the air and envelops the room. Only the hissing of fire fills the void.

"I said hello." He says calmly, but then his tone changes dramatically. "You say it back!" Red asserts violently and the click of his shoes stepping closer makes me twitch. The Red masks gleams in the firelight. I can almost hear the flames apologizing for it's light.

Obey.

"H-Hello." My voice is coarse and small next to his booming confidence. Red smiles and lifts his arm up, holding out a hand to me.

"That wasn't hard was it? Now come." He says sweetly like we are friends.

My feet push of the ground and I quickly stagger towards him. The collar rubs against my neck and I wish I could tear it off. It is a constant reminder that I am not in control. I awkwardly stumble in front of Red, keeping as much distance as my body will allow me.

I remain standing straight and sturdy, like a soldier. He strides closer to his desk and for the first time I notice a strange device resting against the brilliant wood. A weird metal rod pokes out from it. I sallow back a nasty sense of dread. What does he want? What do I have to do?

He cocks his finger and gestures me to come closer. I don't hesitate and he gives a sickening sneer. I look between him and the device. Waiting.

"Touch it." He commands.

I don't flinch as I reach out my hand and wrap my fingers around the metal rod. A sudden jerk of energy explodes from my fingers and a sharp sting runs through my arm. Instant pain shivers up my spine and I instinctively pull back. I gawk at my hand but no burns blacken my fingertips.

Wh-what is this?

"Touch it." He commands again, adding a pinch of impatience.

No. I don't want to. Control. I need to have control. This is my body, this is my pain. Not his. I can't do this for him. I don't want to.

I look up at him and the Red mask drills into my brain.

Obey.

I reach out my hand. It shakes from the two halves fighting inside me.

No don't do this. Don't.

I have to. I don't have a choice.

Fight. Come on for once in your life fight!

"Touch it! And do not stop until I tell you." His voice pounds against my brain, bullying it into submission.

My fingers hover over the metal rod. Sweat drips down my face as I struggle for control, for will. My hand trembles violently and the tremors reach my arm. I feel my entire being tear between two commands. My breath sucks in and I focus all my energy on rebelling against Red. I must win. This is my body.

My body.

But the Red mask drives daggers into my eyes. Toying with my mind.

Obey.

Obey.

Obey.

No.

My will snaps beneath the crushing weight of Red and with a painful grunt my hand grips the rod. The sharp stings diffuse past my arm and runs wild with freedom. My muscles clench immediately to try to avoid the pain. Tingling burns skate across my skin and picks at my flesh. A bright light zaps beneath my hand and my body convulses from the shocks. My muscles cramp and spasm trying to escape the electric currents but there is no escape. There never is. I grit a low groan between my teeth and the electricity dives inside my mouth. A scream falls out of my throat and I shut my eyes tight.

Obey.

Obey.

Obey.

Please, pull away. I need to. I need control.

I can't. This is not my will, it is his. It is not my body, it is his.

He owns me.

"Enough." Red finally spits out and I quickly yank my hand back. My body continues to convulse from the left over energy. The stinging rapidly replaces with a hammering throb. It's too hard to breath and I wrestle to catch oxygen. My hand is sweltering with pain and I slowly turn it over. I cringe from the sight. The need to throw up rumbles in my stomach. It is completely black with burns from the tips of my fingers to my palm. I hazily see my hand shaking and I slip down to my knees.

I have no control. I must obey.

I catch a glance from the fire. It stares with horrid grief and remorse.

No escape. No escape for either of us. I watch the dance turn from a lively Swing to a sorrowful waltz, tangling us together in the torments of oppression. The silent melody keeps time with words ticking in my head.

Obey.

Obey.

Obey.

My eyes zoom in on the Red mask, unable to look at anything else. I can feel my brain trying to argue with my eyes wanting to fall unconscious from the pain. Yet I remain awake. The left over electricity still surging through my veins. The burns flicker on my flesh but my thoughts are too preoccupied to notice.

No escape. No control. My will is his.

"Again. Touch it again."

Obey.

**Allllrrriighty then! Kind of heart clenching a little! Poor guy! ANYWHO Hope you found it intriguing!**

**REVIEW PLEASE AND THANK YOU c: You all rock!**


	4. Chapter 4: Body

**Hi! Thank you for all the reviews and follow/favorites! You people are awesome! This chapter is shorter but I didn't know how to expand it more without making it seemed forced if that makes sense! So yea, this chapter wasn't really planned out so it was hard for me but I worked through!**

**Warning: Disturbing and somewhat cringing content!**

I use my wounds to keep track of time.

It's not a precise method but I get a general idea of how long it's been since my sessions with the Colors. For example, my charred hand is almost healed so I know it's been a while since my last time with Red. No one has seen me since expect for The Guard. He comes to bring me water and occasionally food which I don't really want to eat. I never feel the aches of hunger anymore but my body still needs it. I pounce and devour the slop of muck in front of me out of animal instinct; the biological necessity to survive outweighs my desires. I despise it. I want to starve myself completely, I want to force my body to shut down but I can't.

I am an animal. There is nothing left of me but animal. I don't want to live, I want to die! But that survival instinct in me is still fighting and I hate it. Please note, living and surviving are completely different.

I am definitely not living anymore.

The colors have left me to my dreary cell. I find myself growing more and more concerned, they normally don't leave me be for this long. Or maybe my mind is so far gone I can no longer grasp the passing of time.

I don't notice being alone anymore; I don't care about the frozen air or the ominous darkness. What bothers me is the pain. I expect the physical suffering, that's a given, but it's my mind that makes me weep. It cries because I am a lost cause.

Blue is right, I am broken.

Broken.

The word pumps through my veins. I wonder, when my blood oozes out of me does it leave the shattered pieces of me behind? No wonder I have nothing left but an animal to unleash.

I am moving. I am being dragged. It's time to come out of my cell.

I don't remember the trip from here to the Purple room. Did I even see Purple? Did I even scream? All I know is I closed my eyes in my dark, icy chamber and I woke up in hell.

The blinding lights gleam off the walls to enhance the color of Purple. It fires fear across my brain and I tremble.

Something is different today.

Purple stands in front of me, gazing at me with animal like curiosity. His lips hide a hint of a sadistic, insane smile. He is crazy but there is no denying the air of intense intelligence emanating from him. The Purple mask stands out around his face and mocks me from afar. I bite back my screams but it takes all my willpower to keep from howling. I hear the heartless laughter coming from the Color, insulting my struggle for life.

What's the point of struggling anymore? What's the point for fighting for what is already lost? These are two questions I ask myself constantly.

Oh right, the difference today is that I'm not strapped down like usual. I can finally see the two tables, one in the middle of the room that has remnants of my dried blood and the other shoved against a wall with numerous of tools and devices. Instead of pinned to the middle table I stand still and watch him watching me.

So much pain.

So much fear.

I visibly quiver and my brain whispers instincts to run. Where do I run to? Why should I? There's no point anymore, I am broken.

He wiggles his finger to tell me to come forward as if he wants to tell me secret. I refuse to move. My feet glue to the cold ground, if I step towards him I will scream. He notices my resistance but instead of anger he smirks. This is intriguing to him, it's funny. He shrugs his shoulders and comes closer to me.

Fear.

My breathing picks up speed. I try to push down the spark of anxiety exploding from my heart but with every step Purple makes, fear convulses around my skin. I can't help it, I scream.

Scream.

I close my eyes and fall to the ground; I pull my knees to my chest. I can't stand the sound of my own wails so I cover my ears. I still can't rid off the tingling of my throat and the bursting of my lungs as I shriek. I howl with all my might, I feed the screams with more oxygen until I have none left.

Get away. Get away from me!

He grabs my arm and tugs me to my feet but they are too frozen with panic to oblige. I hang on his arm and he keeps me standing upright. I try to wrench away as I continue to screech. It is sharp needles to my ears and daggers to my throat. He half drags me across the room because I can't do it myself. I am too afraid to move.

Fear.

Scream.

I know what comes next,

Pain.

He shoves me up against the table full of torture tools, I try once again to fight down my yells but I can't. One strange device* on the table is closer to me than the others, it's small but I don't like the look of it. He grabs my hand and shoves my thumb in between the two bars.

He cranks the small knob on the side and the top bar moves down. I gasp in horror as I realize what is going to happen.

"N-No." I try to tug away but he holds on to my shell and keeps me in place. I battle him with all my strength and we struggle against each other. I rip a scream from my throat and turn my head. That is a mistake, the Purple slams into my brain.

Stop fighting this. No, No more pain! I have to fight!

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Stop fighting Purple.

My body stills and I halt. I can't move. I can't even tear my eyes away as the device cranks lower and lower. I cringe as the metal scraps against each other.

Please no! Come on fight! Where is that animal instinct now? Why can't I move? I feel the bar touch the skin of my thumb and I brace for the oncoming distress. He cranks once more.

What I feel though is not pain, it is excruciating agony. I scream but this time out of misery. My muscles clench against the instant sharp throbs waving up my arm.

He cranks it further and I hear the sound of bone snapping and shattering.

My howls are pulsing with anguish and I grab onto the table with my free hand. I grip it hard enough to turn my knuckles white. My knees want to give out underneath me but Purple still has a firm hold of me.

Why? Why is he doing this? What is the point? I am already broken. What does he have to gain?

He cranks it once more and all I can see is a blinding white, I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out as throbs constantly push up my thumb.

I need to throw up.

He finally uncranks the knob and the bar lifts up. I pull my hand and cradle it against my body, careful not to hit my thumb. I fall to my knees and let the throbs shiver my spin. I slowly raise my eyes to him; he just stands there with his hands casually folded together. He looks at me with amusement but I can see the pinch of pity as well.

"Why?" I ask.

He smiles.

***The Thumbscrew: So the device is called a Thumbscrew which was used throughout history. It is not life threating or anything nor is it gory as some other tortures but it was intended to inflict extreme pain without too much effort.  
When I researched it said "think about an instant when your thumb was caught in the door or a drawer; magnify the pain and ****you might**** then understand just how horrifically dreadful thumbscrews really were."**

**So not fun…but yeah c; hope you enjoyed it!**


	5. Chapter 5: Heart

**Hi c: So I know I recently updated this story but I had this chapter done so I was like...why not? I am on break anyways and my other story is just frustrating me at the moment but this one is going smoothly.  
**

**I hope you enjoy c;**

I stare at the bloodied knife in my good hand. I don't know how I am going to cut my other wrist. My thumb is in such a terrible state and I can't grasp the handle. I try to avert my eyes as much as possible or else I will throw up; it's black, blue and badly swollen. I tried to shove it back in place but it's still in a lot of pain. I don't understand. I can't hold my knife anymore, not with the bone completely cracked. Aren't I supposed to cut myself? It was unusual too; they normally fix my wounds so they can re-hurt me. They give me days to heal just so they can rip my skin apart for a second time. It's a constant song and dance stuck on repeat. Except for now. It hasn't been long since I last saw Purple; they normally give me more time in-between the Colors.

What does this mean? What are they planning?

I kneel in the Blue room with vicious names whispering in my ear like usual, but I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right.

I am still gazing at my knife as these thoughts walk through my mind. The blade sparkles with red and the drops of my newly sliced wrist drip down my arm. I don't feel the satisfaction of control, I am too preoccupied.

For the moment I forget where I am, caged with Blue. I forget that I am worthless, that I am nothing. I am too lost in thought, I am too confused.

What's going on?

It's been quiet for a while, I can't tell you how long I have been kneeling here and staring at the weapon in my hand. The Guard seems restless, he can't stop fidgeting and twitching. Blue hasn't said much either which is another red flag. He always tells me what to think, what to feel, but now he remains silent. It pushes the unease in my mind further.

"Want to know a secret?" Blue's voice floats across the room and my thoughts stumble to a halt. His tone is softer, almost calming. I keep my eyes coolly on my knife but I don't see it. My attention is too absorbed on Blue to watch the blood roll down the silver blade. What is he doing? This isn't right. I don't respond.

"You've been here for a while now," He starts to circle me again, a predator to his prey. His voice turns chilling and I listen closely.

"About six months I'd say." He continues.

Six months? I don't know if that's a long time or a short time, honestly it doesn't make a difference. Within in six months I have been humiliated, within six months I have been abused, beaten, terrified. Within six months they have taken over my body, my soul and my will. Within six months, I have forgotten my past.

I am broken, so broken.

"I have to admit, you have been the hardest specimen to break so far. Most minds don't last two months but I believe maybe the strength comes from your mutated DNA."

What? How many other…"specimens" are there? What is he talking about? What is going on!? I want to scream out from frustration but I keep still. He stops in front of me and I see the gleam of his boots come into view. How many others are there? Are they here? I have never seen anyone else except Purple, Blue, Red, and The Guard. I have seen the people who were forced to die by my own hand, the people I had to kill. I flinch at the memory and shove it away. I stare at the black shine of his boots and soak in his words. The damn scuff mark winks at me.

"Alas, all good things must come to an end; we come to your end."

End?

"You have no further use to us, you will be executed."

At first I feel nothing; no dread, no fear. Nor am I happy or relived. Instead a slight hum tingles my body starting from my fingers. It snakes up my arms and my heart slams against my chest. The pounding captures my ears and I gasp. Something is happening; I haven't felt this in a long, long time.

It's the desire to live.

I have wanted to die for so long but now that I know it's going to happen, something in me is trying to dig out of my tortured heart. My animal instinct again? No, it's not that, this is my soul trying to break free of the chains that squeeze around it. The hum transforms into a burst of spirit spreading across my skin. I want to laugh; I need to shout to get this immense feeling out of my system.

I wanted to die, it's what I wished for over and over. I would sit in my cell and beg them to end me, but now I am looking death in the face and find that I want to spit in it. I want to stand up and walk away, alive. I feel a surge of energy, a new fire burning within me. A fire I don't remember even having but it feels good. My spirit is crawling to stay alive despite my brain telling me to let go. I won't let go.

I am set ablaze and it gives me hope. It's time to stand up, it's time to fight.

I am not broken.

"NO."

I am never allowed to say no to Blue and it feels so good to break the rules. It sets the embers in my soul to a burning blaze. An intense stillness seeps through the air.

"What did you just say?" Blue's voice sparks with controlled rage. I slowly look up at him, forcing my eyes to meet his; I have to battle my own body to do so.

Don't listen to Blue. I must fight.

I look him straight in the eye, they are glimmering with anger but there is no hiding the amazement and wonder at my new found strength. The blue screams in my brain and I cringe.

I am unworthy.

I am useless.

I am nothing.

No! Don't listen, I can't listen. I scratch away the Blue pushing up against my mind and bore my eyes into his. I must fight.

"I said, No." My voice is hoarse and quiet but ringing with defiance. Blue narrows his eyes and snaps his fingers. The Guard flicks his wrist and a crack rings through the blue room. I turn my head just as a whip strikes my cheek. I make an audible yelp; it shocks more than hurts me. The whip is brought up again and soon a constant motion, slapping my body over and over. I feel blood pouring out of the lashes; they remind me of my self-induced cuts along my wrists and arms. I bite my tongue to keep from whimpering. He will not be satisfied this time; I will not let him feel pleasure from my pain. I stuff my groans down my throat and keep them locked inside. After minutes of slashing, The Guard stops and I can sense his agitation.

I slowly push myself to my knees in complete silence. They both watch, both on edge, and waiting for my reaction.

I laugh. At first it's a slow, rough chuckle that rumbles my shoulders. Soon it explodes into harsh and cruel bursts of merriment. It trembles my body and I continue to howl with glee. I must be crazy but I just don't care. I laugh from the new fire igniting within. I laugh at the pitiful Guard gawking at me, and I laugh at Blue secretly seething.

It bounces off the walls and paints the room a new color; I don't remember the last time I laughed.

"We shall let Red deal with your defiance." He growls out at me with venom in his tone. I stop sneering like the snap of his fingers and my head tilts down. I am not afraid of Red, I am ready to fight him. I look at Blue's boots, the black gleaming boots I have come to know so well.

I spit on them. I raise my head once again, not quite making It to his eyes like before but my unforgiving smile slowly works its way back on my face.

"I thought maybe it needed a shine." I hear a voice say, my voice. It doesn't sound like mine, it's not defeated or broken. Instead it's strong and pinched with sarcasm. I swear it couldn't have come out of my mouth, but it did.

The heavy tension in the room becomes audible.

"You are lucky freak that I am not your master. Red always has had a soft spot for you" I turn my head slightly with this information.

Blue nods his head once and the guard pushes me to my feet. He punches me hard in the face but I continue to smirk at him. I taste blood in my mouth but I don't care. I am not broken; you have to do more than this to break me.

Within six months, I am still unbroken. The new flames in my soul dare a dangerous dance with the colors. I am not done fighting yet.

Nothing more was said and The Guard takes me out of the blue room.

I laugh all the way down the hall.

**Don't worry friends, he won't remain in this pit of awfulness for much longer! But not without a little more suffering too. I hope you liked this one and it made you a little happy that he's gaining some spirit back, unlike the past chapters that were rather...heart breaking.**

**REVIEW PLEASE AND THANK YOU.**


	6. Chapter 6: Soul

**Hi again! Thank you all for being so awesome!**

**I know I haven't updated my other stories but one of them I am having serious writers block and also I am feeling lazy with the other...so this one is getting all the attention! oops.  
**

**Enjoy ;D**

The flames roar fiercely against the marble fireplace. They fight against the shackles of containment and threaten to leap out of it's submissive cage. I can't help but smile at the thought of a free blaze igniting the world on fire, kindling with new life.

I don't really care what Red does to me. If I do die, at least I will go down fighting for my freedom, for my soul. Not even the collar eating around my neck can depress this desperate battle raging inside me. I stand straight with my head held high in the air; I drill eyes into Red whose lounging in front of me.

I dare him to throw whatever he can at me. I dare him.

His face etches with annoyance but an unnatural calmness envelops his manner. This isn't like him and makes me uneasy. I was expecting his sharp anger biting my cheek; I figured he would lash out against the defiance stirring inside me. Instead he sits still and regards me with disappointed eyes. What wheels are turning in his head?

"Well, your little show of…spirit…has been an interesting developed. Our plans have been tampered with but that's not a problem. We have just simply _changed_ them." He finally explains after minutes of battling with just glares. My heart winces with unease.

Did I say I dared him?

"And what is your plan?" I ask, I can hear my voice growing with confidence. His face flashes with surprise but quickly washes over with irritation. He slowly stands and moves out from behind his desk and stops in front of me. He is significantly taller than me but that doesn't faze me. What disturbs me is the crimson mask digging through my thoughts.

Obey.

I grit my teeth at the word pounding against my brain.

His hand lashes out like a viper and squeezes around my broken thumb. I groan from the pain as he increases pressure to the bone. I try not to cry out as he forces me down to one knee. Sharp stings flare up my spine and my eyes shut tight against the throbbing. He releases my thumb and I instinctively fold it against me. I pant from the searing ache rolling up my arm.

"How dare you address me without my permission." Red grits through clenching teeth. His mask stabs into my brain and this time I can't over rule it.

Obey.

I struggle to keep my breathing even. I need to stay strong. I can do this…can't I? I may not be broken, but I am fragile. It's will against will and mine is already cracked, how unfair a fight. I remain kneeling but I slowly lift my head high again. I can do this, I have to.

I look into Red's tyrant face and a small smile meets his lips. Knowing satisfaction gleams against the planes of his cheekbones and panic hits my lungs. Something terrible is about to happen.

"I have a present for you." His unusually neutral voice sends shudders down my spin and my heart sinks into my stomach. God no. Anything but this.

The heavy door cracks open and I push myself to a standing position. The Guard strides in the room dragging a man behind him. I watch with horror. Please no! The man struggles against The Guard, pushing and wiggling but has no luck of escape. The Guard shoves him down in front of me and I see the bonds tied around his wrists and ankles. The Guard holds the man in place and my stomach spins in circles; I fear I am going to throw up. The man stops his twisting when he sees me, a wave of fear, curiosity, and awe cross his face. That's normal for people like him, I am a freak and they always stare.

Red holds out a sword and I glare at it. The beautiful shine of metal can't fool me; this weapon is a professional killer. A block of dread slams against me as I gawk at the weapon. If I do this, the fires inside will be put out for sure. This is too much; it destroys my soul in chunks. Impatient, Red slightly shakes the sword and I hesitantly take it with my good hand. I stare at the long blade before switching my glance to the man being forced to kneel in front of me.

Not again. Please not again. I can't handle this, not now. Not when I just got my fight back, I can't do this!

Murderer.

No, it wasn't my fault! It wasn't me. It was Red.

I glance back at Red and a chilling thought crosses my brain.

Stab Red. Kill Red.

Do it now while I have the chance! It's my only chance for escape, and for the innocent man, we can both be free. I take a step towards Red but he doesn't respond. He remains a frozen figure. I quickly raise my sword to strike him.

He deserves this, not the poor man. Strike him down, now. Do it!

The Red mask glares in my eyes and my arm freezes in the air.

Obey.

No, kill Red!

Red smiles and I know he can read the turmoil teeming through me. I gather up all the strength I can muster and attempt to swing once more but my arm denies any movement. The Red mask pulses and pushes, I am mesmerized

Obey.

I don't want to! Kill him, now! No, I can't. I can't do this, he is my master. Why? Why am I so weak? He puts me through hell, day after day and I can't kill him. But I can kill innocent men. Men whose lives have been viciously taken away from them by the swipe of my hand?

Murderer.

I glance back at the bound man, what's wrong with me? Why can't I do this? I growl with irritation and try for the last time to slice Red in half but the blade stops just before I strike him down. He doesn't even flinch; he knows I can't do it. I hate him. I hate him so much. I just can't do it.

The fire within me slowly dies to a low hum. I put the sword down, I can't kill Red. My heart picks up beat with alarm, I am slipping already. The cracks are ripping open and I only have my bare hands to patch them.

I turn and take a step towards the man and watch his eyes instantly erupt with panic.

Murderer.

I beg myself; I plead my body to stop but my steps slowly press on. Where is that spirit I had? Why is it gone so soon? Why am I so pathetic? My will is split straight down the middle, teetering on the line of control and submission. I am sorry, I am so sorry.

Obey. Kill the man.

I stand in front of the innocent human; I watch the oceans of fear clash against his features. He is young, his whole life ahead of him and I am to take it away. I am his executioner. Why does this hurt so much?

Murderer.

My heart stings and my blood screams at me to stop. My feet suddenly stick to the ground and I don't dare take another step. I will stop. I am not broken, I will not be defeated so easily. I must fight for control. I won't kill either of them, I will not have another death on my hands again. I refuse to kill him; I refuse to kill them. I look back at Red and the word leaps out of my throat.

"No."

His face sparks with rage and I shrink under his furious scrutiny. I tuck my broken thumb away from him as he steps closer. A sword appears in his own hands and my body clenches. What is he doing? He slowly marches forward but I hold my ground. He raises his sword and I close my eyes, preparing for my oncoming death.

I don't want to die, not anymore. I want to fight. But I chose not to kill either of them, this is my choice. I won't do it, so I must die. I disobey and I must die.

At least I will die with dignity.

I wait for the killing blow but it doesn't come. I hear metal slam against the floor and my eyes snap open, I blink at amusement in Red's face.

"Let's make this interesting." He sneers.

I glance down and the sword is in front of the innocent man. His bonds are instantly cut and The Guard shoves him forward. He stumbles to catch himself; he looks at the sword lying in front of him and quickly grabs it. He quickly stands and I can see him shaking. The Guard and Red both back away to give us room. Room for what?

I too glance down at my own sword and I know what they want.

They want us to fight. I don't want to fight him, I have never fought any of them before. I just kill them.

Murderer.

The Man shifts into a sloppy fighting position with the sword shakes in his hand; he holds it out awkwardly in front of him. I can tell he's never held a sword before, probably has never even been a fight, but a fierce determination surrounds him. This is a nightmare for him; he is getting a taste of my everyday life. My heart reaches out and I feel sorry for him. I don't want to do this but neither does he, I can see it in his eyes. This is to the death and we both know it. So it comes down to survival. I can't blame him for doing this.

Should I sacrifice myself for him? Should I give up so this man can live? Why not? I have nothing else to live for, at least nothing I can remember. He does, he still has his entire life ahead of him. It is with dignity to die sacrificing for another. Yes, I will let him kill me.

Unless, they keep him in my place. Then I will be condemning him to a life of misery that would be a worse fate than death. And I don't want to die. Not anymore. I am selfish and so is he, we both want to live. We are animals; it always comes down to survival, always. I have killed before and I can again.

Murderer.

"Oh one more thing pet, you must use your other hand." Red's voice booms at me. My right hand? I glance down at the aching thumb; I can't hold the blade in that hand.

I switch hands but I can't keep the sword between my fingers and I drop it. It clatters on the ground and I stare at it in horror, how will I be able to fight? This is unfair! He'll be able to kill me swiftly! I glance up at the man when I hear a small shout and he charges me with the sword raised above his head. I easily side step his sloppy swing. He starts to awkwardly slash the air, praying to get a hit. My body works out of instinct, dodging everything that he has to throw at me. He stabs forwards but I am already a step ahead of him. My feet push up and I find myself flying through the air. I flip over him and land behind. He turns to swipe off my head but his footing is unbalanced and I duck effortlessly. I throw a punch to his stomach and he cringes. My foot sweeps his legs out from underneath him. That's when the shock hits me, since when have I been able to fight? My movements are fluid; they know what they are doing before I do. Maybe this will be easier than I thought.

What was I before? How can I do this? I wish I could remember! I glance up at Red who also looks surprised, but is enjoying this. I growl at him with anger, how dare he savor this animistic fight for survival. How sick is he?

My thoughts are busy and the man takes this opportune moment of distraction. From the ground he shoves the sword and the tip impales my leg. I gasp as blinding agony shoots up my thigh. I look down and the sword is stuck through my thigh. My stomach twists and I know for sure I will throw up. I fall to the ground as blood begins to spill out of my wound. The man rips the sword out of my leg and another howl bursts through the room. He jumps to his feet as I lay on the cold floor, clawing to keep conscious. If I pass out, he will finish me. I hear a battle cry and he charges forward, his bloody sword is raised for a killing blow.

I am quicker.

The adrenaline overflowing from my body thrusts away the pain and I roll over as he strikes down, the sword vibrates against the concrete. I hear another shout near me as my good hand finds my sword I dropped, I grasp it tightly. I wait until the precise moment and pull around to face him. He is once again swinging the sword up the air about to stab with a final blow. I plunge mine forward and the slick sound of the metal slicing through his chest freezes everything around me. His mouth opens in shock and his eyes widen.

No.

My own eyes grow and my mouth opens as I watch him slowly fall to his knees. The sword sticking completely through him.

He slams down next to me and we lay together in a heap of blood. I don't even care about the pain shaking my body; I just gaze at the sweet life draining out of his eyes. They are a beautiful green, showing signs of youth and vivid life, a good life, one that I have taken from him in a single moment. The green eyes slowly dull as his breathing becomes ragged and sharp.

I did this.

The emotions run across his face and I see everything: sorrow, regret, fear, pain. His thoughts whisper through my brain and I strain to listen to them. He's trying to cope with the fact that he is dying. A natural response of course but I also know his mind erodes the fear with love, family, and friends. His thoughts of death are beaten out by the happiness of his life, his past. He remembers the joys and harshness of his existence but the more joy he feels, the more he aches to live. He wasn't done living.

I did this.

His past keeps him company in these last few moments and I am envious of him. Even in the fear of death he has life to comfort him, while I have nothing. He dies physically and I die spiritually. What fate is worse?

I am a murderer and he an innocent man. At least his death is quicker than mine; at least he has the coziness of home resting in his mind. He takes a loud, harsh breath and his soul vanishes from his eyes; it takes my own spirit along with it. His body stills in his own bloody grave and he never breathes again.

I feel wetness cover my cheeks and I touch a hand to them. Tears. I can't remember the last time I cried, I didn't think I could anymore. I don't cry for myself, I cry for him; I cry for the life I have taken away. This is my fault.

I did this.

I am sorry. I am so sorry.

The pain comes thundering back into me but I am too weak to even wail from the white misery. It's nothing compared to my sunken spirit anyway. The blood pours from my leg and I am vaguely aware of my surroundings. I will die if I don't stop the bleeding soon.

I am lucky the man wasn't a skilled warrior, I would have been defeated. I wish I was. I wish I wasn't so good at surviving.

It's amazing how quickly the desire to live can be squashed with a single breaking second.

I slowly turn my head to what was the thriving fire but now only a pitiful light. I ache for my friend; I ache for the roaring flame. It's too late. What dreamers were we to believe we could get out of this alive, that we could be free from the shattered souls that weigh us down.

What dreamers were we.

I feel the curtains of darkness fold over my eyes and the embers of the flame completely die out.

**OK ok, I know, I just gave him back his fight and now I am somewhat crushing it again, I'M SORRY! But don't worry. Next chapter, the REAL story begins, oh yes that's right folks. This is just the beginning.**

**REVIEW AND STUFF thanks :)**


	7. Chapter 7: I break

**So something happened to this chapter and I am not sure what but it got deleted so I had to rewrite it! :l Sorry all! **

**Enjoy! :) **

I am dying.

Of that I am sure. They haven't come to check in on me, they haven't come to patch up my wounds. The blood is still dripping out from my leg and I can feel the loss heavily. I am weak. They are going to let me die.

I am dying.

I find myself jealous of that innocent man. In his death he had memories, a life to a keep him company. I have nothing but bitter silence. I have nothing. This is how I will die, alone. For that reason I am jealous.

I killed him. I am a murderer. I deserve to be eradicated from this world.

I am not afraid to die anymore. I know I once spat in the face of death but now I shall welcome him as an old friend.

I am dying.

I close my eyes and wait for the darkness to fully take me away from this terrible place. I am ready to leave. I am ready to be free of this pain, of this life.

Warm hands abruptly press up against my shell. I didn't hear anyone enter the cell. I don't understand. I thought this was my time, I thought it was all over. Please, I can't take anymore. Please just leave me alone. The hands shake me gently and still I choose to ignore it.

"M-Mikey?" a strong voice whispers. It's roughened by a slight accent. He rolls me over and drags me into his arms. Mikey? What does that mean? It sounds familiar but I can't remember how I know it. I don't know who this is. It can't be the colors or the guard. Neither of them touch me with such caution. Curiosity gets the best of me and I fight my eyes open. It's too dark, all I can see is a vague outline and fiery gold eyes peering down at me. They are full of sadness and fear. They're eyes that reflect my own.

He tucks his hands under my knees and carefully lifts me up. He is strong and his hands are rough from physical use but remarkably he is gentle. He is careful not to press too hard against my wounds. Where is this stranger taking me?

Everything in me is begging to stay awake now but it is out of my control. My body is done. The blood loss is too much, this life is too much. My eyes close once again and I drift into unconsciousness.

* * *

(Raph)

The back of the battle shell is a concoction of blood and tears. Blood from my baby brother, and tears from the rest of us. I can't believe this is Mikey. It looks nothing like him, he is so small and beaten. The dirt and blood cover up his body fairly well but his weight is unbelievably light. It hurts to look at him but I can't stop either. I haven't seen him in about six months. In fact I never thought I would ever see him again.

All I can think about are his eyes back in that rotten cell. He opened them just for a second and that was all I needed to know that Mikey wasn't there anymore. He was gone.

Those baby blue eyes are haunting me, they might cloud my dreams for the rest of my life. This is Mikey, it's his body but it isn't him.

Donnie hovers in front of me as I hold Mikey in my arms. He tried to take him but I growled and refused. Donnie didn't fight me on it, he understood. I don't want to let go of him, I am afraid I'll lose him if I do. Like he will just fade away into oblivion. So, Donnie kneels in front and is trying to stop the bleeding. His hands are covered in Mikey's blood and at first glance it doesn't seem to bother him much.

I can't image what this is like for him. I love Mikey and It has been hard without him, but Donnie and Mikey had a special connection, they were best friends. Don lost both a brother and a best friend, I don't know how he keeps himself so composed. I am barely holding it together myself.

Except, his hands give him away. They are usually so steady in everything he does. He prides himself an engineer. Those hands are meant for fixing, steady hands. But now they are shaking. He is barely holding together as well.

I reach out and lay a hand on his shoulder. Donnie freezes and glances up at me. His face is etched in misery. I give him small pathetic smile and he nods his head in thanks. He knows I am trying and that's enough for right now.

Then he gets back to work.

All of us are one string away from breaking. I can feel the tension biting my cheeks. Leo drives the battle shell with his eyes stuck on the road. His hands grip the wheel so tightly that his knuckles blanche. We all have the same thing on our minds.

Revenge.

For once my brothers share in my rage.

How could anyone do this to someone? They simply can't be human. Those bastards stole my baby brother from me and destroyed him.

Whoever they are, we will find them and we will get our revenge. I vow that I will find out who did this. No matter what.

The battle shell comes to a stop in a familiar alley. I watch Leo slowly gain composure before facing us.

"Donnie? Is he stable enough for us to move him." Leo asks. His voice is strained from the fight of emotion. Donnie sighs and glances over his shoulder.

"I think so. I stopped the bleeding for now. I'm not sure what else I can do for him. I mean I'm an engineer for god sake not a doctor."

I've never seen Donnie so frazzled. It's disorienting.

"All we need right now is to take him home." Leo tries to calm him.

"He's stable, for now." Don nods. Leo makes eye contact with me. Ironically, none of us are stable, emotionally.

Leo hops out and comes around to open the back of the battle shell. Donnie steps out first and I carefully maneuver Mikey into the open air. The moon shines brightly above us and it feels relatively peaceful out tonight. It feels normal. Yet none of this is normal.

We climb down and move through the sewers in complete silence. My brothers are ahead of me by a couple paces. I am afraid I'll hurt him if I move too quickly. It seems that almost every inch of him is covered in bruises or scars.

I just need to get him home.

As we enter the Lair a sense of relief overwhelms me. He's home. Master Splinter stands in the middle of the Lair, he was waiting for us. The relief I felt is instantly gone at the look on his face. Horror and tears swarm his eyes. He rushes forward and places a soft hand on Mikey's head.

"Oh my son. I am so sorry." he whispers. The tears roll down his cheeks as he gazes on the youngest.

To lose a son is Splinters worst fear coming to life. I want to tell him it's our fault, we didn't protect him, we didn't watch each other like we were supposed to. Splinter always emphasized the importance of fighting as a team and protecting your team. We failed him. We failed both of them.

I am sorry, Sensai. This is our fault. We brought your son home drenched in blood.

Donnie gestures for me to come with him and I follow to his lab. I lay him down gently on the cot we use for medical emergencies. We only had to use it several times. This is probably the worst reason.

We all stare at Mikey and a bitter silence overcomes us. Leo stands furthest away with his hands clenched at his side. Knuckles still white. He is holding his head too high and his eyes are too wide. The emotion mixing within them cannot be explained in words. I watch him tear apart from the inside it.

Splinter clears his throat, choking down the need to release heavy emotion and he manages a soft smile.

"My sons, I know you are grieving but your brother is home. The healing can now start. That is something to be hopeful about."

Leo's face pales and a strange sound emerges from his throat. He pushes off the wall and flees the room.

Leo breaks.

Splinter watches him burst out from the room with sad eyes. This was too much for Leo, it's too much for all of us.

"If you could give me some space..." Donnie mutters quietly as he turns to get some medical tools ready.

"If you think I am leaving him then you're an ass-"

"Raphael it is better if we are not in the way. Donatello will call if he should need our assistance." Splinter reasons.

He's right, and I don't like it.

Splinter turns to Donnie.

"I know he is safe in your capable hands."

"Master Splinter you know I am mechanic. I am not a doc-." he reminds us.

I elbow him.

"I mean, I will do my best." He mutters bashfully.

"I know you will." Splinter smiles again. Then he follows Leo's path.

I turn once more to look at Mikey before leaving. Splinter is wrong about one thing. This isn't Mikey, he isn't home.

He isn't home.

I step out of the room and the door closes behind me. I lean against the cold stone and stare out into the Lair. Leo stands in the middle just staring meaningless at the ground. He looks so lost.

A sudden cry from inside the lab makes me jump. Donnie...

Donnie breaks.

I slowly slide down the door and grip my Sai tightly, hoping to bring me comfort. I watch Leo staring into the darkness and I listen to Donnie's cries.

And then, I break.

**Tis all folks! **

**Review please and thanks! **


	8. Chapter 8:I work

**Hi party people! It's been a little while.**

**Oh and I literally have no medical experience so sorry!**

**THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVELY COMMENTS AND REVIEWS! THEY ARE SO INSPIRING AND HELPFUL. **

**ANND If you aren't yet, I suggest you read "When The Bough Breaks" by EmilyGrace18, freaking amazing and totally soul crushing story! C;**

**Okay story time.**

"_Guys, I found him." Raph's voice bursts through the headset. The instant relief overflowing my heart doesn't last, not with the defeated tone from my younger brother. I knew that when we found Mikey he wasn't going to be in good shape, a part of me was afraid we'd find him dead. Whatever the case I knew that this wasn't going to be easy. Yet the way Raph's voice cracks, I don't want to listen. I already know what he's going to say._

"_He…he doesn't look too good." His words are hollow and empty, he is in shock. My heart plunges deep into my stomach and I forget to breathe. What's wrong with him? What did they do to him? Is he still breathing? I look around the cold dreary hallway, hoping it would tell me its secrets. What happened here? It's dark, and the corridors creep in close around me. It reeks of blood and terror; a place where nightmares come to life. If I stay absolutely still I swear I can hear the screams painting the walls. I don't know what happened here but it was something very bad._

_Dangit Leo focus. I have to remain calm. _

_I shake away my thoughts._

_We need to get him out of here; we need to get him home as soon as possible. I need to be the leader; I need to stay strong. I rest my finger against the headset and speak._

"_Get him to the Battle Shell quickly. Donnie, be ready with any medical equipment you have." I sound controlled, confident, but that doesn't honestly explain my feelings. Not even words could capture the true emotions flowing through me. I spin on my heel and flee the empty corridors, leaving the weary ghosts crying behind me. _

"Leo..." A voice interupts my thoughts and I look over my shoulder –

_I look over my shoulder, glancing back at my three brothers scattered on the floor. Mikey lays unconscious in Raph's arms and Donnie blocks my sight from his beaten body. His face, however, is turned towards me. Even now his features are tortured and heavy with terror. He looks older, he looks different. _

_I think I might throw up._

_I expected something horrible but nothing could have prepared me for this. _

_He seems so beaten, so weak; my first time seeing him in months and it's like a ghost. The blood, the scars, I can barely stand to look at him. It hurts too much. How can this be him? More importantly, how could I have let this happen?_

_I slam on the accelerator and charge down the dark streets of New York. _

_I glance behind me once more and my eyes meet Raphs'. They are blazing with emotions, all contradicting each other. His horror and anger fighting each other, yet both are shoved beneath his shock. I can't see Donnie's face but his silence is enough. He is the closest to breaking down. I can just feel it. The only thing keeping him together is his focus. He has a job to do and that will be enough to keep him steady, for now. Both their feelings are tense and it's hard for me to concentrate on the road. I snap my eyes back to the street and push the pedal to the floor._

_I have to get him home as fast as possible. If he bleeds out, his death will be on me._

_This is my fault._

"LEO!"

My mind snaps out of the memory and I blink at the voice calling me. Raph's hand rests on my shoulder, roughly shaking me. It takes a second for my eyes to readjust from the flashbacks.

"What?" My tongue is thick and heavy in my mouth.

"You've been checked out for a while, I was starting to worry."

I slowly notice the room around me; I am standing in the middle of the Lair. How long have I been here? How long have I been replaying memories over and over again?

"Oh. I was just...thinking." I mutter and shift my eyes towards the lab. My heart aches with guilt. This is my fault. I let this happen.

A dark silence surrounds us; I sluggishly drag my gaze to Raph who continues to stare ruthlessly at me. He seems much more stable than before but I still see the glimmer of emotions swimming in his eyes. He may look okay but he's still a bubble ready to burst. His face softens but his scrutiny does not. I match his stare trying to read his thoughts.

"Leo" He finally says slowly.

"Yeah?"

"Don't blame yourself for this."

I stiffen. I don't say anything, what is there to say? I can't help but blame myself. I am the leader and he is my responsibility. They all are. This is my fault. I let down Master Splinter, who entrusted me to keep my brothers safe. I made a promise that I would always bring them home.

I silently contemplate Raph. His stance is rigid and firm. The easy confidence he's had since birth no longer perks his shoulders back. His jaw clenches tight, biting down too hard on the emotions trying to itch past his throat. A ghost path of tears have dried on his face, when did he cry?

I nod my head curtly once before I tear my surveillance away from his face.

"But you know, Splinter is wrong. He isn't home, not really." Raph mutters bitterly, his voice teetering between irritation and sorrow. At first I don't know what he means, and then I recall Sensei's words to us.

"Don't say that." I respond softly.

"Why not? It's true."

"Well don't say it." I snap at him. He isn't surprised or insulted; he just huffs and turns away. I take a deep breath and try to cool my head. I try for a different approach to the conversation.

"It will be okay Raph." I assure him. Raph twitches harshly and his eyes widen with irritation; his bubble bursts.

"Okay? Okay!? Oh please that's bullshit!"

"Raph." I grit through my teeth and cross my arms, warning him to stop but he ignores it.

"You didn't find him! You didn't see his eyes!" He growls and points at me, his slight accent thickening with growing anger. But then his head drops down like he is afraid to meet my gaze, like a dog when it does something wrong. That's when I understand, he's blaming himself too. His voice softens to a whisper. "Mikey…Mikey wasn't there anymore. It wasn't our brother."

"Well what did you expect Raph?"

Raph glances back up at me, his voice trembles slightly.

"I don't know." Then he squints his eyes and his tone starts to ooze with bitter frustration. " All I know is that things aren't okay. Admit it Leo."

"I won't admit anything." I refuse to.

"Well I know you're thinking it. Come on, face the facts. The quicker you do that the easier it'll be to move on" He declares. Move on? What is there to move on from? He's not dead! And since when has Raph become all wise? Icy impatience turns my heart and for the second time today I let my emotions slide out.

"Fine. I'll admit I'm thinking it. I'll admit that I am aching with anger. I'll admit that for once in my life I am clueless, completely out of ideas! How the heck am I supposed to be the leader? How am I supposed to comfort you all when I can't even comfort myself? How will I be able to help Mikey when I can hardly look at him without the word _failure_ branding my heart? I admit I am failure, I admit it because it's true. I admit that I am about ten seconds from losing it all together! I want to yell, I want to cry, I want to throw something against a wall! But you know what? The only thing keeping me from going insane right now is that if Mikey were here, he'd tell us not to give up hope. So I am not going to give up. I won't give up on him Raph. So don't make me admit that it isn't okay, that he isn't okay and that he might not ever be okay again. I can't admit that okay? So just…don't." My words fly off my tongue without thought. I am angry and flustered but none of it is aimed towards Raph, he knows that.

So he doesn't get mad, he doesn't get upset that I snapped at him. Instead his shoulders ease and I see the flash of hurt wash over his face. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply.

"He never believed in giving up. Well, unless it was training." He murmurs quietly and a smile almost graces his face but it doesn't quite make it. He's trying to remember who Mikey was before. He's looking for the ghost of our joyous younger brother. He wants to see that ball of energy storming through the Lair one more time.

Raph is so hurt. I have never seen him so defeated in my life. I've seen him angry, upset, and ashamed but never defeated. My stomach starts twisting. I hate the way my warrior brother is falling to pieces with guilt. He has no reason to feel guilty, not like me.

"Raph,"

"Hm?" His eyes remain shut.

"Don't blame yourself for this either." I repeat back to him. He slowly opens his eyes and blinks at me. A hint of a smile perks his face before he slaps and grabs my shoulder affectionately. I feel my own mouth trying to pull into a tiny grin.

"I guess we all are feeling to blame." He concludes and I nod in agreement. At that same time our thoughts shift to Donnie. We both peek over at the closed off lab.

"How long has it been?" I ask.

"Almost three hours," Raph says, "How do you think he's holding up?"

At first I think he means Mikey but he's actually talking about Donnie. I shake my head and sigh.

"Probably about as good as us." A disturbing stillness invades the lair.

Don's the one having to be with Mikey, having to fix him. How does he do it? How does he detach himself so well in these situations? Never before have I had so much admiration and respect for his strength. He knows what needs to be done and does it without hesitance.

"We should be in there with him." Raph eventually declares.

I don't say anything.

"Not for Mikey, I mean there isn't much _we_ can really do for him right now, but I mean for Donnie. He shouldn't be alone." Raph states. I know he's right but I don't want to go in there, I don't want to see Mikey again. I don't want to be reminded how I have failed him. I'm not ready.

"Maybe he wants to be alone." My words sound ghostlike. Raph scoffs.

"Do you?"

Well, I thought I did. I thought it'd be better for me to get away and clear my thoughts. Except it has only made me feel worse. So, no, I don't really want to be alone. Right now talking with Raph is the best I've felt all day. He understands what I'm feeling because he's feeling it too. We need each other to get through this. He's right, we should be there for him.

"No, I don't." I admit.

"Me either." Raph says with new determination. He starts marching towards the lab and I watch him.

I don't want to follow but I have to; I need to be there for them. Yes, I failed Mikey but I can't change that. The best thing I can do now is make sure I won't fail a second time. I won't let that happen again. He and my brothers need me now more than ever. I failed as a leader, as a brother, but no more. I will be the one this team leans on, I have to be. This is my responsibility. There is no room for being selfish, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it bothers me, I will do this.

I will not fail again.

* * *

(Donnie)

The bleeding finally stopped, thank god. He lost so much blood that I thought it was too late. Loosing blood becomes dire when about 40% of it is lost, that's roughly 2.24 liters. I feared the worst. However he is stabilizing and I can finally let out the breath I've been holding and collapse in my chair. My hands are stained red and sweat drips down my face.

I am exhausted.

But, I need to get up again. I need to keep going. It's hard to think that the person next to me is Mikey. He looks so small underneath the dirt and blood. He is malnourished and I make a mental note of it. It won't be an easy road to get him back onto a good routine diet. Especially since his body won't take kindly to a large amount of foods, he will have to start slowly. I may have to feed him through an IV until he can stomach small quantities. I dread the thought.

I push myself up out of the chair and walk over to a bowl of water. I wash the blood off my hands and re-run through the quick observations I made in the battle shell.

Bones have been broken, healed, and re-broken.  
Scars running up his wrists and the inside of his arms. They have been re-cut several times.  
One thumb was recently broken and reset, still healing.  
Discolored skin from burns all over his body, especially bad on his left hand.  
Small wounds around his neck.  
Head healing from a nasty gash. May be suffering or did suffer from a severe concussion.  
Ribs have been broken (with a plastron that's not an easy feat.)  
Plastron has rough cracks.  
Numerous of gouges and bruises on his legs and arms.  
Small puncture wounds in his shoulder.  
A horrible injury in his leg, the newest of his wounds. Very recent and were most of the blood came from.

Speaking of which, with bloodless hands I move to clean his leg, it doesn't look good. Something seems to have gone straight through the muscle. Luckily It missed the femoral artery, which would most likely have killed him, and the bone. However he won't be walking on it anytime soon and I will have to put him through extensive therapy. From the looks of it, I expect that he can make a recovery but he may have a slight limp for the rest of his life. I sigh with the thought and continue to clean it the best I can. It's probably better that he is unconscious, this would be extremely painful and I have no anesthesia.

I am happy tohave something to do, something to keep my mind off the reality of the situation. I have an aptitude of detaching myself in bad situations; emotions affect progress and performance, and usually not in a helpful way. But this is pushing it, I may be good but I'm not that good. I am still angry at myself for completely losing it beforehand. I just couldn't control it.

I took one look and nothing could have stopped the emotional outburst. However I reoriented myself quickly. I kind of had to when I noticed his leg starting to bleed again and preceded to become an on and off routine. I eventually had to give him a blood transfusion and used up a lot of the excess blood we keep for emergencies.

I don't mind being the doctor of the family since I am rather skilled with medical treatment. However it's still far from easy. The unfortunate truth is doctors usually don't have to treat their loved ones and for me that's the only people I do treat, my family. In times like this I wish the responsibility was on someone else's shoulders. His life is literally in my hands. But I am the one they look to in extreme medical cases and there's no use wishing otherwise.

I finish up cleaning and bandaging some minor wounds tightly and drag the IV drip closer to him. I'm not really sure what else I can do, I gave him enough blood to remain stable, I cleaned and bandaged all the wounds I could, I put a splint on his thumb and gave him some painkillers. Thank heavens I didn't need to do anything too surgical…or at least for right now I don't. But I need to do something. If I stop working and moving around I know I won't be able to keep these emotions at bay.

Dirt and dried blood cover his face so I grab a wet rag and begin to gently wash off the grim. I cautiously clean, uncovering bits of my brother again. I see a dark bruise near his eye and a couple of miniscule cuts but for the most part his face is normal. It looks like him. Tears prick my eyes and a small, painful smile cracks my lips.

"Hey buddy." I say softly. His shallow breathing is all I get in response. The roughness in the breaths worry me but at least he's breathing. At least he's alive. I am thankful in a way, his injuries could have been a lot worse, a whole lot worse.

"You know, it doesn't feel right without you talking my ear off." I tease with a sad desperation. "I've really missed your voice you know." I let out a shaky breath and carefully grab his hand.

"But you're going to be okay Mikey, I promise."

He better be okay. His injuries really aren't as bad as they look. Yet it makes me fear for his mental health. I know he won't be the same, but to what extent? Can we help him through this mentally? Spiritually? I don't know and I don't like not knowing.

Probably my three least favorite words: I don't know.

I hear the door creak open but I don't turn around, I don't need to. They are quiet as they walk in, a natural instinct from years of moving silently. I feel a huge burden lift from my shoulders. I thought I wanted to be alone but I don't. I am happy they decided to come. Especially now that I don't have anything to do but monitor him. Maybe they felt my turmoil, maybe they just knew I needed them. I'm not one to believe in superstitious nonsense but I swear siblings just have that special connection.

"How's he doing?" Leo asks. He sounds forcefully put together. He is trying too hard to remain steady. I can hear the determination in his tone. I sigh and turn to look at them.

"He's stable, it all looks worse than it is." I assure them. They seem to relax slightly but their faces are still shadowed with emotion. They trust my judgment, if I say he is going to be fine they'll believe it. But the truth is, I just don't know.

I don't know.

Those words again. I never liked them but maybe I should give them some credit; they are what most likely led me down a path of science. Curiosity will one day be my downfall.

"How are _you_ doing?" Leo inquires. Raph remains silent but his thoughts are loud. I want to tell them I am a mess but I still need to be the detached party, I have to separate my feelings. They aren't stupid, I don't have to say anything to let them know I'm not doing well. I can see the worry in their eyes.

"I'll be fine." I decide to say, a diplomatic answer. Vague and hard to argue with.

Raph shuffles closer but Leo refuses to move closer. I turn away from Mikey nonchalantly, allowing room for Raph sit next to him. I fuss around with the IV, making it look like I had a job to do anyways. Raph rolls my chair up to Mikey and plops down. His eyes scan over all the white bandages that cover his body and his jaw visibly clenches.

I give Leo an odd look. He shifts uncomfortably when he notices my gaze. He's afraid. No not afraid exactly, he's angry. Probably with himself, just as I am. In fact I can see the guilt and remorse in his stance. As if he can read my mind he hesitantly moves to stand behind Raph.

"What do we do now?" Raph asks, hoping either Leo or I have the answers.

"Well, we wait until he wakes up. I had to give him blood because he was losing too much but he should be fine. It won't be long until he regains consciousness and I don't want to leave him alone until he does." I explain.

"We will wait with you." Leo doesn't ask, he commands. I don't fight him on it because I don't want them to go. I lean against my desk and watch them searching Mikey's broken form.

"Guys" I say and they both look at me, "it'll be okay."

Raph's eyes darken and he opens his mouth to say something but Leo throws him a warning glance. Raph notices Leo shaking his head slightly and closes his mouth and turns away.

Obviously I missed something.

I try to think nothing of it and quickly change the subject. I decide to tell them of my findings and Mikey's condition. I wasn't initially going to but they would want to know. I tell them everything, every broken bone and every mark on his body. Their faces turn to stone as I speak. I shift closer to Mikey and look over him as I talk. My eyes rest on the tiny puncture wounds in his shoulder and I glare at them for a second. Then something snaps together in my brain. I stop talking mid-sentence and gasp.

Needles.

I am such an idiot! Why didn't I think of it before? I blame emotions, as I said they affect performance. With something new to do I react quickly. I grab a test tube and take a sample from the blood that he already lost.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Raph asks with rising concern. I stumble to my microscope and get the sample ready. I explain while I work.

"You see those puncture wounds in his shoulder? I didn't think much of them until now but those are from needles."

Adrenaline boosts my brain and I no longer feel tired. A certain kind of anxious excitement motivates me to work swiftly. I am happy to have something new to do.

"What are you saying Donnie?" Leo's words slowly leave his mouth. He's not stupid, he knows what it implies but I answer him anyway.

"Most likely, drugs. There still may be some in his system."

"If there is, what does it mean? What is it doing to him?" Raph asks. His face hardens to cover up the raw feelings.

Until I figure out what kind of drug they used I won't know. Even then it might not be something I am familiar with; they could have mixed or created something. It's hard to say what will happen to him or what it did to him but I highly doubt it was anything pleasant. I turn my head away from my microscope and look at Raph with heavy eyes. He wants me to have the answers, but I don't. I try to shove my thoughts to the corner of my brain. I have to figure this out. I have to know what they gave him, I have to know what happened.

I have to know.

"I don't know." I finally admit to him.

So I work all night.

Even after Leo and Raph eventually pass out from exhaustion, I work.

Even after they wake up in the morning, I work.

They ask if I want to eat. I say no.

So they leave me alone, to work.

* * *

(Mikey)

My heartbeat pulses against the ground, it is slow but strong. I can feel my heart squeeze and release against my chest in a powerful rhythm. Blood swishes through my veins, crawling along my insides. For once it is locked inside my body instead of oozing out of it. The air tickles my nose as it passes to fill my lungs gently. I exhale in a steady movement.

I am alive.

I shift into a comfortable position against the floor. The ground is soft and squishy. Since when is cement squishy? I turn slightly and a blanket rubs against my skin. A blanket? I immediately freeze.

Where am I? Even with closed eyes I know I am no longer in my cell, the atmosphere is completely different. I can't smell blood or the looming presence of death. I can't hear the whispers of insanity shimmering off the walls, telling me to give into the madness. Instead a sense of peace surrounds me.

I open my eyes hesitantly and a high ceiling hangs high above me. It's bright. I don't remember ever being in a room with this much light. I turn my head and I see lab equipment. My stomach drops, I am too familiar with those kinds of tools. But this isn't Purple's lab, this isn't right. Where am I?

I gaze around the room again looking for clues to tell me where I am. Out of the corner of my eye I see movement. I snap my attention to a figure slumping over a desk. Fear restricts my body and all I can do is stare.

The first thing I notice is the unusual back, it has a shell. From the shell, lean green muscles wrap around its legs and arms. No...it can't be. It..it looks exactly like me. A stronger and healthier me, but me nonetheless.

This is a trick. I am the only one of my kind; I am a freak, a monster. Who is this? What does it want? This is the Colors playing with me. What are they doing? Where are they?

The second thing I notice is that he is asleep. His breathing is slow and steady. I can hear the soft wisps of air fill and leave his lungs in a mechanical rhythm.

This has to be a trick.

I twist my wrists and look down, no straps. No chains. I can run. I can get out of here. I try to sit up but my body screams in protest. My eyes fall over my form and surprisingly most of my limbs have been wrapped in bandages. I am more white than green. I raise my hand and check out my thumb. It has some sort of splint keeping it in place with bandages draping tightly around it down to my wrist. Both my forearms have been wrapped up covering the scars and my leg is heavily covered in bandages. Did they fix me up? Why?

I lift my gaze back to the sleeping figure. He shifts his head groggily and tails of a mask fall over his shoulder.

No.

Purple.

Instant fear pumps through me. So this _is_ a trick! I notice a small needle sticking in the inside of my elbow leading to a bag with liquid. I pull it out roughly and swing my legs over the cot. Adrenaline thrusts my body into motion and I quietly get to my feet. My leg fires blinding pain and I start to fall. I catch myself on a table near me and use it as a crutch. I clench my teeth to keep from crying out. I must be silent, I am good at being silent. I've always have been.

I am so weak, it is amazing that I can even move. One thing I have learned about fear is that it either wakes you up or shuts you down, it makes you do things you never knew you could or it makes you release how much of coward you are. Right now, I am defying pain for the sake of freedom. I limp to the door with great difficultly, every step is excruciating agony. Ignore it, this is my chance. I may never get this opportunity to escape again. I keep both eyes on Purple, afraid he is going to wake up any second. I pick up speed, disregarding my bodies' protest. I reach the door and examine it. It is heavy and metal, it will probably make noise if I try to open it so I'll have to be fast. I clench my body and prepare to launch out of the room. I glance at Purple once more and from this angle I can see his face. He doesn't look like Purple but the colors never lie.

It is Purple, It doesn't matter the face. The color is all that matters. I clutch the door handle and take a deep breath. I have to do this.

I can do this.

I swing it open and it makes a loud click sound. I step out, adrenaline and fear taking away my pain. I hear the door slam shut and I quickly glance around the room. I stop as the feeling of familiarity crashes down on me. I know this place, I can't remember how but I know it. I don't understand. They made me forget who I was. They made me forget my old life and everything in it. Yet I can't shake the feeling that I have been here before.

A loud shout behind me pushes my thoughts out of place. I have to move, now! I don't know where I am going, I just run. I use my instincts. The metal door opens just as I slip into the shadows of a hallway. My leg is burning, begging me to stop. I keep pushing on.

I lay low in the darkness and strain my ears to listen to the shouting.

"MIKEY!" I hear a voice call out. I peek around the corner and see Purple frantically looking around the room, one hand is pushing against his forehead with distress.

Purple.

Scream.

Fear.

Pain.

No!

I bite down on my tongue. Not now. Don't listen! This is my only chance and I won't ruin it, not this time.

Running feet divert my attention and I watch as two more figures stumble towards Purple from the opposite side of the room.

More of them like me? Trick. This is a trick. I notice their masks and my skin grows cold. Red and Blue. I blink in confusion. I have never seen all three of them in the same room. In fact I haven't seen _any_ of them in the same room. They talk about each other of course, but have never been together before.

I glance at each mask. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel. All three of them at once, what does that mean? What do I do? What do I think?

Fear? Worthlessness? Obedience?

"Donnie, what happened?" Blue asks sternly. Donnie?

"I must have dozed off, the door slammed and Mikey was just…gone."

"Well he couldn't have gone far." Blue says, "Split up and look for him"

"What if he went through the sewers?" Red asks quickly.

"I don't think so, he is still here." Blue says confidently and looks around. Blue seems like his calm, confident self.

They may be acting strange but the colors never lie. I watch as they fan out to look for me. I have to find a way out of here. I slowly backup and see four doors. Which one should I pick? Which is the way out? Footsteps thump closer, they are coming towards me. It doesn't matter which door I have to move. I pick the closest and open it quietly, I slip inside.

I look around the room with curiosity. A strong connection vibrates with this room. Have I been here before? When? Why? It is clean; a peaceful aura swims through the air swirling with a weird comforting feeling. I want to explore but I don't have time to dwindle on my confused emotions. My eyes immediately zoom in on the long swords resting in sheaths on a small table, the handles wrapped in blue. I hear a presence move outside the door and my breathing stops. I glance around in a panic, I need to hide! I dive underneath the bed, squeezing myself tightly below it. I am out of sight as soon as the door opens.

Feet gradually make its way into the middle of the floor. I hold my breath, trying not to make any sound. He stands still for what seems like an eternity. Then he turns away and starts to leave.

I did it. I'm safe. I relax and my shoulders sag with relief.

I shift my leg and a shooting fire sneaks up my spin. A surprised whimper manages to get past my teeth.

No. No! Stupid stupid stupid! Worthless! Useless!

The feet stop and my anxiety raises so high he can probably smell it.

A minute goes by and he doesn't move.

Huh. Maybe I'm lucky? Maybe he will think it is nothing. Maybe he will—

A hand grabs my foot and drags me out.

"No!" I shout and claw the ground. I kick my good foot out and it connects with flesh. I hear a low curse and he lets go of me. I awkwardly scramble forwards and dive for the swords. I am inches away when a body jumps on top of me. My body squeals with anger and pain but I don't care. All my wounds are fussing and reopening, my thumb aches, and my leg is bleeding.

I don't care.

"Stop fighting! It's me! Mikey it's me!" A deep voice grits through clenching teeth as he struggles to stop my squirming. I ignore his words and stretch out for the blades. They are so close. Just a little further.

Just a little further and I will be free from this hell.

I will be free.

**Tis all for now..**

**REVIEW PLEASE AND THANKS. I Appreciate anything and everything.**


	9. Chapter 9: I mend

**Oh. My. Gosh. I have been so freaking busy I haven't even had time to read! What a sad day. Luckily most of this was done so I just had to edit and whatever and it was like…12 at night and I couldn't sleep so I just edited. C: late night fun eh?**

**Oh AND Mikey's point of view at the end is repetitive and somewhat contradicting but it's supposed to be so keep that in mind, it's part of his broken thoughts and mind.**

**Well enough of this author's note and these, (in the words of Hamlet) "words words words" **

**Story time. **

The panic storming through my veins gives me an extra boost of adrenaline. I stretch with all my might to reach the sword but his body pins me harshly into the ground. I struggle to inch any further. I can't reach, I can't do this!

Dread wraps around my heart. I can't fail again, it will be the death of me for sure. They will kill me.

My fingers barely brush against the handle.

No, I will be free.

I swipe my fingers across the hilt and manage to knock the swords down. They fall to the floor and is now in a reachable distance. With triumph igniting my blood I reach forwards to grab one but something holds me back. Muscles tense against my arm and I see green fingers wrapped tightly around my wrist and pulling my hand away. I grunt from frustration and roughly slam my elbow backwards as hard as I can. I make contact with bony skin.

"Son of a bitch!" a deeper voice raises pitch from the surprise and his hold loosens. Free from his grasp, I snatch up the sword and I slip out from underneath my disoriented pursuer. I roll to my feet. I don't attack him because I don't have time. Without hesitating I run from the room. As soon as I move he launches forwards to tackle me again but misses.

"Mikey stop!" He yells. Who is Mikey? He is still trying to push himself up off the floor when I slam the butt of the hilt into his head. He groans and slumps back down on the ground. He doesn't move. Excited, I burst out of the hallway and find myself in the large main room again. I search frantically for a door, I need to get out of here.

I don't hear the figure move but I see him from the corner of my eyes. I twirl around just to see him land in front of me. He is crouching extremely low in a defensive stance but keeping his distance. A mask wraps around his eyes and the long tails slide down his arm. Blue. He eyes my cautiously, watching my every move. I raise the sword with my good hand, extending it out towards him.

Blue.

I don't look in his eyes. I still can't manage to do so. Instead I watch his hands.

"Mikey, give me my katana." He speaks slowly and calmly. I keep the sword out in front of me, the tip pointing at Blue's heart. I glance down at the blade, the beautiful steel gleams in the shadowy light. Every sword I have ever touched had certain kind of energy, most of these energies would tell me tales of death and loathing. Those weapons were hateful of life. This sword feels different. It doesn't seem like a killer. It kills only when it has too. There is no blood of murdered innocents seeping through the metal, there is no bitter taste of hate. This sword is strong, powerful. It speaks of justice and honor. This sword can't be Blue's. My eyes shift back towards him, it can't be because he is a killer. He is ruthless and this sword is honorable, this can't be his. I refuse to believe it.

Blue takes a small step forward. I take a large step back.

I try to avert my eyes from his mask, I can't give in. But the closer he moves towards me the harder it is to refuse his commands. I can't help it, I am drawn to the color like a moth to the flame. In the end it will always burn me.

Blue.

Worthless

Alone

I am Nothing

No, don't listen. Not now, not when I'm this close to freedom. I should kill him. Yes, that will end the whispers. The sword starts shaking in my grip. I'm losing my will. The harsh truth is I can't kill him even if I want to. I couldn't kill Red, what makes me think I can kill Blue? Why? Why do I let them live when they let me die? Why can't I be strong?

I gaze longingly at the mask for I am no longer able to control my eyes.

Look away.

I can't.

Look away.

I can't!

A burning desire snakes around my brain, squeezing until I have no thoughts other than Blue. It's like sirens whispering in my ear and I have to listen to them, I have to.

Look away, please. I beg myself.

The feelings come rushing in. The dam is breaking and I am overflowing with these thoughts.

Worthless

Alone

Nothing

I am nothing

I can't help it, I have to do this, I have to.

I blink once, coldly. No longer in control of my body and I hold the sharp side of sword to my arm.

* * *

(Leo)

"What...what are you doing?" I take another hesitant step forward. An uneasy feeling burrows deep in my stomach as he sets the long blade over his arm, his expression is completely emotionless. His stands stick-straight and moves robotically. His face shows no hint of awareness. It's like he is operating on auto-pilot, his body is working without his consciousness. He slowly raises his gaze and stares straight at me, his eyes looks completely empty. The fear and confusion that was there a second ago no longer show in those baby blues. Only a horrible stillness remains.

Oh god, please don't do what you're about to do.

"Mikey don't-" I take another step forwards, this time with haste. But to my extreme horror, he slashes my Katana across his arm. He doesn't even flinch as the sharp blade strips away his flesh. It's as if this is a natural everyday thing. I lunge quickly now and grab the Katana.

He growls and hisses while tightening his grip around the handle. We both have a piece of the Katana and are pulling in opposite directions.

"Let go!" I urge with rising panic.

"No! It''s mine!" He shouts angrily. I feel the Katana give my way but he still holds onto the weapon for dear life. I am so much stronger than him now but despite his weakness he refuses to let go. He fights my strength with something stronger, desperation. I see Raph running up behind him and he joins the chaos. He reaches around and begins to peel Mikey's fingers off the handle. With both of us, we swiftly separate the Katana from Mikey. His fingers start slipping and I shove my weight into him so that he lets go entirely. He falls backwards from the force and Raph catches him. He holds him tightly and restrains him. Mikey tries to pull free and wiggles out of frantic fear.

I see the small drops of blood dripping down his arm from where he cut and I cringe. Why? Why did he do that? What is happening?

"Stop squirming!" Raph grunts, trying to keep Mikey contained. "Come on bro, it's us!" Raph's cheekbone is bruising purple from where I am guessing Mikey got a lucky shot.

Mikey swings his head around to face Raph but instantly freezes. I notice his unwavering gaze. His eyes are wide and he's locked onto Raph's face the same way he was with me only a few minutes ago.

Mike cries with a fearful shout and tries to drop to the floor. Raph loosens his grip from shock and lets him go. Mikey kneels in front of Raph and hangs his head to look at the ground.

Raph and I share a look of bewilderment.

What is going on now? What did they do to him to make him act this way?

Donnie rushes up beside me and I glance at him. He too is confused at the sight. It is silent as we all observe our younger brother kneeling in front of a discombobulated Raph. Raph's eyes keep switching from Mikey to us, not knowing what to do. So I step forward and get down on one knee to match Mikey's eye level but he doesn't look at me, he just stares at the ground, breathing heavily.

"Mikey."

No response.

"Mikey can you hear me?"

No response.

"Mikey, can you please go back to the lab with Donnie?" I ask him softly. I'd rather he went willingly than us having to force him. I hold my breath, hoping I get a response. I get nothing. So I look up at Raph. For some reason he must only be responding to Raph. I nod my head once and gesture to him to say something.

"Er...can you follow Donnie?" Raph commands. Mikey finally reacts. He tilts his head up and blinks a few times. I can tell he wants to say something but it takes him a second to speak. His mouth opens but no words come out, they just seem to float on his tongue. I think he's debating on if he should speak or not. I can feel him shaking slightly and I then realize, he's afraid to.

"Whose Donnie?" He eventually asks.

A disturbing silence covers the room. My heart breaks even more, he doesn't know who we are. I suspected that this was the case because he has yet to realize who we are. Still to hear him say it, it made it real. He doesn't remember, he doesn't remember any of us. Donnie stiffens and I glance at him. The first time we've heard his voice in over six months and he asks who we are.

Surprisingly, I see a curious glint in his eyes. At least some kind of emotion remains, unlike those cold human-less eyes that stared at me. Raph is the one who breaks the silence.

"Uh...him." He points to Don. Mikey follows his finger and immediate fear explodes his expression.

"No..not Purple. Please!" He shouts defiantly. Then he recoils as if he was preparing to be attacked and bows his head again. Nothing happens for a long time, none of us are really sure what we should do. Mikey eventually stands up, and tries to limp towards Donnie. I see his face twist in pain as he steps forward and his leg gives out. He falls but doesn't hit the ground. Donnie catches him and holds him steady in his arms. The bandages around his leg are bloodied again from all the hysteria.

Mikey looks up for a second, only to stare at Donnie until a blood curdling scream melts the air around. It startles all three of us and I almost fall over from the sudden eruption of shrieks. It rips from Mikey's lungs, his mouth open wide and his eyes shut tightly. His body curls into a ball and his wails continue to piece my ears.

These are screams of true fear.

I have never heard anyone scream like this. Raph and I are both stunned, staring at our petrified younger brother. What do we do? What can we do?

Donnie however doesn't hesitate, he scoops the fear frozen Mikey up in his arms and hurries to the lab. We rush behind him. Mikey is still screeching when Donnie rests him on the cot and his cries start bouncing off the walls. He isn't moving, he's just curled into the fetal position, screaming. Don is quick to shove a needle into Mikey, a sedative.

His wails slowly start to die down. I don't know if it's because of the lack of oxygen or the tranquilizer, probably both. His muscles ease and his eyes glue to the ceiling. He is calming down, slowly but surely. He remains conscious but he's stuck in some daze.

Harsh breathing fills the room but it's not all from Mikey. I glance over at Donnie whose his breathing is heavy from shock. He takes in a couple of deep breaths trying to control it but struggles to do so. I rub a hand over my face, hoping that it will wake me up from a bad dream. It doesn't.

"Can someone tell me, what the hell just happened?" Raph croaked. Donnie and I just look at him.

We have no idea.

* * *

(Raph)

I have seen a lot of weird shit in my life time. As a strange creation of fate myself, I have come to expect the unexpected in this universe. And yeah, I didn't really know what I thought was going to happen when Mikey came home but this definitely was not it. You could say I was hoping for some cheesy reunion. I'm not much for sappy kind of things but I wouldn't mind some old time Mikey sap right about now. That would certainly be favorable to this horror. I honestly can't put into words how quickly it got crazy.

I just don't understand. I mean running away is one thing, if he didn't recognize this place that would be my first thought to, get out as quickly as possible. Fighting is the same situation, you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. But then, let me get this right, he slashed his own wrists, bowed in front of me like I was Sensai and screamed until our ears bled when just glancing at Donnie. I don't know what those bastards did to my brother but this is worse, no, stranger then we thought. Don says that his physical injuries aren't too extreme meaning that his mental health could be the real issue. That makes sense, he's been tortured.

However I was thinking more along the lines of PTSD or something. Not whatever the hell just happened.

The worst of it all is he doesn't know Donnie, he doesn't know _any_ of us. I thought maybe that he was just scared, you know? He didn't recognize who we were and that's why he went all ballistic. Maybe he was seeing things or something. Man, I wish that were the case. I'd rather him seeing things than not know Don, his own brother, his best friend. I mean he really wasn't seeing things! He saw me just fine, he just didn't _know_ me.

I listen to Donnie's harsh breathing and figure that Mikey borrowed some of his air.

"Can someone tell me, what the hell just happened?" I hear myself ask. Donnie and Leo look at me with sorrowful frowns. They know as much as I do, absolutely nothing.

Donnie walks towards Mikey and wipes the blood off his freshly cut arm. Even Donnie is at a loss for words. Leo and I just watch him re-patch Mike which is his leg mostly. I grimace when I see the gash in his muscle. Nasty wounds don't bother me much. They only make me cringe when my brothers wear them. Mikey's eyes watch Donnie move like he doesn't dare look away.

His blue eyes are glazing and foggy from the sedative but they still shine with distress. He'd still be screaming if he could.

The silence buzzes in my ears.

Someone say something. I can't handle this stillness. Actually, I don't want to. I don't want to think right now. I don't want to give my thoughts the opportunity to grieve. My brothers don't say anything, they just keep quiet. Donnie stops working and he freezes with his shell to us. His shoulders are tense and concern picks at my stomach.

"Donnie?" I hear myself call out. Don turns towards Leo, his face scrunches up from thought.

"Did you notice that?" He kinda whispers from disbelief.

Notice that Mikey went absolutely crazy? Yes, yes we did. God I hate when he acts like we are all thinking the same thing as him.

"Notice what?" I inquire impatiently.

"He called me Purple." Donnie mutters.

"Huh?"

"He called me Purple." Don reiterates and then reaches up and touches his mask. "He knew me by color not by name."

I look over at Leo.

"Okay, and what does that tell you?" Leo probes knowing that Donnie's got a good hypothesis working in his brain.

"Well, he seemed to react to each of us differently. When confronted with all three of us he did something. We unknowingly solicited an action from him. This may be a stretch but what if our masks were triggering his actions? What if the color made him act so strangely and that's why he called me Purple."

"Donnie that's crazy. Our masks?" I shake my head. That doesn't make any sense.

"Well I don't see you contributing any ideas." Donnie snaps at me and my eyes widen in surprise. I let it pass, we are all stressed.

"Would taking off our masks work? Do you think he'd remember us then?" Leo suggests. Donnie shrugs.

"I don't know but it's worth a try." Don undoes his mask and tosses it on his desk. Leo hesitantly follows suit. They both look at me, waiting until I do the same. I sigh and reach up to untie my red mask. I take it off and look at it in my hands.

Is this what he was afraid of? I don't understand. Why would this cause something so violent? It's just a piece of fabric.

"Well now what?" I ask.

"Now we wait" Leo says.

Great, I hate waiting.

* * *

(Mikey)

I have been awake but my thoughts haven't been lucid. Everything has been fuzzy. When I finally feel myself coming back together and I hear talking. I turn my head.

The colors? No. They don't have masks. They are the creatures that look like me. They were wearing the colors before but they aren't now, I don't understand. Feeling fidgety I try to push myself up into a sitting position. I struggle to do so and gentle hands rest on my shell, helping me up. I am back in the room I first woke up in. Great, my attempt at escape was a failure. I failed, again.

The three green shelled creatures stare at me. One is standing right next to me and the other two are giving me space. They all watch with curious eyes and tight tension floats around the room. I look at the one nearest to me who has a soft smile planted on his face.

"Where are the colors? I don't understand. Are you them?" My words are choppy and my throat stings as I speak.

The one with a stern frown answers.

"We are not them."

"I don't understand." I look between them. I am so confused. What is going on? Where are the colors? Where's my cell?

"We are your brothers." The one nearest to me says. I look at him dead in the face and notice he has soft brown eyes. His smile pulls tightly and those eyes hide the burdens of sadness. Why is he sad? What makes him suffer? I have never seen any of the colors have that kind of emotion. They had no empathy.

"I have no family." I reply numbly. I have no more feeling towards my family, they are just fragments of my broken mind anyways. They are nothing more than false hopes and dead dreams.

An awkward silence grips the room and I cautiously gaze over each of them. Strange expressions, mostly unease, stitch their faces together. Then they all look at each other, engaging in unspoken communication.

"We are your family." The brown eyed one confirms.

"No, my family left me." I explain.

"No we didn't." The one with blazing gold eyes steps forward."We never stopped looking for you, not one damn day went by that we—." His voice breaks with anger and the one with the stern frown lays a hand on his arm, they throw each other fierce glances. It goes quiet again.

I observe all of them, taking in their faces, their eyes, their stances. They seem so unlike the colors. Yet they were wearing the masks. So what does this mean? Does this mean what they say is true? Are they my family? I dig deep in my brain, trying to remember but I get nothing. It's on the tip of my tongue but I just can't recall. I feel like the memories are there but I can't reach them. They are pushed too far down. How do I know? How do I know if it's really them? Their faces don't seem familiar to me, I don't recognize anything.

"This is a trick." I mumble, assuring myself more than them. Yes, of course it's a trick. This is the colors doing. Another scheme to dangle hope in front of me.

"No, we are telling the truth." The one with the stern frown assures me. His voice and stance show practiced control and a forced calm.

"You don't remember anything, do you?" The brown eyed one asks with a defeated tone.

I don't respond. I just look at him. They look so sad. Am I making them sad? I don't know why I would, I don't want them to be upset because of me. They all shift uncomfortably searching for a new subject.

"How are you feeling?" I hear one ask but I'm not sure which one. Feeling? I never know what to feel, not without the colors. I am never sure what to call my emotions until I am with the colors, they will know. They will tell me.

"I don't know. Only the colors know." I explain.

This seems to perk Brown Eyes' interest. His head lifts higher and his face creases into thought.

"They tell you what to feel? How do they do that?"

I don't respond.

"What did they do to you?" Golden Eyes' asks harshly. I notice his voice is slightly different than the other two, he has a hint of an accent. I immediately snap my scrutiny towards him. His fists clench into tiny balls at his side and his stance is wide like he is ready to attack. The gold in his eyes burn with so many kinds of emotions I'm not sure what they are. These aren't the cold, commanding eyes of Red. These are ablaze, glowing like the fire in the Red Room, dancing for my broken soul.

Fire, he is fire. He is not like Red. None of them are. They seem so different, yet so similar. Their personalities are still right, just ignited with a different kind of spirit: Controlling yet comforting, Intelligent yet understanding, Angry yet loving. Maybe they really are who they say, maybe they are my family.

"If you are who you say, does that mean...I'm free?" I ask. I am aching for this to be real, praying that this isn't a trick or some cruel simulation. I want my freedom more than anything in this world.

"Eh…yes, you're…free."

I sweep around the room, looking at the piled equipment and tools. Papers and books scatter across desks. I sit next to seemingly broken or half made machines. This isn't like Purple's room. I don't see blood I see books. A warmth fills this room that makes me want to be in here. I find it comfortable for some odd reason. I like it here.

I hope what they say is the truth.

"I don't believe you," I tell them, "but I want to."

A pause slips inside the room and I look down at the ground. I really do want to believe them. I want my freedom, I want my life back. But is this real? How do I know? Are these really my brothers? Have I found my family? I don't know and I can't assume. I can't make a mistake that will cost me my life. They seem different. I haven't been around them long but I do know there is something odd about them. They are all kinder then the colors. Their manners aren't intimidating or forceful.

I don't know. What do I think? What do I believe? I just don't know. I feel a hand touch my shoulder and I flinch away. He quickly draws back his fingers but a soothing smile sharpens his brown eyes.

"That's good enough for now." He says. He places his hand over his plastron, "My name is Donatello, you usually call me Donnie."

He turns his head to the other two behind him, waiting for them to introduce themselves.

"Leonardo, call me Leo." The stern frown says.

"Raphael, uhh Raph." Golden eyes' says.

Huh, strange names. Cool names.

I look at all of them, trying to soak them into my brain, hoping that this time it will stick. If they are my family I don't want to forget again.

"Would you like to know your name?" The one—Donnie—asks.

My name? I have many names, none as pretty as theirs. Blue calls me all sorts or names, names that hold my true value and worth. I am unworthy of such names like theirs. I should say no. I should tell them I already have a name, I am worthless, useless, freak, pet. But I don't. I want to know what these people call me, I want to know who I was.

I slowly shift my eyes to Donnie, still conflicting with the idea of my name having true meaning.

"Michelangelo."

I blink at it like I have been handed something of priceless value and I don't know what to do. I am afraid I am going to break it. It sends a chill down my spine. This isn't right. That name has power behind it, I don't deserve such a name. I don't deserve it. It is grand and it's not for me. A worthless freak like me shouldn't be called that. It isn't right.

"That's long." Is all I can say in response. The one…err –Leo— smiles, the first time I see a smile from him. A strange knot unties in my stomach, that soothing grin makes me want to believe this even more. It fills me with an odd sense of belonging.

"Mikey then, is that okay?" He asks, his voice lighter than before.

This isn't right. I shouldn't want this, I don't deserve it.

But I do want it. I want this to be real more than anything. I want my brothers, my family, I want to remember who I was and who I am. I want to be free from the colors and free to choose my own emotions. I want my name.

I need it.

Am I Freak? Or am I Michelangelo?

No, neither of them fit right. Freak isn't my true name. It doesn't agree with my spirit. I am not Freak. But Michelangelo doesn't sound like a name given to a worthless being like me. I am not Michelangelo either.

I am not now but I hope to be.

I will be Michelangelo again. But for now, Mikey will do.

"Mikey." I whisper.

**Yay! Hope you all enjoyed! Many fun chapters to come c; AND LOTS OF FLUFF NO DOUBT. **

**Review if you would be so kind! Feedback is always appreciated! **


	10. Chapter 10: Pavloaf and his Dogs

**You get a little Psychology Lesson! I did my best to explain but I'm sorry if it's kinda confusing. If you still have any questions about it just ask!**

** Of course this story stretches it a little bit but you know…I do what I want c:**

**Also I am not a medical doctor, please keep this in mind. I have no idea other than what the lovely internet tells me.**

**THANK YOU ALL WHO HAVE FAVE/FOLLOW/REVIEWED OR EVEN JUST READ!**

**Enjoy!**

_A week since freed from captivity_

(Donnie)

He's asleep. He has been in and out of consciousness for a couple of days. It seems his body is trying to make up for the lack of rest in the past six months, that and healing is an exhausting process. He is in a lot of pain. Even in this state I can see the obvious twitches of discomfort.

It reminds me of the Mikey I knew six months ago. See, what was funny about Mikey was that he used to exaggerate the smallest injuries. For instance he would stub his toe and it was the end of the world. Yet when he had an actual serious problem he would shrug it off like it wasn't an issue. But I always knew, I could always tell how much he was hurting; even though the graceful grins I saw the pain pinched eyes.

I look over his resting face, right now he is hurting in ways I have never seen before.

The past few days have been horrible. I'll ask him questions but he won't answer. He hasn't tried to escape again but he does try to stand despite my pleadings and protests. He ends up stumbling and falling and then refuses to let me help him. He won't let us touch him. It's a battle for me when I try to change his bandages. I had to give him a sponge bath because he wouldn't let us pick him up and bring him to the bathtub. He was covered in dirt and blood, so I had to do it whilst he slept. I tried not to wake or hurt him but his skin is fragile and bruised, it was hard not to. When he sleeps, he is normally too tired to care. I have been feeding him through an IV but he keeps trying to yank it out. I think I should start using real food soon but I don't know how I will get him to trust me enough to eat it.

When he is awake he doesn't say anything, he hardly even groans. Instead he just stares. He looks at everything like he is converting objects around him into memory. When he looks at me it's with paranoia, he watches my every move with a tense face that just dares me to try something. He doesn't trust me one bit. Leo and Raph come in often but Mikey won't let them get close either. Not even Splinter has been able to make Mikey relax. However he has taken a certain liking to Leo.

But wow it's been a rough couple of days.

After I look over his wounds I have nothing more to do, so I research. I'm still isolating the drug but I have a feeling it plays a part with why he can't remember anything. Which makes me think, what could have given him memory loss? I am worried it's permanent. But I found something more interesting than that.

Raph stalks in the lab; he has had a concussion for the past couple of days from when Mikey slammed the handle of Leo's Katana on his head. I turn my attention to him as he groans his way across the room. He finds the chair we dragged in since everyone keeps popping in and out.

"How's your head?" I ask. I needed to check up on him anyways but he's being such a bear. I didn't want him to sleep with his concussion but that's all he wanted to do. So I eventually caved in and insisted to stay with him to watch over, just in case. He did not like this idea and he fought me tooth and nail. He said I should stay with Mikey but I assured him Leo was quite capable of doing that. Long story short, Raph is too stubborn when he has a concussion.

Raph closes his eyes and puts a hand to his head.

"Mikey may not be able to remember anything but he still sure knows how to give me a headache."

I smile. It's a sad smile that doesn't reach my eyes.

"That bad huh?"

He sighs in response. He doesn't move his head; it hurts too much apparently. He still manages to watch me through half closing eyes.

"What are you doing?" He asks and points to the pile of books and my computers with a billion tabs open. I look at it all.

"Research."

He stares at me for a good minute before slouching lower in his chair and shutting his eyes.

"You need a break."

"What?" I baffle.

"You need a break." He repeats. "You've been pushing yourself all week; watching over and tending his wounds, keeping him company, even when he's sleeping you spend your time researching. I mean I want to get to the bottom of this too, really I do, but you're gonna burn out if you keep this up."

His concern is touching but I think I'll be fine. This isn't my first time I've lost sleep over my brothers.

"I enjoy researching, it gives me something to do. It's rather stress relieving actually." I inform him. He gives me another enigmatic look.

"Uh huh." He mumbles incredulously. I open my mouth to retort back but I see Mikey twitch out of the corner of my eye. He groans softly and I move towards him.

He's waking.

Raph notices too and sits up straighter. Mikey's eyes slowly open, shining with exhaustion. I keep my distance but I step in front of his line of sight. He instantly snaps his attention to me. I grin wide but it still doesn't reach my eyes. Fake smiles were never my forte. In all honesty I wish I could scowl like Raph or frown like Leo, but I can't. Mikey is unstable and needs something reassuring.

"Hey bud, how you feeling?" I ask him. He doesn't answer; he glances at Raph who looks almost as frightened as Mikey does. I elbow Raph in the side and his face twists into his own fake grin.

The silence kills me a little every time; I don't know why I still bother asking him questions. He hasn't spoken since our conversation a week ago. Raph and I exchange a disappointed look. Maybe I should try to get him to eat something. It's time to start with real foods and getting him on a diet anyways, he needs to gain weight.

"How about some food? Are you hungry?" I ask him. He seems to perk up at this; his eyes suddenly eager and full of excitement. He still doesn't say anything but he hesitantly nods his head once. Well at least his desire to eat outweighs his distrust.

I look at Raph and he gives me a thumbs up.

"I'll watch him." He says and I turn on my heel out of the lab. I walk towards the kitchen, running through the list of foods I should try. He needs Vitamins and minerals: Vitamin A, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K, Calcium, Iron, Proteins…

I might have to ask April to go shopping.

* * *

(Raph)

I watch Donnie leave in a hurry, he looks pretty happy now he has something to do. He never has been one to sit and twiddle his thumbs. Donnie just can't handle doing nothing with his thoughts. He needs to fill the void with actions.

I sigh and feel a slight tweak in my head. Concussions aren't like normal headaches; they are migraines on steroids. Absolutely everything hurts. Light becomes unbearable and noise becomes daggers. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in the lab, even this light is making my eyes throb. I am also dizzy, light headed, and moving feels like walking through concrete. At least I am no longer throwing up, that's a plus.

The most annoying thing is Donnie, I mean I know he is just worried and concussions are serious or whatever but I hate being babied.

I put a hand over my eyes and try to soak in the darkness.

"Are you hurt?" I hear a hoarse whisper. I sit up with surprise and ignore the screeching groans of my brain. Mikey's blue eyes bore into me; they are full of such intensity that reminds me of Leo. He said something. He said something! Should I call for Donnie? No, he might not talk again.

"I'm alright." I mutter, not really sure what to do. He continues to wearily scrutinize me.

"You are in pain." He says stronger and louder.

"I have a concussion, uh, my head hurts." I confirm.

"So you are hurt." He restates. I don't respond at first, still trying to figure out what to say. He eyes me carefully.

"Did I hurt you?" He asks.

I shouldn't lie to him. I'm not going to either. He wants the truth and white lies make him distrust us even more.

"Yes."

"I-I'm sorry." He apologizes bashfully. I try to smile.

"Don't worry about it. I guess I deserved it for scaring you like I did."

He looks away from me and starts to rub his hand on his leg, nervous fidgeting. Quiet descends on us again and I feel awkward. I want to keep the conversation going but I don't know what to say. What do you typically say to a person after they go through a terrifying and life changing ordeal?

"Are you hurt?" I ask him.

Well, that's a dumb question, of course he is. Thank you Captain Obvious, he is in a tremendous amount of pain! Although, he never shows it, he doesn't even groan. I've only seen him flinch or clench his jaw.

He doesn't say anything.

Well I lost my chance to get him to talk, dammit. Of course I manage to say something stupid. Typical Raph. I would mentally slap myself but my concussion is doing that for me.

"I'm always hurt." He whispers. I blink at him. A deep sadness washes over me. I reach out to touch him, to assure him I'm here but he recoils away from my hand. So I put it back in my lap. I want him to know I'm not a threat but he just doesn't trust me.

He used to trust me so much. Even when I got angry and was a little too rough he always trusted me. Hell I almost bashed his head in with a pipe once and he didn't even care, he brushed it off like it was nothing and his trust in me never faltered. I would give anything to have that back.

_I'm always hurt._

My heart breaks in half. I don't think he just means physical pain, I think he knows how broken he is. A lump forms in my throat and I have nothing to say. What is there to say? How does someone respond to something like that?

I am saved by the door, Donnie comes back in with a plate food. Fruits mostly. Mikey watches him move closer and stays completely still. Don slows his pace and holds out the collection of strawberries and blueberries.

"It's food." Donnie says softly. Mike's eyes darken and he glances at me.

"It's okay." I tell him. He still doesn't look convinced. Don puts the plate down on the edge of the cot and moves away. Mikey watches the food; I can tell he wants it. His biological need is pushing through.

When was the last time he ate?

I doubt he even knows. He reaches out and quickly snatches the plate, he starts eating hungrily. Not even savoring it as it shoves down his throat. I don't think he tastes it, he just feels the satisfaction of food in his stomach.

They didn't even feed him regularly; the ones who did this to him. They are monsters. I can't believe someone would be this cruel. He was tortured, drugged, and starved.

_I'm always hurt_

Says the one who hardly even twitches from the pain. Says the one whose eyes only speak of horrors and empty sadness. Says the one who is the spitting image of my past brother only with a different soul.

I can't take it right now. I get out of my chair and earn a fast look from Donnie.

"I think imma go lay down for a bit." I tell him. His eyes flash with sorrow and he frowns. He knows that's bullshit. Well to be fair, my head is bothering me but it's not the reason I am leaving.

"Okay, get some rest." He plays along. He doesn't look disappointed in me, just sad. He always looks sad nowadays.

I turn around and I have to suck down the tears that threaten to fall. I'm not going to cry, I'm not.

I walk out of the lab quickly. I'm not going to break down again, I'm not.

I take deep breaths. I will be okay, I will.

* * *

(Leo)

I sit at the kitchen table drinking a cold glass of water. I play with the beads of condensation dripping down the glass. My muscles are trying to relax from a rigorous training exercise. We haven't been training all week because of Mikey but I don't want to fall behind. Besides exercise is a good stress reliever. It always calms my troubled nerves.

_Maybe if I trained a little more none of this would have happened in the first place._

No don't think like that. This isn't my fault. Raph's right I shouldn't blame myself. But I just can't seem to help it. Maybe I should speak to Splinter about these excessive feelings of guilt.

I hear Raph shuffling in and I look up. He lethargically sways towards the cabinets. His concussion is only minor but he seems to be struggling today. He's been doing too much, he needs to rest. He's had a couple concussions before so he's been through this routine before, it's not a new injury to him so he'll push himself. I'm no doctor but I know that too many concussions are not a good thing, he should be resting.

He doesn't even glance at me but I know he knows I'm here. He opens the cabinet and pulls out a pill bottle. I lean forward to look at it.

Ibuprofen.

In addition of the numerous concussions in this family, I have luckily learned a thing or two about them and he shouldn't be taking ibuprofen, there's a possibility it may increase the risk of bleeding.

"Didn't Donnie tell you not to take ibuprofen?" I ask as Raph attempts to pop off the lid of an Advil bottle.

"Something like that." He mutters.

"Don't you think you should listen to your doctor?" I am serious but my voice is teasing.

"He's an 'engineer not a doctor.'" Raph poorly mocks Donnie. I grin a little at the impersonation.

"Maybe not but he does know what he's talking about." I subtly lecture.

"At this point, I don't care. It. Hurts." He points to his brain and grits out the last two words.

"Fine if you want to die that's your problem." I shrug. Raph shoots me a glare before finally unsnapping the lid. He is about to take them when a loud yell surprises him.

"Guys!" Donnie storms into the kitchen. Raph jumps at the sudden shout and hundreds of small circular Advil pills fly out of the bottle. They rain all over the counter and floor making a loud clatter. Raph blinks at first, then his jaw clenches and his eyes squint. He turns his head to glare at Donnie but Don beats him to it.

"I thought I told you no ibuprofen Raph." He scolds. I fail to stop a giggle and cover my mouth with a hand when they both switch their glares to me. Raph huffs,

"Geez we need to put a cow bell on you"

"Who's with Mikey?" I ask.

"Mikey is sleeping right now but Splinter is with him." He answers. Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Raph trying to sneak some Advil in his mouth but Donnie smacks them out of his hand.

"Over there, away from the pills." He points across the room. Raph grunts out of frustration but complies. I can't help the grin spreading on my face. It's been a while since I've had a genuine smile. Donnie faces us and holds up an old looking textbook.

"So what did you find out?" I ask, pushing a more serious tone.

"Well I—how'd you know I found something?"

"Believe it or not, I have known you your whole life." I shrug.

"Oh, well. Anyways, Mikey's reactions to our masks reminded me of a psychological experiment I read once." He shoves the psychology textbook on the table. It is already open and a picture of dogs appear on the side of the text.

"Pavlov's dogs." I read out loud. Donnie nods his head with excitement and his eyes light up; they always do when he finds something fascinating.

"Classical Conditioning." He informs us.

"What's that?" Raph asks.

"It's a learning technique."

"What does Mikey have to do with Pavloafs Dogs?" Raph questions.

"Pavlov." Donnie automatically corrects. "Well, Classical conditioning involves learning a new behavior via the process of association. In simple terms two stimuli are linked together to produce a new learned response. It connects an unconditioned response with a certain stimulus to create a new response."

"What makes you think I understand anything you just said?" Raph crosses his arms.

He sighs and tilts his head up, searching for a better way to explain. He points to the dogs in the book.

"Well Dogs have a natural tendency to salivate when they see food right? It's a natural or an _unconditioned_ response. Food is an unconditioned stimulus; you don't have to be taught to respond to it." He stops to make sure we are both following.

"Alright." I nod.

"So there was a bell that would ring before Pavlov brought the dogs food, after a while he noticed the dogs started to salivate to the ring of the bell before the food was brought to them, they began to associate the noise with food. So the bell becomes a conditioned or learned stimulus and the dogs who originally salivated to food would now salivate to the bell, creating a conditioned or learned response."

"I think I get it. But what does Pavliv's dogs have to do with Mikey?" Raph inquires.

"Pavlov." Donnie corrects again.

"Whatever."

"Are you saying that his captors associated the color of our masks to an action or created a um, conditioned response?" I think I get it.

"I think they conditioned him to each color, yes. It fits logically but it's just a hypothesis." Donnie affirms. It gets quiet as we all soak in this information.

"Bastards." Raph furiously growls. "They used us. This wasn't just about Mikey, they taught him to associate each of us with something awful. Those bastards! They did this to hurt all of us, it wasn't enough to torture him, they had to make us suffer too. Even with our brother back he's not our brother, whoever they are they knew this would be the worst kind of torture they could give us." Raph angrily spits out and slams a fist on the table.

"Those damn bastards." He grits through clenching teeth. Donnie doesn't say anything; he just stares at Raph with a heartbroken expression.

I rub my finger along my water glass and stare at it. Raph is right; this was meant to test all of us, to mentally shatter our family.

"Is there any way to reverse the effect?" I quietly ask. Don pauses before speaking.

"Yes."

"How?" Raph asks sharply, his tone biting and bitter. None of it meant towards Donnie.

"We will have to break the conditioning. If the stimulus isn't consistent or doesn't occur every time, the learned behavior will be lost. If we can do that successfully, it will change back to what it was before the conditioning happened. It's called extinction in psychology terms."

"How do we do that? We don't know what they did to him and we can't ask him. He doesn't exactly trust us." Raph points out.

"Well then we start figuring it out. We can piece enough of it together if we get him to talk a little; we will just have to be patient." I declare. Raph's mouth twitches, he doesn't like that idea too well. He turns to Donnie.

"You said it will change him back, will we get _our_ Mikey back?" Raph asks, hope glinting in his eyes. Donnie gives him a sad look and my stomach turns.

"Not necessarily. It will destroy the effects of the masks and colors but he was still tortured, he was mentally scarred from his experience and that won't change. Which brings me to my next point. I believe he was pumped full of drugs that purposely caused amnesia."

"What?" Raph and I both sit up.

"Benzodiazepines. It's a class of drugs that can cause drug induced amnesia. These drugs can be used to either make people forget or unable to create new memories. They are used for surgeries and sometimes even therapeutic treatments for traumatic events, purposely causing repression. It's why Mikey can't remember anything; I don't even know if he recalls much of his captivity. They used a lot of it." He tells us and we listen intently.

I sigh. They purposely made him forget us and then they taught him to be fearful of us. They destroyed him by destroying his memories, his family. Once we were wiped from his mind it was probably easy to warp and twist his brain. Why? What was the purpose of this? What gave them the right to mess with our lives like this? Never in my life have I been this angry. Or this guilty. That feeling again, every time I look at Mikey it comes slamming back into me with a new force. I guess I am just going to have to deal with it because it won't help anyone now.

At least we have something to work with. We may not be able to bring back the old Mikey but we can certainly help him get better. And we will. I swear on my life we will do everything we can.

"Can the drugs wear off? Is there any way he can get his memories back?" Raph asks.

"Maybe." Is all Donnie says and that's all he will say for the time being.

Raph sighs.

"Damn Pavlen's dogs." He mumbles. Donnie opens his mouth to correct him but he stops himself. His mouth twists into an irritated frown.

"Are you doing it on purpose?" He scoffs.

**Okay so about the drugs. There are real drugs that purposely cause amnesia and it is a real thing, however I do stretch it a little.**

**I hope my explanation came across okay, it's kind of hard to explain! I tried to use Pavlov's dogs but…ya…so that's what is going on with Mikey but to the extreme. C:**

**Review please and thank you c:**


	11. Chapter 11: What They Created

**Hello! Sorry it's been a while; it's just that this chapter was such a struggle for me! It's not my greatest unfortunately but hey, not ever chapter gets to be pristine. Besides it's somewhat of a filler anyways. Next chapter is basically already planned so that should be a nice contrast to this one!**

**Thank you all so much who have reviewed/fave/liked this story! You all are amazing! Seriously, you deserve a reward for being so awesome.**

**Enjoy C:**

Two weeks since freed from captivity

_The cold brushes across my sore muscles and I groan. I awaken to the sounds of haunting silence and a hard floor. When I open my eyes, I find myself in total darkness._

_Where am I?_

_I push up into a sitting position and my body aches with bruises. I feel the back of my throbbing head and a slick wetness sticks to my fingers. Blood._

_Oh gosh, what happened?_

_I slowly get to my feet and try to navigate through the darkness. I move slowly, my arms reaching out to feel for anything. My fingers feel icy metal and I pull back quickly._

_What is this?_

_I reach out again and brush against the metal; I rub my hands all along the smooth surface. My fingers catch when I feel a crack. I follow it down a straight line all the way to the floor._

_It's a door._

_I search for some kind of handle but I don't find one. A knot twists in my gut and I want to throw up, something is really wrong. _

_What happened? Where are my brothers? The last thing I remember is walking around New York. I reach for my weapons, but they are gone. __This is not good. __Come on, think! What happened? Anxiety slams into my stomach like a pound of bricks. A strange chill runs up my skin and I struggle to breathe. _

_Okay, stay calm. Stay calm. Maybe this is a bad dream._

_The door creaks and groans and I step back quickly. It opens slowly and dim light chases the shadows away. I take advantage of the light and look around, I am in a cell. My heart stops, this is really not good. _

_Then a man steps in. A large man, wearing all black and hiding his face in the dark. Only a vague light silhouettes him. _

"_Uh, is there any chance you're my rescuer?" I ask with a shaky voice. He doesn't say anything, he just moves towards me. I widen my stance and prepare to fight._

"_Strong silent type huh?" I say but he remains silent. As he moves closer to me I instinctively reach for my weapons. Shit, that's right. They're gone. _

"_They are waiting for you." He says. His voice is harsh and bitter like he's lost every other emotion. _

"_Who?" I ask cautiously._

"_My bosses."_

_I clench my fists. He raises his eyebrows._

"_We can do this the easy way or the hard way." He threatens. _

_I glare at him. I have an awful feeling about this, but there is no way I am going to do this the easy way. I stand frozen and he takes one more step towards me. I lash out with a strong palm strike that catches his jaw. He stumbles backwards and rubs his chin._

_He growls._

_I try to step around him and bolt for the door but he stands in my way. I try to strike him again but he side steps and grabs my wrist. Before I can break out of his hold he shoves a needle into my arm._

_For a second I feel nothing, but then an over whelming dizziness hits me and I fall to one knee._

"_What, what was that?" I ask as I struggle to stay upright. He doesn't respond, instead he grabs and drags me out of the door and into a dark hallway. I try to fight against him and pull away but my body won't comply. I can feel my limbs is slowly numbing and suddenly I can't move my feet. He is practically carrying me at this point. We go down a long dreary corridor until we enter another room. I throw my head up, using all the strength I can muster and I see a chair. He shoves me into it and straps my legs, arms, and head in._

_Not like I could move anyway._

_But then a weird device positions around my eyes, my teeth grind together as it digs into my eye lids and forces them open. What the shell is going on? The panic is starting to become overwhelming. My fight or flight response is kicking and screaming. _

_The man in black moves away after he straps me to the chair and I hear the door close as he leaves. But I am not alone. Someone else is here, I can feel him. An eerie sensation fills my senses. Whoever is in here with me is the real enemy. I can feel his bad energy as he moves closer to me. He steps in front of me and stares. He's taller than the man in black and eloquently dressed. __His blonde hair is perfectly gelled back into a stylish cut.__ His eyes are wild, holding captive a spark of danger and insanity. __He has a sharp jaw, pointed nose, and h__is lips curve upwards into a slicing grin. _

"_Who…who are you?" I manage to ask. Even my lips are starting to feel a numbing effect. He moves out of my line of sight and now I am stuck staring at a wide screen in his place. When he speaks, his voice is sharp and cold._

"_I am pain."_

_Abruptly the screen flashes purple._

_Before I can even contemplate what's happening, i__nstant searing pain rips up my skin._

_I scream._

I wake up choking on that scream. My breathing heaves and my eyes snap open. The light is blinding and I don't know where I am. My body shakes and sweat drips down my forehead. I feel hands on my body and I start twisting and turning, pushing them off me. As my vision adjusts to the light I see Leo standing over me. His mouth is moving but I can't hear him. A buzzing in my ears swallows all sound.

He forehead pulls together tightly and I can see the panic in his eyes. I stop fighting him and try to find his voice.

"Its okay, Mikey, it was just a dream!" I eventually hear him trying to pacify me. His hand rests on my shoulder and for once I don't mind. I try to sit up and he helps me. I close my eyes and focus on breathing, he rubs my shell gently. If it was any other time, I would pull away from his touch but I don't. His presence is oddly comforting. We sit like that for a while as I attempt to calm down.

It was a memory but it felt so real. It was the first time I awoke in my cell. It was when I was in control of who I was, of when I was alive. It was the ghost of Michelangelo. It was the beginning of my end.

"Mikey." Leo says after a long time. I don't move. I keep my head down staring at the floor.

It felt so real. Am I stuck in loop? It was the first time I ever felt such fear and such pain. I remember.

"I remember." I mumble so quietly I am surprised Leo hears me.

"What did you remember?"

I don't say anything. I shake my head no. I don't want to relive it. Not again.

"Was it of your captivity?" He asks.

My eyes flicker to his face, I remain quiet. He shifts and determination stretches across his face.

"What did they do to you?" He asks sternly this time.

Why would he ask me that? Why does he want to know? I don't want to talk about it, he knows that. He's been getting bolder, asking stronger questions and pushing me to talk. They all are. Leo is no longer walking on eggshells around me.

I realize Leo's hand is still on my shell and I move away from it. His arm falls to his side and his face shadows. I can see him changing tactics, he isn't done yet.

"Mikey, please talk to me." He implores.

It's his voice; powerful, kind, soothing. There's something about it that makes me want to tell him. It's so different than how the colors talked. I didn't want to obey Red. In fact I loathed his voice. With Leo, it draws me in, I want to listen. I want to obey him. I drag my eyes to his and he must be able to read my thoughts.

He smiles. It's lopsided but it reaches his eyes unlike Donnie's fake smiles.

"I am here to help you." He says. Every day since I have been here he says that exact phrase, and each time I believe it a little more. Still, I don't say anything.

"I can't help you unless you talk to me."

I shake my head. No.

"Mikey, I need to know what they did."

He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand, none of them do. It's not a matter of what they did, it's a matter of what they created.

The silence weighs on us and I can almost hear his hope snapping into pieces. He sighs in defeat and I know I've won this fight. It turns my stomach, they're trying to help me. He sits back in his chair and looks away.

"Do you need anything?" He mutters, dwelling in hopelessness. I hate myself for making him feel this way. Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel his kindness is just a ploy.

I shake my head no.

"Okay. Do you _want_ anything?" He rephrases.

Want? I want many things. I want to trust him, I want to remember who I was and I want to forget what I have become. But I don't often get what I want, life isn't fair like that. Especially if that life is mine.

"I want to walk." I say. I didn't think about it, it just came out of me. I cringe at the sound of my own voice, it sounds so rusty and tired. He looks at me and blinks. I want to stand, I want to move. I feel so useless and weak just laying here; it's a prison in a different form.

"You can't." He stresses and glances at my bandaged leg. He frowns sympathetically.

"I want to stand." I say again, firmer this time. It's not only what I want, it's what I need. I need to move, it's driving me crazy sitting here all day and night.

"I know it's hard, but with your injuries it's better if you rested."

"Have you ever been bed ridden?" I ask. His face darkens and a memory unfolds across his eyes. An unpleasant one by the way he tightens his jaw.

"Yes."

"Then you should understand."

He sits silently in contemplation. I can see him processing. Then he nods his head slowly.

"I'll see what I can do."

* * *

(Raph)

The air nibbles and bites my skin; it's going to be winter soon. I stare out at the darkening buildings as an icy breeze rubs against the city. I love this city but I have eyes only for one place now, the abandoned asylum, the place we found Mikey. I want to go back. I want to look for answers. We didn't have time to investigate; we were too busy frantically looking for him. The place should be able to tell us something, it probably has more clues than Mikey would be able to give us.

I don't know if he won't talk because it's too hard or because he can't remember. Probably a combination of both.

Donnie puts a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't know if that's a good idea." He says in a low voice. Are thoughts not private anymore? I guess he wants to go just as much as I do. I shrug off his hand rather roughly.

"But it's an idea." I mutter. I know we all want to go back there. If not to find clues then to tear the place apart and burn it to the ground. Heck if we find the people responsible, we might just leave them in there to burn with it.

"We shouldn't go without Leo." Donnie argues softly. I choose to ignore him and continue to glare at the damned asylum. Fitting they picked an asylum, perhaps they meant it to have meaning.

Donnie sighs deeply and tugs his head the other direction.

"Come on. We came out here with a job to do."

My eyes linger on the darkening horizon. Even the city looks sad tonight.

I turn my back on New York and push past my brother. I jump over the edge of the roof and land on the fire escape. I hear Donnie swing down behind me. I open the window and climb inside. The first thing I notice is the delicious aroma of cookies baking in the oven. The living room is empty but the TV is on, the 24 hour weather guy is prattling on about the vastly dropping temperatures. They act like New Yorkers have never experienced cold before. The apartment is fairly clean, only couple of knickknacks scatter around, most of which I am guessing are Casey's. I can't help but smile, it's always homey here. Maybe New York is sad tonight but April's place never is.

"I wonder where she is." Donnie mumbles. I give him a quick amused glance before—

"April!" I bellow and Donnie jumps from the sudden yell. He glares at me and I wink at him. A door opens and a mop of red hair flops about. Her eyes are wide with surprise but her smile bursts and brightens the entire room.

"Guys? Is that really you?" She slides the rest of the way into the living room and practically runs and throws her arms around us both. It's been a while since she's seen us. I feel rather guilty about it actually. She lets go and playfully punches my arm.

"How dare you leave me alone with only Casey Jones for company." She teases with obvious affection for the man. I chuckle.

"I didn't realize we'd be leaving you with that kind of torture." I jest back.

"Sorry, we've been rather busy." Donnie apologizes but he sounds distant and cold. I glance at him, something is off. April's smile slowly dims into a frown as she realizes what exactly has been keeping us busy.

"How is he?" she asks very serious now. Donnie and I look at each other.

"Better. He's doing better." Donnie eventually answers. Pft, yeah right. I suppress the need to scowl. We shouldn't lie to her.

"Did Leo stay with him?" She asks. Donnie nods his head.

"He sends his regards."

She tries to smile but it's not quite as large anymore.

"May I see Mikey?"

"I don't know April, he is still pretty unsure of us. I don't think more people would help him right now." Donnie tells her, his voice is hallow.

She nods her head in understanding but her eyes fall with disappointment. Donnie's face twists with empathy and he puts a hand on her shoulder. The cold knot tightening in my stomach recedes. Finally, some emotion shows.

"I'll let you know as soon as I think he can handle it." He promises. It earns him a thankful smile.

"Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yes actually, that's why we came. I was wondering if there is any possible way for you to get a hold of crutches."

She hums with thought.

"I think I might have some actually, I broke my leg a couple years ago. I'll go look."

She leaves Donnie and I to wait in silence. We stand on opposite sides of the room. He moves to the window and tilts his head up to watch the night sky. I cross my arms and lean my weight on one foot.

I study him closely. Bags hang under his eyes from extreme lack of sleep. His shoulders slump slightly over and his eyes teem with emptiness. He's hiding all emotion behind a wall. It fails miserably. The more he acts like the robot, the more I know how sad he is, how angry he is.

It's not healthy. He needs to let it go. Leo and I are already moving on, we've done our grieving. But Donnie's stuck, he refuses to release his feelings.

A loud crash is heard from the shop below and a few minutes' later footsteps come marching up the stairs. Not Aprils, they're too heavy. I smirk a little and call out as the stomping gets to the top.

"If it isn't the one and only Casey Jones."

He turns the corner and grins.

"How'd ya know it was me?"

"Cause you're about as silent as a bull in a china shop."

He doesn't respond to that, he's too happy to see me. Instead he walks up to me and gives me a friendlier-than-it-looks headlock. I shove him off roughly and chuckle. Then he wraps both arms around me and gives me a firm hug. I pat his back hard and he does the same. Donnie appears bored and watches the weather guy continue to babble.

"How've ya been knucklehead? Keeping out of trouble?" I ask him.

"I'm always in trouble." He grins wickedly like he's proud of that statement.

"CASEY JONES!" We all flinch at the livid shout emitting from downstairs. Casey's expression turns from cocky to downright afraid, only April O'Neil can strike fear in the hearts of warriors.

"See, always in trouble." He mumbles. April stomps into the living room with a broken and, no doubt, expensive looking antique. She is also holding the crutches and shoves them into Donnie as she passes by him. She gets up in Casey's face and holds up the broken antique. Casey sheepishly looks down like a scolded dog.

Donnie leans over and whispers to me, "Come on, let's go before we somehow get caught in the crossfire."

I smirk and nod with agreement. Donnie steps forwards. "We better get back, Leo will start to worry. I promise I'll let you know as soon as it's possible for you to see Mikey."

Casey looks at me with a plea of help. I mouth _bull in a china shop _to him and he frowns.

April turns towards us and her furious face changes into a brilliant smile.

"Alright guys, call if you need anything. And don't be such strangers."

Then she turns back to Casey, her anger flooding back in an instant. I suppress a chuckle. Even Don grins at the scene unfolding in front of us. Smiles look so unfamiliar on him now days. At least he hasn't gone completely robot.

* * *

(Leo)

It's exactly like the night we found Mikey, nothing has changed. That probably means no one has been here since we rescued him. I didn't tell my brothers I was coming here, which is not the brightest of choices on my part but I don't know how well they would handle it. Besides, Raph is still recovering from his concussion and I'd rather not risk anything.

I move through the bitter cold hallway, most of the doors are shut tightly as if trying to keep back secrets. Most likely for my own good. The halls are dark and only a couple lights flicker against the time ridden floors, I can barely see. When I look close at the rooms lining the hallways, it looks like a hospital but the names and numbers next to the doors have been furiously scratched off. Honestly this place reminds me of a set from one of those scary movies Mikey used to love. I wasn't scared watching those movies, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little creeped out now.

It's completely empty. Still I remain on high alert.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a door slightly ajar. I quietly move towards it and slip inside the icy room. I open the door a little more, trying to utilize the dim lighting from the corridors. I see an odd looking chair in the middle of the small room that has straps hanging off, it was used to hold someone in. The chair is facing a large white screen and behind it is a projector.

I walk up to the projector and notice three different buttons. I push one that looks like a power button and light ignites the white screen. Shadows crawl across the walls and dust floats through the air. I click the first button and look up at the screen. It flashes purple, the color bounces off the room in a haze. I click the next button, Red. The walls appear bloody from the shade. My stomach drops.

I think I know the next one, I click it.

Blue.

**That's all for now folks!**

**I hope it was okay, that was my first time ever writing Casey and April so I hope that was fine. I don't know.**

**Review please and thank you c: always nice to know what you all are thinking!**


	12. Chapter 12: Blood

**Hey how's it hanging c: Alright so last chapter was pretty short! I am hoping this will make up for it! **

**Also the Asylum was made up as a part of my story and there aren't really any abandoned Aslyums in NYC, but there is one in Buffalo NY that's pretty terrifying. If you're interested in seeing some pictures look up**

_**nysasylum . c o m**_

**I thought they were kind of cool/creepy. My favorite is the one in Buffalo though.**

**Enjoy c:**

_3 weeks since freed from captivity _

The way they move is art. It reminds me of dancing how their bodies melt into rhythmic movements, it's so fluid and smooth. Who knew fighting could be beautiful?

They are ninjas. They tell me I am one too but I don't think I could do what they do, not with so much grace and agility. I observe the three turtles closely, trying to find something to click in my memory. I get blanks.

They told me a lot about Ninjtsu but none of it seems familiar, none if it triggers. The only fighting I recall is when Red forced me to. I thought it was just luck that I survived but maybe it was more than that. Maybe somewhere deep inside I remember how to be a ninja.

They are doing something called 'Katas'. I watch intently hoping to recognize one. I don't.

I sit by the rat, Splinter. He tells me he's my father and I don't know if I believe it. Still, something about him makes me want to draw in close. I feel more comfortable around him than I do with the others.

I watch Leo in particular. He practices with such intensity and grace it's hard not to look. He draws out his swords; he told me they are called Katanas. At first he's slow and almost respectful of the weapons. Then he begins to move, his body swaying with the Katana as it twists around his body and slices through the air. He freezes every so often holding one position a second longer before moving again, first his Katana and then his body. His speed blurs the movements together so all I see is the metallic glint of every attack.

I focus on the weapon; it looks so similar to the swords I used. In fact if I look closely enough I swear I can see the metal glaring red with innocent blood, blood I split. _The blood drips down the sword. I stare at the young face, probably no older than I am. He's brown eyes are glossy and pale. A strange feeling twists my stomach and I want to throw up. I don't know what it is but it feels so wrong. This feels so wrong. I just can't stop myself, I can't disobey. _

_"Good, Pet." Red's voice hisses in my ear. I turn and kneel down before him. I stare at the ground and lay the sword flat. I hold it out for him to take it, I can feel the blood staining my hand. _

_"Very good."_

I gasp and cringe. No.

I shake the dreadful memory away. How could I have done it? How could I have been so manipulated? Why couldn't I stop myself? I can't remember who I was or most of my captivity but I can remember every single person I killed. I can remember every man who looked up at me with terrified and pleading eyes before I ended their lives.

Murderer.

My breathing hitches and I turn away. Splinter notices my sudden unease and gazes at me with concern.

"My son, what is the matter?" He leans closer to me and puts a soft hand on my shell.

My Son? I almost scoff; it's said with such endearment. I don't deserve it. If only he knew what I have done. I try to avert my eyes and keep them glued to the floor.

"I.." The word slips from my mouth and I cautiously glance at him.

"I can't…" I try to speak but nothing comes out.

Murderer.

He tilts his head and scans the three turtles training before turning his attention back to me. His dark eyes seem to envelope me like he can see straight through. I twitch uncomfortably. He definitely is intimidating.

He makes a deep humph noise and stands up.

"I think I would like some tea, would you care to join me?"

I look at him, he's rather short even when I am sitting and he is standing. Why do I feel like I don't have a choice? I nod and pick up my one crutch. I can only use one. I struggle to get out of the chair they dragged over for me. Splinter leans forwards and helps me up. I didn't want him to but I don't know how to respond to him. I can't pull away like I do with the others. It would feel, disrespectful. We start to walk out of the room when Leo notices us and stops, the tips of his Katanas' brush against the ground.

"Sensei? Is something wrong?" He asks obviously worried. Donnie and Raph both stop and tune in as well.

"Everything is fine Leonardo. Continue with training while I accompany your brother."

Leo's jaw clenches and I can tell he wants to ask more questions but he doesn't. Instead he bows gracefully and turns to resume his training. I blink at the curious movement.

Weird. He'd bowed.

I look at Splinter, so he is their master. He isn't anything like Red, he isn't harsh or cruel. The way they bow to him is different too. When I bowed to Red it was never like that. They bow with respect not submission. I don't understand, how does he wield this power over them without breaking their spirits? They love him and he loves them in return. That isn't how it's supposed to go. Its master and servant, nothing else.

I push my thoughts away and slowly struggle behind Splinter. It's pathetic how I trudge along like this. It reminds me how weak I am.

Splinter leads me into the kitchen and helps me down into another chair at a table. When I eventually sit down my breathing is heavy from the exertion of just moving from one room to another. I look down at my throbbing leg. I hate this. Splinter moves towards a kettle and starts brewing tea. It's silent while he does it. Neither of us say a word nor do we look at each other.

Once he's done he puts a warm glass in front of me. The steam brushes against my cheeks and I glare down at the lightly brown liquid. I don't want to drink it; I'm not sure what _it_ is exactly. Whenever the colors gave me something to drink it was rarely a good thing.

When I look up, Splinter is sitting in front of me with his own cup of tea in both hands.

"Drink, it will help the pain." He nods his head towards my glass. I don't move. I just stare at his long stern face and try to read him and his intentions. He sets his cup down gently and tilts his head again; one ear slightly peaking over the other.

"You do not trust me, do you." It's more of a statement than a question.

His voice is strong and unyielding. I drop my eyes away from him and start playing with a bandage on my wrist, pretending I am not interested in this conversation.

"You do not trust your brothers either." He continues.

I remain silent. He's right; I don't trust any of them. But what does he expect? I don't even trust my own mind. He shouldn't take it personal.

"You are not broken, Michelangelo."

I flinch at the name and my attention snaps fully on him. I feel the words descending into my skin and my heart falls into my stomach. But I am broken, I am. Look at me; I am a pathetic excuse for a living creature. I lost all my fight and I lost who I am. I am lost. The colors shattered my mind and spirit. I am the definition of broken.

"Michelangelo is still here. He is sitting right in front of me. I can feel his spirit burying deep inside and residing in your memories. The problem is, you can't remember." He pauses before adding, "You must let your brothers help you."

My heart beats faster and I don't know what to do with my hands. I try to keep my breathing even.

"And they cannot help you until you trust them."

It grows quiet again and he takes a sip of his tea, letting his words sink in. I take a deep breath and look up at Splinter. His expression hasn't changed but his shoulders are tense.

_You are not broken._

He is wrong, I am broken. But I do need help.

No I don't fully trust them. I want to and maybe that's good enough; maybe I should take a leap of faith. They have yet to prove me wrong, they have yet to give me a reason why I shouldn't believe them. I need them. I need them to help me figure out who I am. Are they truly my brothers? I don't know. What I do know is that they are my only chance, the only way I will be free of the demons the colors left to fester inside.

It's not going to be easy on both ends but I need them.

_You are not broken._

I need to take a leap of faith. So, I reach out with shaky fingers and grab my cup. I put it to my lips and drink.

* * *

(Raph)

"Leo, have you seen Donnie?" I ask. I don't get a response. I look closely at Leo and his eyes are wide and staring, they gloss over with thought. Great this again.

"Leo." I call a bit louder but I still don't get a response. I roll my eyes and walk up to him. I knock on the top of his head.

"Hello? Anyone home?"

He reacts instinctively when I touch him and jumps. He looks at me.

"What?" He croaks.

"I asked if you've seen Donnie." I huff.

"Oh, yeah I've seen him." He mumbles. His mind is obviously elsewhere. I wait for him to explain more but he doesn't. He turns his head and I can tell he's already checking out.

"And?" I exaggerate with my hands and bite down on my irritation.

"I told him to get some rest, he's exhausted." He explains quietly.

Oh. I frown as it becomes silent. I glance at Leo out of the corner of my eyes. Oh my god, he is already dazing again! That's it.

"Oh for the love of— what is wrong with you?" I snap. It gets his attention and he whirls his head to face me.

"What?" He squints his eyes like he has no idea what I'm talking about. Oh don't play dumb with me big brother.

"You've been in LaLa land for the past few days, what has you so out of it?"

"I'm thinking."

"Thinking for who? The entire world?"

A strange emotion flashes across his face and it surprises me. I feel my brows rise. Is that a little bit of guilt I sense? I can see the wheels in his head turning and he's debating whether or not he should tell me. Uh oh.

"If I tell you, will you promise not to get mad?"

Oh geeze. What happened now? I nod my head and he takes a deep breath. I wait patiently.

"Well, I went back to the asylum and I—"

"YOU WHAT?" I explode.

"Okay wait before you get angry I–"

I punch him in the shoulder.

"Ow!" He glares and I ignore it.

"Leo what the hell were you thinking? You went alone!?"

"Yes but I was perfectly safe, no one was even there." He crosses his arms defensively. I growl at him.

"Yeah well there could have been."

"Would you calm down? It's not a big deal." He protests and looks as annoyed as I feel.

"Oh please! If this situation were reversed you know you would be lecturing me until my brain melted."

"I—" He stops and thinks about it, "good point."

I shake my head angrily and pace away from him. He just watches me.

"Why didn't you tell us you were going? We would have gone with you." I turn around and face him again.

"Which is why I didn't tell you."

I blink. What?

"Why didn't you want us to come?" I ask.

"Well for one you still have a concussion." He explains and I scoff.

"I'm fine." Sort of. I still have headaches at times, especially when I train too hard. But for the most part I feel fine. No more dizziness and no more sensitivity. Leo gives me a skeptical look, I ignore it.

"And...and I'm a little worried about Donnie." He says quietly. My annoyance with Leo simmers almost immediately, I understand his concern. I shrug.

"Come on Leo you know Donnie, he'll snap out of it." I attempt to assure him but I'm not even so sure I believe that. I've never seen Don this like this before and I'm not sure what to make of it. It's typical of him to handle his emotions well, to push it away when we have to. But this is getting unhealthy. It's obvious how troubled he is and yet he refuses to let it out.

"He's sad when he thinks we aren't looking." Leo mutters, "and when we are looking it's like he's not even there anymore."

I take a deep breath.

"Well, he might be a brick wall but he'll still be mad you went to the asylum alone." I point out.

"I know."

It gets quiet; we both are dwelling on our troubled genius brother.

"Well, what did you find?" I ask curiously. He must have found something or else he wouldn't have brought this up. He shrugs.

"I didn't stay long. The Asylum is bigger than it looks, and creepier."

"Was the great Oh fearless one afraid?" I smirk. I simply couldn't help myself. He ignores the comment.

"Most of the rooms are locked but I think I found out how they uh, conditioned, Mikey. The definitely used the colors of our mask."

I roll my eyes.

"Well we already guessed that."

Leo glares again.

"But I think I know how they did it."

Interesting. What've been saying all along. We should go back there, it'll tell us more than Mikey can.

"So what you're saying is that it was a successful mission?" I ask. He cautiously gazes at me. He knows what I'm going to say.

"I'm not saying anything." He squints his eyes. A smile at him slightly.

"You know what? I think we should all take a field trip."

"Raph." Leo warns sternly.

"Come on Leo don't be dense. We can explore more of the place with all three of us. Besides, Mikey isn't talking and I don't know if he will anytime soon. This is our best chance to figure out what exactly happened to him."

He sighs.

"I know you're right. I just have a bad feeling about it."

I smile softly and pat his shoulder.

"Don't worry so much about us Mother Hen, we'll be fine."

* * *

(Donnie)

It's been hours and I still haven't been able to fall asleep.

I slowly open my eyes; it's painful how exhausted I am. Leo ordered me to get some rest but it isn't that easy. I'm not avoiding sleep it's avoiding me. Maybe I've been sleeping in the lab too much.

Well actually, I think I know the real reason.

I don't know why I am struggling so much with Mikey. I look at Leo and Raph and both seem to be recovering nicely and more to the point, swiftly. They still have bouts of sadness but they bounce back quickly. They are ready to start the healing process. I don't understand my problem. This isn't like me. I'm usually the one who can keep it under control. I'm usually the one who bounces back. I mean it's been three weeks already and I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel worse.

I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I'm trying.

I push up from my bed and look at the clock. I've been in here for about three hours and I didn't get a single ounce of sleep. What if something happens to Mikey as I sleep?

I stand up and walk into the Lair. I freeze when I see Mikey. I did try to keep his moving around to a minimum but now that he has that crutch to help him he disregards what I tell him. Thankfully, he tends to keep to the couch. We haven't even tried to show him his room yet.

He is sitting straight up and his leg rests on the chair we put in front of him. His crutch lays beside him. He isn't doing anything; he's just staring into the darkness.

"Mikey? What are you doing up?"

He gasps and jumps; I mentally slap myself for startling him. Once he realizes it's just me his eyes change from fear to suspicion. His body is tense.

I move towards him slowly and sit down across from him. My heart pulls deeper into my chest. I hate the silence. There was a time I would crave peace and quiet but now I'd give anything to hear my boisterous brother again.

"Mikey, I know you don't want to talk about what happened and I understand that, but I have reason to believe you spoke during your captivity and…" he blinks, "and…"

I let out a small sigh, why do I bother asking questions? Why do I even bother trying to get anything out of him? I am always greeted with cold silence. I hate this so much; I just want my brother back. It's like he's dead in a different form. Leo and Splinter seem to be the only two he'll talk to. Raph keeps distance and me? Well I try and try and he just won't open up to me.

"You used to talk to me all the time you know." I mutter and he glances at me.

"Sometimes I could never get you to stop." A sad smirk pulls at my mouth. His face scrunches up like he's trying to remember but from the pained expression I know he doesn't.

"We would tease you about how annoying it was but we never meant." I continue.

He turns away and stares off into space again. I feel like I'm talking to myself but I guess that's okay. I like hearing my memories out loud, it almost makes all of this seem like a bad dream.

"I remember one time we were out getting some air, it was just you and me. We were on our way home when we were attacked by the Foot. We pulled through of course but I got seriously injured. I was bed ridden for a month and I thought I was going to tear the lair apart from going stir crazy. But you spent all of your free time with me. Just sitting next to me and talking. Sometimes I didn't even have anything to say back you just kept blabbering on. You kept me sane, you know."

I remember that Mikey clearly; the one who could talk until his voice strained, the one who would give up his time to comfort me, the one who would walk through hell for me, for any of us.

"I miss that, I miss you." I whisper and close my eyes. Maybe Raph's right. Maybe he's really lost and there is no way to help him. He won't be the same again; even if he gets better it won't be the same.

I hate this; I don't understand why this happened. We have always been threatened by the world. They're many people who want us dead or worse, dissected, but I never thought it would actually happen. I know it's irrational to think like that. Especially considering all the fights we have been in statistically one of us should be dead by now. Still, I ignored the possibility of actually losing one of my brothers and it blindsided me. I was so naive.

"I'm sorry." He croaks. I snap my eyes open taken back at first. Sorry? I try to form words but nothing comes out. I clear my throat and shake my head.

"It's not your fault." I eventually whisper.

He looks down and starts picking at the bandage covering up his forearm and hiding the cuts.

"They didn't want me to talk." He says. It surprises me that he's opening up but I don't say anything. I don't dare break the moment; I may not get this chance again.

"Sometimes I did anyways and got punished for it." He continues.

"With Red I only spoke when I was ordered to." His voice is blank and mechanical. He shows little emotion behind his words. It's the same voice that I've heard coming from me.

"With Blue I couldn't talk at all; even when asked a question."

I wait for more but he doesn't say anything else. He just turns his head looking somewhat unsure of what he told me. I wait for a couple minutes before I sallow hard. There's one color he left out.

"And with Purple?" I ask. Mikey gives me an enigmatic look like I should know what happened. His face is cold and it sends a shiver up my spin.

"I was too busy screaming."

* * *

(Leo)

It's warmer tonight. The last breaths of autumn are still clawing to stay alive through the whisper of the oncoming winter. We stand in front of the Asylum, the large doors looming over us. I put my hand on the door and look behind me.

"Are you sure you're okay with this Donnie?" I ask.

"Yes Leo, I'm fine."

I cringe a little; I've been asking him that too much but I can't help it. I know he isn't fine. He doesn't even look like he got any sleep. I glance over at Raph and he shrugs. I shake away my concern as best I can and push on the doors. I keep my eyes forward, towards the hallway I went through the last time, the main corridor.

We all stop when the halls start splitting into three ways.

"We should split up." Donnie says. I look over at him and open my mouth to disagree. I don't like the idea of us being alone in here. I trust my brothers but I don't trust this place, not one bit.

"We will cover more ground that way." He reasons and reaches into his bag. He pulls out headsets and flashlights and gives them to us. Raph huffs with amusement and smirks.

"Alright Mary Poppins, what else you got in the bag?"

Donnie almost smiles at that, a ghost smile. Raph turns and goes down the right hallway and I pick the one to the left. I stop to glance over my shoulder; Donnie is still standing and looking straight ahead. My stomach turns, this was a bad idea. I shouldn't have said anything to either of them. I shouldn't have let Raph talk me into this.

He steps forward and disappears down the front corridor. Come on Leo, he will be fine. I turn around and continue along.

Like before, most of the doors are still shut. As I walk down the hall I try to keep my senses open to the creaks around me. I feel like I'm being hunted by this building, the walls are watching me. It's an old abandoned asylum and I wonder how old it really is. It's coming apart; the walls are cracked and pealing and the roof is starting to cave in. I walk by one door and get an odd feeling. I tilt my light down and see a streak of dried blood dragging across the ground. I stop in front of it and my stomach drops. I follow the line to a closed off room.

I reach for the handle and take a deep breath. I pull on it and to my surprise it's unlocked.

I carefully walk in, a flashlight in one hand and a shurikan in the other. The first thing I notice are the blue walls.

It's a small, empty room with one light bulb hanging down. I walk up to the bulb and pull on the string. It's not a very bright light, it only illuminates the middle of the room, the corners are still in shadows. The line of dried blood stops in the middle, it's pooled into one big stain of red. I squat down, Mikey never seemed to move from this spot unless he was entering or leaving. I guess to be more accurate, when he was being dragged. My eyes follow the trail of blood towards the dimly light door. This room doesn't give me much answers but—

"Leo." Raph's voice startles me through the headset and I get to my feet instantly.

"You better get over here quickly."

"What is it? What's wrong?" I ask.

"It's Donnie, he—"

I run out of the blue room and down the hall, I knew this was a bad idea.

* * *

(Raph)

All three of us stand in front of the Asylum doors, glaring at the shithole. My hands tuck in close to my weapons, I'm itching to start tearing the place apart bit by bit.

Leo stands slightly in front of us; he puts a hand on the door and looks at Don over his shoulder.

"Are you sure you're okay with this Donnie?" He asks. I notice Donnie's mouth barely twitch but his eyes are still empty.

"Yes Leo, I'm fine." He manages to say without sounding annoyed. I don't know how. If it were me I'd have already snapped at him. He's trying to hide everything he's feeling. I sigh.

I look over at Leo and he looks back at me. We both don't believe him but there is no point in arguing. I shrug my shoulders and Leo pushes the door open. We follow him inside and walk towards the main hallway; to be honest this place gives me the creeps. Seriously these assholes couldn't have picked a spookier place.

"We should split up." Donnie says, "We will cover more ground that way." He reaches into the bag and pulls out headsets and flashlights.

"Alright Mary Poppins, what else you got in the bag?" I tease. A smile barely perks up his lips before I turn away from him. I click my flashlight on and pick the hallway to our right. I move down the eerie corridor, silently cursing every step. I hate this place. Truly loathe it.

I run the light over the walls. The paint is peeling away, probably from being ripped down by the many howls and horrors. Some graffiti tatter the walls but it doesn't surprise me. I mean, it is New York. Every door is shut closed, I try to open them but they all are locked. The room names and numbers beside them have been scratched off viciously.

I can't imagine what happened here, even before Mikey.

I stop at almost every door, turning the handles but none of them budge. I walk up to one and an odd twinge runs up my spine. I slowly reach for the handle and turn it, I hear a click. It's open. I grab one of my Sai out of instinct. I then push it open door and my flashlight lands on the walls first, walls painted red.

I straighten my shoulders and have to fight my feet to move.

A fire place is tucked into the wall straight in front of me; I kneel down and feel the ashes, I rub them between my fingers. Cold, no fires have been started here in a while. I shine my light on the ground and see a box of matches.

How convenient.

I open the damper and light the match; I hold it against the remaining wood until it catches. The fire explodes into a roar and I fall backwards. I look around the room again now that I have more light and a large desk sits towards the end of the room.

This is not what I was expecting. Maybe this is some kind of office? I glance up at the vibrant red walls, the shadow of flames dance across it widely.

I look at the opposite corner and my heart stops. I see cage, a cage large enough to fit a human, or my brother.

What the hell. Definitely not an office. Anger boils my blood and I stomp to my feet. I start to move towards the cage before the color of the floor catches my eye. It's also red but not by paint.

Blood. Dried blood.

It splatters all over the ground. Not all of this blood could be Mikey's. It can't be. I'm no Don but losing this much would kill him.

There's so much. I don't think—

A violent, angry shout muffles through the walls and I jump. Fear tingles my skin.

It sounded like, Donnie?

I burst out of the room and down the hallway, calling out his name.

* * *

(Donnie)

"Are you sure you're okay with this Donnie?" Leo asks me for the hundredth time. I choke down my annoyance.

"Yes Leo, I'm fine."

Leo and Raph give each other a strange look and it makes my jaw clench tight. They have been walking on eggshells around me and I'm getting rather sick of it. I'm not some emotional disaster waiting to explode. My emotions are in control. I can do this. It's not like I was the one who had been captured and tortured, I will be fine. It'd be illogical and vain if my emotions got in the way of this. I should be focusing on Mikey and how to make him better, not dwelling on myself.

Leo is still unsure of my answer but he pushes open the door and we follow him inside the building. The entrance actually looks nice and normal. Two twin staircase at the sides lead up towards the second floor and two large doors stand in between them, they lead into the main corridor. We push through the doors and they creak loudly. We stop when the hallways split off into three hallways.

"We should split up." I say breaking the eerie ghosts of silence. Leo glances over at me.

"We will cover more ground that way." I reach into my bag and grab headsets and flashlights and give them to Raph and Leo.

"Alright Mary Poppins, what else you got in the bag?" Raph smirks before adjusting his head set. I almost smile at his teasing. Raph picks the right corridor and Leo goes Left. I watch them slowly disappear into the dark with only their flashlights to leave their silhouettes dragging behind them. I look down the ling corridor in front of me.

A strange wave of doubt hits me. I don't want to move forwards. I scoff at my silliness.

I will be fine. I am not an emotional disaster waiting to happen. I can control myself.

I drag my feet slowly down the passage in front. I can do this. I am in control of my emotions. I can do this for Mikey.

I glance around at the walls. This place must have so much history. If it's anything like how asylums were back then, strange things must have happened here. Asylums weren't supposed to help the mentally insane, rather just to keep them locked up.

Not sure how but my feet stop at a door that's slightly ajar. I stare at it for what feels like forever. My stomach twists and my gut instincts tell me to open it. I slowly approach it and push it open. I expect it to be dark when I enter but a rather bright light shines in the middle of the room. A large machine sits in the corner and a table stands underneath the light. This must be were electroshock therapy was done on patients.

The walls in this room are purple. I take another deep breath and move towards the table that has brownish red stains on it. It's no doubt Mikey's dried blood.

I turn my head, too afraid to dwell what exactly happened here. As I turn my head I notice another table huddled towards the dark end of the room and I shine my flashlight on it; numerous of tools and weapons glint against the light. I knew it happened, with his injuries it had to, but I didn't want to believe it.

Torture.

I sallow hard. Well that makes sense.

_I was too busy screaming_

I reluctantly step closer and examine the tools. There's even a few syringes laying around. Every single device sends a shiver down my spine. They tortured him. Being here, in the same room Mikey suffered, it makes it all too real.

Oh Mikey…the pain he went through, the fear. They made him afraid.

No, they made him afraid of _me_.

I look up at the walls. They wanted him to feel pain when he saw me. They wanted...they wanted...

I grab a large metal device off the table and throw it as hard I can against the wall. It makes a loud clang before it slams to the ground. An unexpected shout explodes from my chest and I shove over the table. The tools and weapons clatter and fall to the ground. My emotions burst out from my throat. For once my heart is overriding my brain. There's just so much, anger. Is this what Raph feels like? My heart thunders against my chest, painfully on fire. My mind races with excess amounts of adrenaline and my skin shivers with raw emotion. I fall to my knees and let out a loud wail coming from the bottom of my stomach. Tears fall down my face.

Stop crying. I tell myself but I can't. I bite down, trying to stop this override of anger but it won't stop.

Stop crying. But I can't. What's happening to me?

"Stop crying!" I shout furiously and slam my fist into the ground. All I get in response is a sob escaping through my teeth. I can't control myself. I can't.

I'm only adding to the collection of cries that haunt this room.

**K well, yeah.**

**Sorry I suck at writing Splinter and I hope you liked this chapter...**

**Review please and thanks c:**


	13. Chapter 13: Emotion

**Hi there! It's been a little while! Sorry this took me longer than I expected! I randomly got busy :C**

**Thank you all who read/review/fave/follow c:**

**And a special thanks for the guest reviewers! I so wish I could reply to your comments personally!**

**Bear with me here, this one's a bit of a rollarcoaster. **

**Enjoy!**

_3 weeks since captivity_

(Mikey)

They have been gone for a while now. I know they went out but no one would tell me where. Wherever it was, I can tell Splinter is concerned. He hides it well but his absent-minded finger tapping gives him away. He sits near me with his eyes glued to the television. We are watching some kind of weird show that has a lot of excess emotions and strange music to make everything more dramatic than it really is. He told me they are called Soaps.

The television is interesting. Even though it seemed familiar I didn't recognize what it was at first. I've been staring at the black screen for days just wondering how I knew this object. Once Splinter explained it, I remembered it instantly. I felt dumb. Why couldn't I remember something as simple as TV?

I feel Splinter's eyes on me so I turn to look at him and sure enough he is staring. He does that a lot.

"You have a question?" He asks. Honestly this is just getting scary.

"How do you always know when I have a question?" I ask timidly. Can he read minds? Am I that see through? Does he—

"You make faces." He smiles warmly.

Oh.

He waits patiently with a soft grin; he is always so patient with me.

"Did I like to watch television?" I ask awkwardly

He glances at the screen for a second before resuming his warm gaze on me. A small chuckle rumbles from the back of his throat.

"Oh yes."

This perks my interest. I enjoy hearing about the old Mikey. I think I rather like him from the stories I've heard. It makes me sad I am no longer him.

"Did I watch Soaps like you?"

He pauses for a second with thought.

"No, but you enjoyed a wide variety of genres. You were often fond of those vile horror movies; I have never understood why young ones find being afraid thrilling." He says the last part more to himself than me but it still catches my attention.

"Afraid?"

"Yes. Horror flicks are intended to inflect fear." He explains.

I can feel the confusion working around my face.

"Why would people want to feel fear?" I ask incredulously. Splinter again takes a second to think about his answer.

"I guess because some people find it exciting."

Exciting? Exciting!? I growl and I can tell it surprises Splinter.

"Fear is not exciting." I bitterly snap. What kind of a sick joke is this? People want to be afraid for entertainment? It is not fun! I know what it is to be truly afraid.

Splinter puts a hand on my shoulder and his eyes are filled with a quiet sorrow.

"Your recent experiences with fear are not the same as horror flicks. You endured immensely traumatic events that most people will not go through in their entire life time."

I can hear the aching in his voice and his face draws together tightly. What happened to me hurts him but I don't understand why. It's my experiences not his. It's the same way with Donnie. When he talks to me I can just see the pain written across his face. I don't get it.

"Why does my experiences hurt you?" I ask.

He seems taken back by my question as if the answer should be obvious. He tilts his head and his sadness is replaced with something else, something warmer.

"Because you are my son."

I twitch at his response. If he notices he doesn't show it.

"There are different kinds of fear you can experience. For instance fear of what might happen. I have always been afraid of losing you and your brothers. It is something I have had dreaded since the first day I took you all into my care. And now, that fear has come true. We both know there is more than one way to lose someone."

I try to make sense of his words. I wish I wasn't lost. I wish I didn't cause him so much pain. I like Splinter but I hate the way his eyes look sad. He tries to hide his sorrow but he can't, I am an expert in pain.

"You are not the only one who is afraid my son." He whispers to me and for some reason that makes me feel better. It makes me feel less alone.

"It's not exciting." I mumble and look down at the bandages covering my arms.

"No, it is not." He agrees.

We don't say anything more on the subject.

* * *

(Donnie)

"Donnie!?" Donnie where the hell are you?" I hear Raphael shouting down the hall. His rough voice clouds with fear but I don't answer him. I don't know how. I really can't seem to speak at the moment; my lips are in lock-down. Tears still climb out of my eyes and down my cheeks, but it's quieter, it's slower.

I continue to breathe heavily trying to calm myself. I'm on my knees but I don't remember when I fell. I stare at the floor blankly, my thoughts racing in front of my eyes. How did this happen? This isn't like me. I couldn't stop myself, no matter how much I tired.

I feel his presence before I see him.

"Donnie? Don are you alright?" He moves quickly and steps in front of my hunched form. He squats down and shakes my shoulders. His voice is sharp with panic.

"Donatello answer me right now or I swear I'll—"

"I'm okay." I mutter weakly. Time skids to a halt and I slowly raise my head up to look at Raph, I watch his face twist into a disheveled expression. He is shocked and horrified. He glances back and forth between my eyes and I can see his heart breaking for me.

"Like hell you are." He mutters under his breath. He calls into Leo, telling him he better get over here now. Great. I don't know what's more embarrassing, the fact I exploded or the fact my brothers know about it. After he is done talking to Leo he switches his attention back to me.

"What happened? Why did you…" He looks around the room and sees the tipped over table surrounded by the puddle of torture tools. His mouth tightens and his eyes gleam with understanding. He knows what happened. Out of anyone he probably understands what I am going through the best.

"Does it always feel like this?" I mumble.

"What?"

"Rage." I try to explain. He stares at me with an odd expression.

"Have you never experienced rage before?"

"I don't know. If I have, it has never felt like this."

He sighs deeply. He wraps one arm over my shoulder and across the back of my neck. He then leans forwards to rest his head on my forehead. He closes his eyes.

"Yeah, it always feels like this."

I nod my head sadly. I can feel my hands still shaking from adrenaline.

"Come on." He says and stands up. He grabs onto my shoulders and practically heaves me up by himself. I get a light headed from the fallen tears. As I manage to straighten myself out Leo comes bursting in with a look that would make the devil himself cower in fear. His eyes burn darkly and both his Katanas' are on standby. He stops cold when he realizes we are both physically okay. Then he scans the Purple room. I can read what he sees just by the look on his face; first the blood, the table, and finally the sea of tools.

When his face snaps back to us I almost stumble backwards with the hot anger clouding his eyes.

"We are leaving. Now." He commands harshly and sheathes his Katanas.

"Leo I'm okay, I just—" I try to recover at least part of my remaining dignity.

"_Now."_ He hisses. I don't argue with him, neither does Raph.

* * *

(Mikey)

It's growing late but Splinter continues to stay up with me. We really haven't said anything else since our discussion about fear.

Maybe he's staying up because of me but I think it's because the rest of his sons aren't back yet. He looks tired. I should probably rest as well but sleep has become foreign to me. I don't want to sleep, not anymore. Not since the grueling nightmares veil my mind. I think they are memories coming back to life but these are memories I don't want to remember. My stomach grows uneasy just thinking about it.

I've been sitting down for way to long and my feet itch to move.

I struggle to stand up but I manage without Splinters help this time. Still, he watches me carefully. His shoulders are tense and ready to spring forward in case I need assistance. I lean heavily on my crutch and push my body. It hurts like hell to walk but nothing can stop me from moving around. Donnie hates it, he keeps telling me I should stay still but he doesn't understand. I've been captive for way to long and I finally have the freedom to go where I want to.

Splinter doesn't ask where I'm going and for that I am grateful. He understands more than any of the turtles do.

Originally I was going to trudge my way to the lab; it's familiar and comfortable there. But I catch myself staring down a hallway. They showed me all of the rooms in the lair, all but one. I can't stop thinking about what they are hiding from me in there. I hobble towards the mysterious room and stare coldly at the closed door.

I shouldn't go in, if they haven't shown it to me there has to be reason. What gives me the right to disobey them? Then again, they never told me I couldn't go in. They just ignored this room completely. Besides if they are keeping secrets from me I want to know.

I try to push open the door but it catches halfway on something. Huh, weird. I shove it as much as I can but it's hard. What is this? I manage it to crack it enough for me to slide through and so I walk into the darkness. The ground beneath me rolls forward. Uh oh.

It soars out from underneath me and I fall backwards on my shell. Sharp pains fire up my leg and I grit my teeth.

What was that? Traps? Tricks?

I reach out my hand to feel for my crutch but instead I knock into a bunch of objects. Gosh this room is a mine field! My fingers close around the crutch and I again struggle to stand myself up. It takes me a good five minutes.

A sense of dread overpowers my emotions. What's in here? I just started to trust them, I had just begun to hope.

A see a light that hangs overhead and I switch it on. It glares and takes a second for my eyes to adjust. When they do the first thing I see is a bed a couple feet off the ground. The covers are crooked and sliding halfway off the mattress. Several posters hang in awkward angles on the walls. Shoved in the corner is a bookshelf with random old and dirty looking items scattering across the panels. Strange books with colorful pictures slump in piles on the ground. Empty boxes and bags of food litter in random places. I look down at the thing that tripped me. A long bored of some kind with four wheels sticking out of it.

Why does this look so familiar?

Was this mine?

I don't, I can't remember.

A piece of fabric hangs off the bed post.

Oh my god.

My heart slams to a halt and I stumble into the wall. I feel my jaw drop open and everything else in the room disappears. I move slowly, hesitantly. I reach out with shaky fingers and grasp it. The fabric sends a chill through my fingertips. I hold it in my palm, the tails hanging down around my hand. Two large slits glare back at me. Dry blood and dirt cover it but it can't hide the color.

Orange.

I don't understand. I've never seen a mask this color. What does it mean?

If this is my room, does it mean this is my mask?

What does that mean? And why didn't they tell me?

I close my fingers around the mask.

* * *

(Raph)

"Leo would you slow down." I snap roughly. He's acting like a Lunatic. It's not like anything bad happened. I mean sure, Donnie blew a fuse but so what? We all knew it was coming.

"We're going home." He commands again. I roll my eyes.

"Yeah and guess what? We'll still get there even if we walk." I growl. Leo suddenly spins around and points at me.

"Don't get snippy with me."

Is he freaking serious?

"Oh I'm the snippy one? Ever heard of the pot calling the kettle black?" I snap. His eyes are still shining with fury.

"Raph, do not test me right now."

And I thought I was the dramatic one.

"We never should have come here. I was an idiot for letting you talk me into it." He grunts.

I was going to drop it but no, he had to say something else. Now I'm starting to get ticked.

"Are you serious? We just learned things that would have taken us months to learn from Mikey."

"That doesn't matter." He spits back.

"Guys-" Donnie mumbles.

"I should have gone with my instincts." He growls.

"Would you get your head out of your ass for one minute and listen to me?" I snarl.

"Listening to you is what got us in this mess in the first place." He retorts.

"Me? Hey aren't you the leader? Aren't you the one who makes the decisions here?" I point out angrily.

He squints his eyes at me and doesn't say anything in response. He shakes his head and turns away from me. My anger starts to dissipate as I watch him walk away. I realize that he isn't mad at Donnie or I, he's mad at himself. He's feeling guilty. It's all coming back to him, the guilt with Mikey and now the guilt with Donnie. That's why he's mad. He can't escape this feeling.

"That right. Take some damn responsibility." I snap smugly and go for the low blow. He looks over his shoulder slowly.

"Raph stop." Donnie warns quietly. I hold my hand up subtlety for only Donnie to see.

"What did you just say to me?" He speaks too calmly. That got him.

"Oh you want me to say it again?"

He turns around and starts to walk towards me.

"If you do I swear to god I'll-"

He stops short and bites down on his words. I get up in his face.

"You'll what?"

He doesn't back down and neither do I. His eyes are burning with anger. He wants to hit me, I can see it. He won't do it. He knows better, he's too controlled for it to come to that. Let it go Leo. Let it out.

"Do it." I grit between my teeth.

He doesn't say anything.

"Hit me!" I shout at him.

He doesn't do anything.

So I slap his face, lightly so it doesn't hurt. He clenches his teeth so hard I can almost hear them grinding together. His face is pinched tightly and his arms are glued to his sides. I slap his face again, to be annoying. He closes his eyes and starts to breath heavier, trying to keep his cool.

Oh for goodness sakes. I shove him hard and he takes a step back to stable himself. Almost out of instinct, he throws his arm back. There it is, I see it coming but I don't block it. I let him punch me. He catches my cheekbone and my head moves from the force.

It goes still and quiet. Only the ambiance from the city breaks the silence. Leo blinks a few times, surprised with himself. Donnie looks back and forth between us. I reach up and rub my cheekbone.

"Raph I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you." He quickly apologizes, he looks horrified by his actions.

"Yes you should've." I smile and it hurts, I can already feel a bruise forming. "Well at least I know you love me."

"Hows that?" He asks.

"You pulled your punch." I grin.

* * *

(Leo)

I can't believe I gave into it. I can't believe I hit him. I knew it's what he wanted, he wanted me to take everything out on him. I just don't understand why. He could have have let me cool off on my own. Who'd have thought Raph would be the coolest head in this situation?

I don't even know why I was so incredibly angry. I guess I was just scared. I didn't want anything to happen to Donnie, not on my watch. I didn't want anything to happen to Mikey either but I couldn't save him. I can't help but feel guilty. Even when I tell myself I am being ridiculous, even when I remind myself that some things are out of my control. It just won't stop. It's in the back of mind, reminding me I'm a failure as a leader. As a brother.

Even though I know it's not true, it can't stop thinking it.

This night has been long and exhausting. I can't wait to go to bed.

As we enter the lair Donnie immediately disappears into his lab, he's embarrassed. Someone should probably talk to him and make sure he's really is okay. I start to walk towards the lab but a heavy hand grabs my shoulder.

"I'll do it. You go check on Mikey." Raph says and nods towards the couch. He's not there.

Where is Mikey?

I look in the kitchen but he isn't there either. I search all over the lair, growing a more and more uneasy. Splinter isn't around either and I figure he went to sleep. I thought he was going to watch Mikey tonight while we were out.

Sensei keeps telling me to trust him; he keeps telling me to let Mikey do things for himself. I understand but it's so hard to watch Mikey struggle. I don't get it, it's painful for him to walk but he continues to move around. I guess if it were me I'd refuse to stay put too.

I go down the hallway that connects to our rooms and I see a light shining from an open door, Mikey's door.

Oh no.

I walk up to it and look inside. Mikey is standing there with his shell facing me. His attention is on something in his hands.

"Mikey?"

He doesn't turn around or acknowledge me. I walk up to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Mikey…you okay?"

He jerks away from me rather violently but doesn't look up at me. I lean over and look at what he is staring at, his mask. I knew this was going to happen eventually but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

"Why didn't you tell me?" his voice is low and scratchy.

"We didn't know if you would be able to handle it." I tell him honestly.

"Am I one of them?"

"No. They are bad people who took our identities." I state.

"Then what does this mean?" He asks harshly and holds up his mask. There's still blood soaked in the fabric from when we found it. I take it out of his hands carefully and glance it.

"This is just a mask. We all wear them, each of us has a different color, blue, red, purple, and orange." I wrap my fingers around his mask. "The people who took you, they did this to terrorize you. They stole our identities and they used us against you."

He shakes his head.

"The colors mean something, they all do." He says like he's so sure of it. He isn't ready for this. It will only confuse him more. No matter what I tell him he won't believe it, the colors are still deeply rooted in his brain.

"They used to be us. They used to be good." I sigh.

He down at the ground. His eyes are heavy and for a second I think he's going to cry. He doesn't.

"I don't understand."

I slowly grab his hand and place his mask in his palm. I then fold his fingers over so they wrap around the orange fabric.

"You will." I state confidently, "One day, you will."

He shrugs.

"How do you know? What if I will always be…lost?"

I smile slightly when a memory comes to mind.

"I remember once when we were little. Father finally allowed us to scavenge around the sewers by ourselves. To be honest he didn't have much of a choice, we would have left if he said so or not. We were about to leave the lair when Splinter grabbed me and pulled me close. He was very serious; at that time in our lives Splinter was only serious when we were in trouble. Which was often of course."

I pause and notice Mikey is finally looking at me. He likes listening to old stories.

"I remember he told me 'Keep both eyes on Michelangelo, he tends to run off if you do not watch him at all times.' So we went out into the sewers and for a while it was great. It was nice to be by ourselves. We thought we were so grown up then. Raph started picking on Donnie a little which wasn't unusual. Donnie ignored him for a while but eventually started to get fed up. He started to retort back to Raph's teasing and they ended up fighting. I jumped in between them and tried to cool things down, which I probably only made things worse. But then I realized you weren't there anymore. When I told Raph and Donnie they both stopped instantly and we were all terrified. I was so mad at myself, I knew Splinter told me I couldn't turn my back on you for a second but I did. We started to search for you; we spent hours and hours looking. Eventually we knew we couldn't do it on our own. We knew we needed Splinters help. I was so scared to face Splinter and tell him that we lost you. Of course Raph and Donnie pushed me forward when he asked us what was the matter and I told him."

I can't help my growing smile.

"He gave us an odd look and said 'Perhaps you should look behind you.' We turned around and there you were, standing there with an innocent little look on your face. I still honestly don't know how you did that; it's always been one of life's greatest mysterious."

He soaks in my story and looks at the ground again. I sigh.

"My point is you're never truly lost. I don't know how but you always find your way back."

I see his lips perk up into what I swear was an almost smile. The first time such an emotion even threatened to appear on his face since we brought him home.

But the moment doesn't last as long as I wish it would. He frowns again and curiosity twists his face.

"What's that?" He looks over at the bookshelf.

"What's what?"

He hobbles towards the shelf reaches out a grabs a picture frame.

I gasp. It's the picture we took a year ago. All of us gathering around Splinter, April and Casey including. That and _our masks_.

"Mikey don't look at that." I step towards him. I can see his face drip with confusion. He looks like he is in pain. He tears his eyes away with a whimper.

"No." He whispers and his eyes snap open. He glares so hard at the picture that I half wonder if it will catch fire. I see his hands shaking aggressively.

I reach out to take it away from him but he turns away before I can grab it. He is mesmerized. He drops the picture with a scream and covers his ears.

"MIKEY!" I leap forwards.

"Get out! GET OUT!" He shouts. He isn't talking to me; at least I hope he isn't. He falls to the ground and I kneel down next to him.

"Mikey its okay! Mikey! Listen to me!"

"Scream.

Pain.

Fear."

He repeats over and over again. It doesn't even sound like him. What do I do?

"Mikey!?" I shout but it's no use, he can't hear me. It's like he's in a trance. His words are like bullets through my heart. I can't stop this; I just have to let it run his course.

"Scream.

Pain.

Fear."

Oh god.

"He-help me." He whispers.

I can't. I can't help. There's nothing I can do. But that won't stop me from trying.

"Mikey listen to me, it's Leo. You are safe. There is no pain, there is no fear. I'm right here Mikey. Come on listen to my voice."

I hear myself growing frantic and loud, trying to talk over his ranting. I hear footsteps burst in behind me.

"Mikey please!"

Donnie kneels next to him on the other side with a sedative ready. I feel Splinter fall down beside me and he holds out a hand to Donnie.

"Wait. Leonardo keep talking to your brother."

So I do. I repeat myself over and over again.

I hear Raph mumble over my shoulder, "Come on Mikey."

"Mikey its okay. You're with your family, you're safe. Please." I plead and pray.

His rantings slowly grow quiet and stop. He freezes completely, he doesn't even blink. We all hold on to our hope, thinking we got him to calm down. It's silent for a short second before an ear splitting scream tears from his lungs.

Donnie shoves the sedative in his arm.

* * *

(Donnie)

Wow what a night. Maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep. Strangely enough, I do feel better. Still, I would have preferred another solution than losing my mind. I tap my fingers against the table. It's embarrassing. I keep replaying what happened in my head. It was all so dramatic and irrational. It just wasn't me.

The door squeaks open and I turn to look who it is.

"Hey." Raph says.

"Hey."

It's quiet. He wants to say something but he doesn't know how to.

"Your cheek okay?" I ask. I can already see it bruising a little.

"I'll be fine."

I continue to tap my fingers against my desk. I glance at Raph and he just stands there silently. He's staring at me.

"Why'd you push him?" I ask in reference to goading Leo. He would have cooled off eventually, he just needed time.

"Sometimes, it's just better to let it out." Raph shrugs and leans against my table.

"Is that an answer to my question, or are you trying to tell me something?"

"Both."

It gets quiet again.

"Raph I said I'm okay."

"I believe you."

"Oh." I mutter.

"At least I believe you are now."

I frown and turn away. I start to play with a wire sticking out from one of my unfinished inventions. I sigh and do my best to ignore him.

"What happened is okay Donnie."

"Raph. Do we have to talk about this now?"

"It's okay to blow up once in a while." He ignores and continues to speak.

"Maybe for you, you blow up every other day." I mutter.

"Watch it now." He growls.

"I didn't mean it like that." I say apologetically. "I just mean that it happens to you, it doesn't happen to me. I have never been that angry, I've never not been able to control myself. It just doesn't happen."

It's true. Raph has a well-known temper. I do not. I don't just let out my emotions when I feel them. To be honest they are never so powerful enough to take over.

"Look I ain't really good at giving out words of wisdom, but just because it doesn't happen often doesn't mean it can't. Sometimes it's healthy to let out what you feel." He advises. "Even if it's unreasonable."

I don't know if I agree with him but I know he's trying to make me feel better. Raph has been the unspoken hero of today. Funny how calm he's being through all of this. For once, we needed to let our emotions instead of repress them. I appreciate it more than he knows.

"Thank you, Raph."

"You're welcome."

"No really. Back at the asylum with me, and with Leo, we're both thankful."

He smiles and cocks his head to the side.

"Well, you see Donnie, you might know a lot more than me about most things, but one thing I do know is powerful emotions. Splinter and I have been working on controlling mine for years."

"You know Raph, you're rather a sensitive guy at heart." I point out. I grin mischievously.

"Alright alright, maybe I am, but don't tell anyone." He grumbles.

I chuckle and he smirks.

An astounding shriek makes both Raph and I jump. We look at each other with wide eyes. Raph bolts from the lab and I leap up from my chair to follow. I just take a moment to grab my sedative.

**Alright well. I'll try to get my next one soon but no promises!**

**Review please and thanks c:**


	14. Chapter 14: Progress?

**h Hi! Does anyone still remember what the heck is happening? I sure don't because it's been forever. Ha I tease but still it's been a while and sorry about that. Everyone's been busy! Also this took me at least ten years to write. **

**Also reminder that this is 2003/2007 movie version. Either would work really. **

**Enjoy!**

_3 weeks since captivity _

_"What's that?"_

_My eyes zoom in on a picture sitting on the middle panel of the book shelf. I waddle towards it and ignore the complaints from my leg._

_"What's what?" Leo inquires cautiously._

_I grab the frame with one hand and the first thing I notice is Splinter standing next to two strangers; a red headed girl and a long haired man. My eyes skim across their faces without a hint of recognition but when I reach my brothers I freeze._

_Oh no. God no._

_It's the colors. All of them._

_Purple._

_Blue._

_Red._

_"Mikey don't look at that." I hear Leo stagger towards me but it's too late. I try to close my eyes. I try to look at anything but the colors. I shake my head painfully._

_"No."_

_I won't let them take over. I can't, not after doing so well these couple past weeks. I have to keep them out of my mind. I have to fight this. I am free; I am no longer controlled by the colors. I can do this. I am in control of my own emotions. Aren't I?_

_I haven't seen them in weeks and I'm confused. Maybe I need them in my life. Maybe I can't live without them, I don't know how. Maybe just one peek. That's all I need to feel complete again._

_My eyes snap open and I zoom in on the first color I see._

_Purple._

_His laughter flits across the room and the fear plunges deep into my skin and pinches my muscles. I see the picture frame quaking from my shaking hands. Suddenly Purple jumps out of the picture and wraps around my eyes. I gasp in surprise as it snakes around my head. I hear the vile hissing in my ears._

_'I've missed my play thing.'_

_I scream at the sound of his voice and cover my ears. No! This can't be possible!_

_He's here._

_'Life is so boring without you. I have no one to try out my new toys with me.'_

_"Get out! GET OUT!" I shriek. I fall to the ground and thrash around. Get out of my brain! I dig my fingers into the sides of my head trying to rip him from my mind. I am in control. My emotions, my pain._

_'But don't you miss me? Don't you remember how much fun we had together?'_

_My life. My mind._

_'Do I have to remind you?_

_Scream._

_Pain._

_Fear.'_

_No. Stop it. My life. My mind._

_'Come on, say them with me.'_

_I won't! I am free, I am free of you._

_His bitter laughter drills into my brain._

_'You will never be free of me.'_

_The Purple moves away from my eyes and slithers down my body. It squeezes painfully sending sharp fear up my spin. My lungs tighten and I struggle to breathe. My mouth starts moving without my control and the words ram against my ears._

_"Scream._

_Pain._

_Fear."_

_He repeats those words over and over and over. I hear my own voice saying it with him but it isn't me, it can't be. It's him! He's making me say it. He's forcing my mouth to move._

_Please, leave me alone! Stop this!_

_Stop this! _

_'Oh it's just like old times!'_

_He cackles._

_"He-help me." I croak out between the ranting. I can't control my own words._

_"Scream._

_Pain._

_Fear."_

_Someone please, HELP ME. I'm being suffocated in my own mind. It's a game of control and I am losing._

_"Mikey…"_

_Is something there? Please someone help me!_

_"You ….no…fear…Listen…"_

_Listen, I try to but I can't. Nothing can beat the pounding words against my brain._

_"Mikey…Please." I finally manage to hear through my chanting._

_"—with your family…Please."_

_I think I recognize the voice._

_L—Leo?_

_I growl and shake my head. It gives me a new hope, a new chance to fight. Leo is here with me. My family is here._

_I start to shove Purple out of my mind again but he continues to fight back violently. He is so much stronger than I am._

_This is my body. This is my brain. I grit my teeth together and feel my fingers digging into my head. I push Purple out as much as I can; stuffing him back into the picture he jumped out of. A shiver runs down my spine and I suck in a large breath. My rants suddenly shut down and I freeze._

_Is it over? Did I…did I win? I search for Purple, praying he left for good. But as soon as I think he's gone a storm of fear floods every ounce of my being, attacking and scratching my mind._

_'I am never truly gone'_

_I can't help it. I scream until the whole world goes dark._

* * *

(Leo)

I see Mikey as soon as I open the door to the lab. He is incredibly peaceful now that he's asleep. Last night was only the second time I have seen his reaction to the colors. The good news is that this time I could tell he was trying to fight it. Except I'm afraid that that old adage, it's only going to get worse before it gets better, applies to our situation.

All I know is that we should be acting faster. His reactions are so dramatic, he can't go his life living like this.

Donnie leans against his desk and holds a pair of pliers. His squinting eyes create a thoughtful expression as he gazes at the tool in his hand. He doesn't acknowledge me but he's paying attention nevertheless. I stand right next to him and he slowly puts the tool down. He still doesn't look at me.

"He isn't improving." I say. I wince at the sound of my own voice, it seems like I am blaming him. Luckily he doesn't take it that way.

"I know." He responds bluntly.

"We need to start counter acting his conditioning."

"I know."

My concern comes smashing back like a monsoon. He looks like he actually got some sleep last night. I think we all did from the day we had yesterday. Raph told me Donnie was perfectly fine after his talk with him. Is Donnie still trying to hide his feelings? Something is obviously on his mind. I proceed with caution.

"I think it would be best if we start with Purple."

Donnie doesn't say anything but I notice him slightly shift. Something is definitely wrong. I clear my throat.

"Is that okay with you?"

"Of course, it's the most practical step." He says.

"That's not what I…" I start but he cuts me off.

"Out of the three colors in the picture he immediately picked out Purple. Not only that but it seems to be his most violent reaction and it is the one color we know the most about. It makes sense we should start with Purple."

"Donnie…"

He finally turns and looks at me, I am expecting to see sad and lost eyes but I don't. Instead they are soft and light-hearted.

"Leo I'm fine." He chuckles faintly. "If I seem distant it's because I'm trying to work out a technical problem."

"Technical problem?"

"Yup," He gestures to his computer next to him, "it decided to crash on me."

"Oh."

Well now I feel stupid. I rub my neck compulsively. I can't help but feel like I should be suspicious.

"So you are okay?" I hate myself a little for asking again. If it were Raph he would bite my head off for asking too much but Donnie just gives me a reassuring smile.

"After finally falling asleep last night, I feel like myself again."

I nod my head.

"I'm glad. Mikey needs all of us to be emotionally stable."

"Better tell Raph that." Don teases and I give him a small grin. Ironically, Raph seemed like the only emotionally stable one.

"I'd be careful if I were you; if he heard you say that he'll make sure your computer has a technical problem forever."

"What are you two gossiping about?" We jump at the sound of his voice.

"Nothing." We both say.

He looks suspicious.

"It better be nothin'." He mumbles under his breath. "We have a surprise guest asking for you." He informs us.

Donnie smiles instantly and shares a look with me and I match his grin.

April.

Donnie follows Raph out of the lab. I take a step forwards but freeze when I feel something strange. I look back over at Mikey, he's still sleeping. I shrug and then exit the lab. A red haired woman stands in the middle of the lair with a brown bag on her hip. Her hair pulls into a high pony tail on top of her head and she picks fuzz off her shirt. When she sees me her face explodes into a smile. She shoves the bag into Donnie, he gasps in surprise.

"Leo!" She exclaims and wraps her arms around me. I chuckle and return the hug.

* * *

(Mikey)

When I wake up, I realize I'm in the lab again. I am getting a little sick ending up in here.

I turn my head to find Donnie leaning against a desk and toying with a pair of pliers. I watch him for a while just playing with the tool. He looks lost in thought as he absentmindedly opens and closes it. It's a quiet side of Donnie that I sometimes catch. He can be quite playful at times.

A glass of water sits on a table close to me and I am suddenly aware of how sore my throat is. A feeling of disappointment slams into me. I remember what happened. I always have this feeling of shame and nausea after seeing a color. I forgot how much it hurts to be in their presence.

I don't know how to get them out of my head; I don't know if I can. I reach for the glass and take a sip of cold water. The liquid feels good running down my hoarse throat.

I lay back down suddenly feeling exhausted. I just woke up but I still feel tired, it's been a long three weeks. I don't want to sleep anymore, but I'm so tired. I close my eyes for a second but open them again when I hear the door. Leo saunters in.

Donnie doesn't really look at him as he walks over. However he does put his pliers down and they speak in hushed tones. I strain my ears to hear them but I can't.

I give up halfway through the conversation and my mind blanks. I stare at the ceiling above. I hate the fact that I share similarities with the ceiling, we both are cracked. It's wonder that it still holds on and survives.

"What are you two gossiping about?" Raph's voice startles me.

"Nothing." Leo and Donnie both say.

"Better be nothin'." He mumbles. "We have a surprise guest asking for you."

Donnie and Leo are happy about to hear this and they both grow huge smiles. Donnie rushes out of the room. Leo is about to follow them when he tilts his head to the side and freezes. I turn my head quickly and close my eyes. I pretend to be asleep. I wait until I hear the door close. I look back over to find myself alone.

Who's this guest? They are definitely pleased to see them whoever it is. I swing my legs over the edge of the cot to get up but I hesitate for a moment.

Maybe I should just stay in here.

Last time I got curious it came back to bite me in the shell.

I carefully get up. My leg threatens to give out but I just push more weight onto my crutch. I move to the door and hesitate to open it.

I really should just get back in the cot and take a nap…

Okay one small peek and then I'll lay back down.

I carefully open the door just enough to peek through the crack. I hear their excited voices before I see them.

All of my brothers are hovering around a woman with flame colored hair. She hands Donnie a large brown bag and wraps her arms around Leo. Leo looks surprised at first but he quickly returns the affection.

I study the woman hard. She is about the same height as my brothers, maybe a little taller. Two curls fall helplessly out of her pony tail and around her face. Her smile could give the sun a run for its money and her eyes are a lovely shade of blue green. She is very pretty but I have a strong suspicion that she has a personality that could chew a man up and spit him back out. She seems so familiar, I know her… or at least I did at one point.

"Oh it's the least I could do! I wish I could do more." I hear her say and I snap out of my trance. I scold myself for not paying attention. "Speaking of, how is he doing?"

"Better I think." Donnie responds optimistically.

"Depends on your definition of better." Raph grunts.

"I see improvements every day Raph." Donnie interjects.

I don't hear Raph's response. Instead I gasp as a whisper of a name runs through my mind.

I open the door wider and I slowly move out of the lab. They are lost in conversation and it takes them a while to notice me. I hear Leo cut off his sentence as all eyes snap towards me. I don't care; I can only see the red head in front of me. I walk up to her feeling rather unsure of myself and my mind. Her lips are parted slightly and her eyes are wide and confused.

I stop in front of her and we end up staring at each other for what feels like forever. She is frozen in place and so am I.

The name feels right. I don't know how I know it, I just do.

"A—April?"

* * *

(Raph)

My heart stops when I see Mikey. I didn't notice him coming out of the lab but all of a sudden here he is. April is practically catatonic. The others and I are just as surprised as she is.

We have no idea how he will react to April. Who knows, he might not react at all. If I'm honest I am curious.

Mikey moves slowly, limping along with his crutch getting closer and closer to her. Her mouth is open and her eyes are full of panic. Her body is tense and it almost looks like she's about to faint. Which I never thought was possible.

He hesitantly stops in front of her, his eyes lingering on her face. His face twists with uncertainty.

"A—April?" He whispers.

I feel my own mouth drop open and excitement pounds my heart.

I step forwards but April is quicker. She lets out a nervous giggle and wraps her arms around him gently. I see a couple tears run down her face. Tears of joy no doubt. He looks extremely uncomfortable but he doesn't push her away. She must notice his discomfort because she instantly retreats back but a smile still burns on her face.

"Mikey, you remember her?" Donnie asks excitedly.

"A-a little, not much."

April's joyful demeanor dims but she manages to keep her blooming smile.

"Well I'm glad you remember anything at all."

A rush of hope surges through me. For the first time since Mikey has been home I actually feel like he could come back to us. There's a chance. "Oh Mikey I'm so happy! You're finally home and now I've seen you with my own eyes! And I can't wait to tell Casey that I saw you and that you even remembered—"

"Casey?" He asks interrupting her excitement.

April pauses for a second and looks at Mikey.

"He's a friend of the family, like me." She explains.

"Was he the one in the picture?"

"You remember seeing them?" Leo inquires with astonishment.

Mikey nods. He still looks uncomfortable and I wish I could somehow make him feel more at ease. Unfortunately I have no clue how to.

"Before Purple came. I remember everything that happened."

Donnie's face scrunches into thought.

"Mikey, I don't want to push anything but why was Purple the one you reacted to? All three colors were present in the picture."

The question seems to surprise Mikey. He matches Donnie's thinking face and I almost laugh at the two squinting into space. Maybe Mikey's been watching Donnie too much. He's starting to imitate him.

"I always see them in a certain order." He whispers and looks around like he's paranoid. "Purple, Blue, and then Red."

"Why?" I ask. What does order have anything to do with it?

"I-I don't know."

It becomes awkwardly silent. I can't tell if it's because everyone is lost in thought or lost in memories. I dislike talking about what happened to him but I know it's crucial to getting him back. It just reminds me of how much I'd like to meet these bastards.

"Let's not talk about that for right now. I think it's time for a celebratory breakfast." April says cheerfully breaking the silence.

"Celebrating what?" I ask bitterly.

"Mikey of course! It's been way too glum around here and I plan to change that."

"April you don't have to—"

"Yes I do and don't try to talk me out of this Donatello." She shuts him down. He just grins and shrugs his shoulders. Smart turtle, unlike me.

"Leave it up to April to force happiness." I mumble to Leo.

"I heard that Raphael and just for that you get to help me make it."

I groan and glance at Leo. He's trying not to smile but has little success. I glare at him and it doesn't have any affect.

Ugh I hate cooking. I'm not much of a make things kind of guy unless it has an engine. Plus I won't even get to do the fun kitchen stuff. She's probably going to make me stir things, I hate stirring things. It's so boring and when I can stop?

She grabs my arm and her brown bag and practically drags me into the kitchen.

* * *

(Mikey)

Donnie's trying to hide the fact that he's watching me pick at my food but he's way too obvious. He has been very tenacious about how and what I eat. I don't know why. The colors would throw me slop from time to time and I was so hungry I didn't even care what it was. Now I can only eat certain things and I have to be sure to have enough but not _too_ much. It's somewhat annoying. Just let a guy eat.

We are having a 'celebratory breakfast' as April calls it. The others are absolutely delighted by her company and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like her myself. I really don't remember her as much as they believe I do but I can tell I was rather fond of her. I knew that instantly when I saw her. She has a pleasant aura about her. Even Splinter sitting at the other end of the table is having a good time.

I'm not terribly hungry right now so I shove my food around my plate. They all are in too deep a conversation to notice. Well all except Donnie. The guy watches me like a hawk. He keeps nodding down at my food and giving me stern looks. I glare at him.

Apparently it's normal to eat as a family. It's another custom I forgot about. I take a little bite to appease Donnie and then I listen to the conversation around me.

I like to watch my brothers as I speak, I find them interesting. I see many similarities between them and the colors. I'm not sure if I should take comfort in that or if it scares the hell out of me.

Leo is has a lot of qualities that remind me of Blue, he's bit more refined and reserved. But he has a lot of Red in him too. For instance he takes on a leadership role between the brothers. When Splinter is not in the room it's obvious he is the one who gives orders. Red was the boss out of the colors, he expected his commands to be obeyed as does Leo.

Donnie closely resembles Purple with his exceptional intellect. I can see the same gleam of sharp brilliance in his eyes. However his temperament is vastly different. He doesn't hold himself higher because of his high IQ. He is also very kind and compassionate, when he checks on my wounds his touch is light and careful not to hurt me.

Raph is a little different. I see a lot of Red in him but he isn't in command. Raph's temper fluctuates like Red and he's a bit rougher than the other two. But it's obvious he wouldn't hurt me.

It's interesting and it's terrifying.

Their sudden laughter shoves me out of thought and I snap my attention back to them. Splinter chuckles quietly and takes a sip of his tea. His eyes fall over the rim of his cup and meet mine. He winks at me subtly and I twitch at such an action. They are all very affection towards me.

Except for Raph.

He's rather distant with me. The other two ask questions and pry into my memories. Leo and Donnie spend more time around me and have been increasingly affectionate. When Raph talks to me, he's kind but he is keeping a strong wall between us. I don't know if he's always been like this or if it's because I'm not Michelangelo anymore.

Whichever it is, it twists my stomach. I want to be closer to all of them.

"Are we really brothers?" I hear myself ask out loud. Their conversation stops mid-sentence and all eyes zoom in on me. I feel the pinch of embarrassment. I look down at my food. I didn't mean to say it so loudly.

"Of course." Leo responds first.

"How do you know?" I ask again.

"We are the same species and we share similar genes. We were all hatchlings together when we were just normal turtles." Donnie explains.

"So are we all the same age?"

"Eh yes, the time difference between each of us is small. A few minutes maybe."

"How did we get like…this?" I gesture to myself. I've always wanted to know why I'm different. I remember every time Blue would call me freak and I would shudder. Why am I a freak?

They all look to Splinter with small smiles on their faces.

"18 years ago, I was just an ordinary pet rat…"

I listen closely to the story, loving every second of hearing about my history; the mutation, how I got my name, the feud of Oroku Saki. But as much as I love it I also hate it. I can't help but feeling I'm listening to someone else's past instead of mine. They are talking about Michelangelo and his family, not me. I envy him, why can't I be him?

Why do I have the feeling that Michelangelo is dead?

* * *

(Donnie)

April went home. She promised us all that she would be back tomorrow and she asked if she could bring Casey. I was hesitant to say yes but Mikey took so well to April that I decided it should be fine. Tonight, so far, has been completely opposite to last night. Things are finally starting to look up and feel like progress.

Mikey is getting better by the day, I know it. I can see it even if Raph can't. Raph's just stuck thinking Mikey won't ever be the same.

But this great day may turn the other way real quickly. Leo, Raph, and I made the decision to start counter acting the conditioning. We first have to explain things to him, I hope he understands why we have to do this. We find him sitting on the floor in the middle of the lair, not really doing anything just staring. He does that a lot, he looks at everything intensely. He watches the three of us approaching him and I can tell he knows something is up.

"Hey Mikey, how you doing?" I ask. He looks at all of us with hesitance.

"Is everything okay?" He wonders.

"Everything's fine." Leo soothes his worries. "We have to talk to you about something."

He stares at us and it gets quiet. Raph and I look at Leo, waiting for him to explain.

"Do you remember our conversation about the masks last night? Before you saw Purple?"

Mikey nods hesitantly.

"Well the masks, they don't mean what you think they mean. The colors manipulated you into thinking these awful things about us but we think we can change that."

Leo looks at me to take over. I step forwards and kneel down next to him. He draws away from me a little.

"We are going to have to bring out our masks and we will show you that they aren't what you think."

His mouth thins and his eyes darken.

"It's the only way you are going to get better. We can help you Mikey, you just have to trust us. Can you do that?" I ask.

He nods again and I give him a warm smile.

I'm usually not one to doubt myself but God I hope this works.

* * *

(Mikey)

"Are you ready?" Leo asks as he squats down next to me. I nod my head yes and he helps me to stand up. They told me what they are going to do but I am already afraid. They explained that the colors used the masks to manipulate me and that they think they can change that. But they don't get it, I can't control the colors. Purple is not just a mask, he's inside my head. He's a part of me now and I don't know if I'll be able to get rid of him.

But for them I'll try.

Raph stands further back from us and has something in his hand that I can't see. His muscles are tense and he looks ready to leap into action if needed.

Donnie stands a couple feet in front of me.

"You trust me right?" Donnie asks softly. I can't find my own voice so I just nod instead.

"I won't hurt you." He assures me.

I nod my head but I gulp down my anticipation. He takes a deep breath and slowly takes out his purple mask.

My stomach turns at the sight of it and I am instantly glued to the color. He puts it on and ties it around his head.

My brain races and my throat compels me to scream.

Fear.

No. Don't give in.

"It's me Mikey, its Donnie."

Scream.

I whimper and Leo leans in closer to me.

"It's okay, he won't hurt you." Leo says.

Purple takes a step towards me. I try to take one back but Leo holds me in place. I start to panic.

"He won't hurt you. You don't have to fear him." Leo whispers in my ear.

It's Donnie.

It's my brother.

I just saw him. I just saw him put the mask on.

But the color gouges my brain and tingles my lungs. I'm supposed to be screaming.

He takes another step forwards and my heart races. He's going to hurt me. It's Purple.

Pain.

"No!" I exclaim fearfully. Purple stops walking towards me. He freezes in place.

"I am not going to hurt you." He says again.

That doesn't make sense. He is Purple. He has to hurt me. He's lying!

Shivers of fear ripple down my spine. I try to close my eyes but I am unsuccessful. Get away from me. I can hear his laughter echoing in my brain. He's coming and I can't escape him. I can't breathe.

"Keep coming Donnie." I hear Leo command. Where is Donnie? I notice Raph growing increasingly uncomfortable.

"Leo…"I hear Purple say.

"Come on." He says again.

"You're pushing too hard." Purple declares.

Leo shifts next to me.

Fear.

Purple takes one step closer with one hand stretched out and my brain explodes with adrenaline.

"Don't touch me!" I spit out harshly. He puts his hands up in the air and takes a step back.

"I won't, I won't touch you." He says.

I don't believe him. He's lying.

"Mikey I will never hurt you. Ever."

He's lying. He's Purple.

Fear.

Scream.

Pain.

"It's Donnie, Mikey." Leo whispers in my ear.

No it's not, it's Purple.

**Well that's all I got for now! C: Sorry about my busy schedule D: Till next time!**

**Don't forget to review!**


	15. Chapter 15: It's Been A Few Weeks

**Enjoy :)**

_A month since Captivity_

It's_ been a few weeks since I've been captured and I have only one question. Where are my brothers?_

_I am constantly waiting for the opportunity to escape but I always end up devastated and weary. Each day becomes harder and harder to hold onto hope. I need my brothers. I know they are looking for me, I can feel it. But what if they don't find me fast enough? What will happen to me? I have to keep holding on, I have to keep fighting._

_I'm just, I'm so scared. _

_Something doesn't seem right with these people, and I mean besides the fact they're turtlenapping egotistical manics. They are doing something strange. It's like some kind of psychological torture. Despite the fact they hurt me, they wear masks, the same ones my brothers wear. I don't know what they are trying to do but it's obvious they are mimicking my family. _

_Purple, blue and red._

_I need to get out of here. The constant battle for strength doesn't come without its consequences. It's so hard to stay strong when I just want to quit. _

_Today they have brought me to a new room. It's small, poorly lit, and painted blue. Chains connecting to the ground are wrapped around my arms and legs, keeping me in the middle. The cuffs around my wrist and ankles are painfully tight and my skin is growing raw from the twisting and tugging. A man hides in the shadows so I can only see the outline of his body. That and the occasional glaring glint of blue surrounding his eyes._

_In one of my chained hands is a sharp knife._

_Why my captors are giving me weapons is beyond me. You'd think that that be in the What Not To Give The Prisoner handbook but hey I'm not complaining._

_The light bulb above me eerily swings back and forth showing the dire state of the walls. The whole place seems to be falling apart. It must be an abandoned building of some sort. At least in all the movies I've seen, buildings that look like this are definitely deserted. Pft, and Leo said too much television would rot my brain. Ha!_

"_You know, this place could use some redecorating." I break the silence._

_The man with the mask doesn't respond. In fact he hasn't responded to anything I say or do. He just watches from the shadows and stays silent. For some reason it's really starting to get on my nerves. The Guard next to me on the other hand is complete opposite. It's easy to get under his skin and it's rather satisfying._

"_Do you ever shut up?" The Guard snaps._

"_Nope." I grin._

_It's a fake smile. I'm actually aching with fear; I can feel the tingling sensation whispering across my skin. The trick is to ignore it; I can't succumb to the panic welling up inside my chest._

"_It drove my brothers crazy…or so they say. In my opinion they were just jealous of my methodical voice."_

"_Yeah right, freak." The Guard murmurs and he shifts his weight between feet. He's growing restless, he's bored. Hey I would be too if I wasn't quivering with anxiety. We have been sitting here for a long time not doing anything. Is this another kind of torture? Boredom? Well it's working. _

_I again look around the dark chamber_

"_Even_ _just a lamp or two could help." I mutter. _

"_Be quiet." The Guard snaps._

"_Lighting can make or break a décor you know."_

"_I said be quiet!" He barks and steps forwards. His fists ball at his sides and his shoulders are tense._

_It gives me an idea._

_"Are you going to hit me? Don't you think that's a little cliche?" I sigh dramatically, "Abductors have no imagination nowadays. I mean really, do you think you could try something a little more clever than punch punch kick?"_

_He takes one more step and snarls._

"_Aww, now you're trying to be intimidating. It's cute but still rather cliche." I give my best smug smirk, the one that used to drive Raph crazy. The Guard growls and starts coming at me and I tighten my grip on the knife. Only a little closer and I'll sink it into his gut. Adrenaline throbs in my ears and excitement pounds my heart. A sharp snap from the darkened corner stops him. He's close enough that I can see the sweat dripping down his face but just far enough that he's out of my reach. The chains around my wrist hold me back too far. We stare at each other, I grin and he glares. A movement out of the corner of my eye makes me turn away from The Guard's face._

_The man from the shadows steps into the dim light and my heart trips to an instant halt. My eyes can't help but fall on the glossy blue mask. A nagging awareness beats in the back of my mind, like faint whispers brushing across my brain. I've noticed lately that the masks have been starting to make me feel strangely uneasy. I went my whole life seeing, playing, and fighting with these masks but for now they are making me uncomfortable._

"_Cut." The masked man commands. __His voice sizzles in the air. It's low and purring._

_Do what now? Cut what? _

"_Uh…"_

"_Cut." He repeats._

"_I-I don't…" I stutter._

"_Understand?" He finishes my sentence bitterly. I clench my jaw and stare with wide eyes. What does he want me to do? _

"_That happens a lot doesn't it…freak?" He spits out the last word and I flinch. His voice thus far has been so smooth and crisp, 'freak' sounded so clumsy on his lips. _

_I open my mouth to retort but my tongue is twisted. He's trying to discombobulate me. Come on Mike stay ahead of him. Be in control of the situation._

"_**They**__ think you're stupid. __**They**__ think you're a burden to the team because you don't understand."_

_What is he doing? __They? Is he…is he talking about my brothers? Pft, shows how much he knows. They don't think that. I mean sure they joke around sometimes but they know I'm not stupid._

"_Why do you think they haven't come for you yet? They deserted you."_

_I don't know if it's the venom in his voice or if that he hit too close to home but my cheeks sting as if I've been slapped._

"_You're wrong." I whisper, I can't hide the anger from that accusation. _

_His eyebrows shoot up. His lips tweak up into an almost smile and he gestures with his head towards the knife in my hand._

"_Come now, Cut."_

_I look down at the weapon._

"_Cut what?" I ask. He doesn't tell me, he doesn't need to. I understand perfectly what he wants me to do. _

_He wants me to hurt myself. Why? What's the point? Why doesn't he just torment me like the other guys do? This doesn't make sense._

"_What makes you think you can make me?" I ask. __He has nothing to hold against me. He can't control me. He can torture me all he likes but there's no way he can make me torture myself._

"_Cut." He demands again._

_"Nu uh, I'm not doing it."_

_"I said cut."_

_"And I said no." I growl uncannily like my brother. Gosh who knew I could sound so much like Raph._

_He doesn't seem angered by my reaction. He remains calm and cool._

"_Then you will get no rest until you bleed."_

_And what the hell does that mean?_

_My question is answered when The Guard steps on the hand that holds the knife and the heel of his shoe shoves my bone into the cement. I grit my teeth from the pain. I try to move it but he has securely pinned my hand to the ground. He then shoves a strange device between the edge of my plastron and throat, just under my chin. It's secured with leather strap around my neck and sharp points poke at my skin. I have to keep my head upwards or else the points will pierce my throat. I can't look down, I can't turn my head, I can't even speak. _

_Then the man and The Guard leave. I'm alone in the blue room._

_They keep me in this position for hours and hours. It becomes a game of patience. Gosh I was never good at being patient. I quickly lose track of time; it seems to go by both slow and fast. I try to keep my mind busy but my thoughts start to slur together. I am getting tired. I need to keep thinking about my family. I need to dive into my memories. I need to win._

_Exhaustion hits me like a pile of bricks. My head starts to droop but the pointed device kindly reminds me to keep looking up. The aching of the position is making my muscles scream for relief. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. How long have I been like this?  
_

_Soon that knife is starting to taunt me. It's calling out to me. One cut and I get to sleep. My hold tightens around the handle._

_Just one cut._

I wake up in a cold sweat and put a hand to my throat to feel for the metal device. It isn't there. Instead two scars rest under my chin. So this really happened. It wasn't just a dream plaguing my mind, it's a memory. It takes a minute for my heart to stop pounding in my ears. I look over at the clock, 2:30 A.M. I sit up in my bed still rubbing my neck.

The memories are becoming more and more frequent. The drugs Donnie talked about are starting to wear off. I thought that that would be a good thing but I'm quickly learning it's not. I'm remembering my captivity and nothing else.

I take my hand away from my throat and glance down at the wrappings around my wrist and arms. I unpeel part of the bandage and see the scarring. I rub a finger over one of the many faded cuts. I broke so many times to create these. Each mark reminds me that I wasn't strong enough.

I remember how easy it was for me to break.

I can't believe I did this to myself. Many of these scars on body are not my fault, but these I did. These are from my own hand. It just started to feel good. It's difficult to explain really. It's just that I was finally in control. I was so desperate for control that I gladly did this to myself. For I finally had something that I could do. It was my pain, no one else's but mine. God I miss that, I miss that kind of pain.

The cuts never hurt really. In a strange sense it felt good, really good.

* * *

(Raph)

It's been a few weeks since our first attempt to 'recondition' Mikey and nothing has changed. Donnie keeps telling me to be patient but I think we be seeing at least _some_ progress by now? I feel like something is missing. We aren't doing something right.

I'm in the middle of cleaning my shell cycle when I finally feel the pinch of exhaustion behind my eyes. I look at my Cell and its well past 3 a.m. I haven't really been getting much sleep lately, I don't know if any of us have. Donnie's always been a late night kind of a guy but even he's worse than ever.

It's the nightmares. Mikey has recently begun to have nightmares. Donnie suspects they are repressed memories finally catching up with him but I'd prefer it if they were just nightmares. Maybe then I could promise him that they weren't real, I could comfort him. The worst part about his nightmares is that they are revealing a hard truth, I just don't know what to say to him anymore. What do you say to someone who went through that much trauma?

I don't know. I need to stop thinking and go to bed. Over thinking never did anyone good.

I sigh and grab the oil stained rag next to me. I wipe my hands clean and toss if over my shoulder. I toss some tools in the general area they are supposed to be. Eh, It's good enough. I then make my way out of the garage.

When I enter the Lair I'm not surprised to find Mikey sitting alone on the couch. He's hugging his legs up to his plastron and his chin rests on his knee. He's staring at the mute TV but he isn't watching it. His eyes are wide and glazing over. It's some late night infomercial anyways.

Maybe I should let him be and go to bed.

No that's stupid. He probably just had a nightmare or memory or whatever the heck they are. I should first see if he's okay.

"Can't sleep?" I ask.

He whips his head around and stares at me. He doesn't say anything and it makes me shift awkwardly. I clear my throat.

"Another bad dream?" I ask softer this time. He nods his head and turns back to the TV. His tense shoulders slowly sag. I move around the couch and sit on the opposite side. It's silent again for a good minute.

"Do ya…uh…want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head no and I'm honestly thankful. He doesn't ever talk about his dreams but he doesn't have to. I don't really want to hear about all the horrors he's been through. It makes me mad and I feel so useless. I'm mad that we didn't rescue him sooner, I'm mad that we let him get taken in the first place. I can't change what happened and I hate that. What do I even say?

"Raph…"

I lift my head.

"Yeah?"

"Do you like me?"

What? I…he…what?

"Like you? Of course I do! I love ya." and there's no doubt about it. He shakes his head with frustration.

"No I mean…do you like who I am?"

I eye him cautiously. Where is this coming from? It's a rather loaded question.

"Mikey why are you asking me this?" I ask carefully. Mikey turns his head and hugs his legs a little closer to his plastron.

"Sometimes I get the feeling you don't like me." He says bluntly and shrugs. His expression is also very nonchalant. He's being rather emotionless.

"What? that's ridiculous of cours—"

"It's because I'm not him isn't it?" He says as he looks me straight in the eyes.

A gust of fear knocks the wind out of me. Oh god, is it that obvious? My jaw snaps shut and it stings my eyes to look at him. When I finally glance at him his own eyes are filled with hurt and anger. The raw emotion behind them make my cheeks burn. Guilt digs into my stomach and I wish I could tell him it's not true. But that would be a lie and we would both know it. So instead I say nothing.

He sighs.

"I like hearing about him you know. He sounds amazing," He states pensively. "I do want to be him again. But, what if _he's_ gone? Will you continue to blame me for his death?" His voice is quiet but his pain is loud.

Now THAT isn't true.

"What gave you the idea that I blame you? I'd like to make one thing very clear, it's not your fault that this happened; it's those bastards who took you."

His expression doesn't change.

God I've been such an ass. I know I've been a little distant from him but I can't help myself. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, really I'm not. The problem isn't that I don't like him, it's that I don't know him. It's so hard to even talk to him. I never know what to say.

I take a deep breath.

"Look I'll admit that I miss yo—him and I'm still learning to accept that uh …he… might be gone forever but that doesn't mean I don't like you."

He nods, still looking like a sad puppy. We are quiet again and he must think the conversation is over because he slowly stands up and turns to limp away. I messed up. I should have lied, I should have done something. He seems so hurt and upset. Everything is so different, he's so different.

That's when it hits me. I spring up from the couch and follow behind him. I put a hand on his shell and he turns his head to look at me over his shoulder.

Why do I feel so uncomfortable?

"You are my brother. It doesn't matter who you are you'll always be my brother. That won't change."

I didn't realize how much I myself needed to hear that. I take that fact and wrap it tightly around my brain. He's still my brother.

He doesn't respond and I clear my throat.

I'm about to move away from him when he suddenly turns around. We stare at each other with uncertainty and confusion. His eyes are clouding with all kinds of emotions that I can't isolate. If I had to guess I'd say he's anxious.

"Uh..Mikey you feeling oka—"

A blur of movements and he's suddenly latching his arms around my body. His face is buried into my shoulder and surprise hits me like a bus.

He used to be fairly affectionate but ever since his captivity he would barely allow Donnie to touch him.

He holds onto me for dear life and his fingers dig into my arm. A wetness drips on my shoulder but he remains quiet. Is he...is he crying? He didn't even cry when he was in pain. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Oh who the hell cares?

I tighten my hold and throw a protective arm around my baby brother.

God I'm so sorry Mikey. For everything.

I don't say it out loud but I feel it. I have to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep myself from getting emotional. Then we would both be a mess and that won't help anyone. I blame exhaustion. It always does weird things to people.

Mikey pulls away almost as quickly as he hugged me. He isn't crying, but I can still see the tell-tale signs of a tear or two.

I don't say anything; I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. I open my mouth to at least try and break the increasing awkwardness but he cuts off my words.

"It just seemed like something the old Mikey would do." He mutters shyly. I can't stop my huge smile gradually growing and then the unthinkable happens.

He smiles back.

It's little and unsure, but it still holds all the Mikey charm.

* * *

(Donnie)

It's been a few weeks since we first tried to recondition him. We have a session every week and progress is slow. It usually ends up with us stopping before he stars screaming, or he starts screaming. The only good news is that It seems we have to push a little more to get a reaction each time. That's a plus I guess.

I don't know, I don't think we are going about this the right way. My brothers are relying on me to know what to do but I don't. I'm a mechanic not a Psychiatrist.

On a good note his physical healing is going well. Most of his bruises and burns have healed completely. His thumb is healing well and he will only have a few scars, not including his forearms and wrists.

He still uses his crutch but not as often. He only uses it when his leg is really perturbing him, although he would never verbally admit it. Now that he is in less pain I encourage that he keeps walking around, a request he's actually following. It's time to work the muscle. See muscles are different than bones. The muscle tissue needs a certain amount of movement as it heals or else will begin to atrophy.

Most the scars he seems to ignore but the cuts up his wrists and arms worry me. He asked me if he could keep them wrapped up and I told him of course. He's ashamed of them somehow; they hold a certain meaning to him that he wants to keep hidden. I think he's afraid of them.

Anyway, the best news of it all is that he is growing closer and closer to us each day.

At the moment, Mikey sits at the kitchen table with April delighting next to him. I like her hovering around Mikey; I think her uplifting spirit has been good for him. Heck she's good for all of us! I'm currently fixing the toaster because according to Raph the thing just decided to wake up one morning and break. I don't understand why they just won't admit when they break something. I mean I have an IQ of 160 I think I'll figure it out. In my professional opinion, the poor toaster never stood a chance. Speaking of the devil, here comes Raph sauntering in now. He's been in a great mood today despite the fact I can tell he got little sleep. Even this morning he was uncharacteristically cheery. I wonder what caused this sudden change from the typical brooding and huffing. Eh, why am I complaining? Happy Raph is much more desirable than grumpy Raph.

"Alright Mikey, get a load of this." He throws a bunch of comics on the table. Mikey eyes them cautiously like they will bite him.

"Books?" He examines them.

"Comic books." Raph corrects slightly.

Mikey gives me a weird look.

"Why are there men in their underwear?" He asks so seriously I can't help but chuckle.

"It's not underwear." Raph waves off and explains, "They're stories."

"About what?"

"Superheroes!" April butts in. "You used to love comic books." She clarifies and reaches over to pick one up. She thumbs through the pages and admires the art work.

"Why?"

"I always figured it's cause you liked the idea of being a Hero." Raph shrugs.

"Which is a good thing! You are a lot like them you know. A kind, brave soul who just wants to save innocent people." April pats his shell tenderly. She's really been smothering him with affection. It has to be exhausting to be so upbeat all the time.

I lift up my goggles and smile at the three sitting in front of me.

"That and you really wanted super powers." I grin.

April fires a glare at me. What? He really did want super powers. He'd take super speed too, like the Flash.

"I'm not a hero." He says so bitterly it makes me cringe. April and I glance at each other.

"I don't save innocent people, I kill them." He looks away from us with obvious shame.

"What?" I ask. I straighten up and hit my head on the cabinet above me. I groan and rub my head.

"I did terrible things. I-I killed people. Innocent people." His jaw clenches and his eyes burn with anger. "Red…he…"

Raph stiffens at the mention of the color. April gives me a 'say something' look and I move towards him.

"Mike it's okay; you don't have to tell us." I reach out a hand.

He ignores my comment and brushes his fingers across the cover of one of the comics. He glares at the man in the hero outfit.

"Red made me the villain."

My heart sinks down into my stomach. They made him kill people. Oh Mikey…how could they? Murder is never an easy subject, even when they aren't good innocent people, even when they are trying to kill you or your loved ones first, taking away someone's life is never simple or comes without consequences. We have all killed before, but never innocent people. Jeez, It must be eating him alive. A fresh wave of anger flows through me and I bite down hard. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

I need to stay calm. I won't blow up again. I promised Leo I was alright, and I am. It's just that…how could anyone completely tear someone apart like this? How could anyone be so cruel? It's inhuman. I've met my share of homicidal-earth-stealing-lunatics but this is worse somehow. Taking everything that makes a person who they are and slowly peeling it away. How could they have done this?

I open my eyes and find Raph watching me with a knowing frown. I feel a pinch of embarrassment.

"It's not your fault." I hear April say to Mikey. He doesn't respond to her. Instead he looks back and forth between Raph and myself. I notice but I don't think Raph does. Raph shuffles closer to me and turns his body slightly to block off April and Mikey.

"That would explain all the blood in the Red room. There was too much of it for it to be from a single person." Raph whispers to me. I overhear April's desperate attempts to comfort Mikey. I nod my head.

"Your conclusion logically makes sense."

"Donnie…this will haunt him for the rest of his life."

My hands close into fists and I blink back the anger.

"I know."

* * *

(Leo)

It's been a few weeks since our first session and so far we have yet to see huge progress.

At least with his mental state, his physical state is another story. He's getting healthier and stronger every day. He' starting to look normal, like the old Mikey I knew but with a few more battle scars.

I'm frustrated. I want Mikey to get better as soon as possible and I know I have been pushing him a little harder than the others. The unfortunate truth is my frustration has less to do with Mikey and more to do with myself. The longer he goes without recovering, the longer I have to live with the guilt. This guilt of mine, it's eating me alive. I can't stop thinking that this is somehow my fault. I know it's not. I know I couldn't have foreseen what happened and so I couldn't have stopped it. I know that. However knowing and feeling are different things, and they rarely agree with each other.

I take a deep breath to soothe my nerves. I'm halfway meditating and halfway absorbing the silence. Except when you listen closely even silence has a sound. I can hear the whisper of air brushing by, the throbbing of my heart and sounds of my breathing. I can hear the distant groans of the Lair and rushing waters of sewers, the critters prowling underground and the flickering of candles. The-

"Feeling restless Leonardo?" A voice breaks my train of thoughts. Silence may have a sound but Splinter apparently does not. I snap out of my little trance and look up at my father.

"Sensei." I bow my head with respect and he rests his hands on his cane. "Just trying to organize my thoughts." I explain.

"Troubling thoughts?" He guesses and I shrug. I might as well tell him, it's obvious he knows something is on my mind.

"It's just that, I can't help but feel guilty. I keep telling myself it's irrational and it's not my fault what happened to Mikey, but the feeling won't go away."

"Ah yes, I suspected as much."

I feel my mouth twitch.

"You did?" I frown.

Splinter gives me a soft smile.

"For many years, even before I appointed you leader, you have struggled with feelings of excessive guilt over things that were out of your control. Even as young as five, if one of your brothers tripped and scraped their knee you somehow saw it as your fault. It is not only a side effect of responsibility but it is also who you are."

I look down at my hands. I guess that makes sense but it's so hard sometimes. I know as a leader I have to take responsibility but does responsibility always have to come with guilt? Specifically excessive guilt?

"It's not healthy." I conclude.

"Only if you let it consume you. All of us have battles within ourselves. Your own brothers for example, Raphael has a quick temper that can cloud his judgment and Donatello is often pulled between his intellectual and emotional sides; even I myself have internal conflicts that I have to face daily. What defines us and what makes it healthy is how we use this trait to push ourselves. Transform these feelings and use it to become a better leader."

He consuls. I listen carefully. His advice is sound but I don't know if I feel any better. How do I use it to make me a better leader? I already strive to be better each and every day. Splinter steps forwards and puts an affectionate hand on my shoulder.

"You are a good leader my son, and a good brother."

I flush a little from the compliment and grin sheepishly. Splinter's eyes twinkle and he turns to walk away from me.

"Master Splinter." I call out. He stops and faces me again.

"Yes?"

"Do you have any advice on how to help Mikey?"

Splinter is silent for a minute while he thinks. Then he rests both his hands on his cane and tilts his head forwards.

"You and your brothers have unique personalities. They are powerful personalities. Show Michelangelo that the masks are instead symbols that represent who each of you are. As of now, you are teaching him to not fear Donatello, instead teach him who Donatello really is."

Is it that simple? No, nothing is ever easy. However I shall take his advice to heart, for when has Splinter ever led us wrong? I stand up and bow my head.

"Thank you Master Splinter." I say respectfully. He nods in return and then shuffles along. He hums slightly as he walks away and I recognize the song. It's the one he sang to us as children. A warm feeling of nostalgia lifts my spirits. Splinter may be an excellent Sensei but he is always first and foremost a father.

A loud thud snaps me out of me reverie and I glance across the room. Raph stands in front of a punching bag with his fists raised. He sways in front of it and unleashes a series of blows. His eyes shift and he glances up at me. We make eye contact and he nods his head curtly. I guess that means "hey" in Raph speak.

One brother.

I continue walking through the Lair, my ears open for signs of the other two. As I get closer to Donnie's lab I hear the soft tinkering of metal. I peek a head inside but he doesn't notice me at all. His concentration pours into what I am pretty sure used to be the toaster. Large goggles make his eyes ten times bigger than they are and I smile.

Two brothers, now where's the third?

Splinter was just with me, April went home a while ago, Donnie's in the lab, and Raph's beating on his punching bag. That means no one is with Mikey. A queasy feeling finds its way into my stomach. Something is wrong.

I immediately head down the hall towards the rooms and I notice Mikey's door is closed. The sickening feeling gets worse. Perhaps I'm being paranoid. That must be it. Splinter told me that I need to trust him. I do trust him. Therefore there is no need to panic. I take a deep breath and turn around to walk away from his room. My feet refuse to move as I stare down the hallway. I trust him, I do.

But I should just check in with him anyways. I turn back around and knock on the door.

"Mikey?" I whisper.

There is no answer. Maybe he isn't in his room. But where else would he be then? My stomach twists, something isn't right. I push open the door and it's completely dark. The light from the Lair only gives a dim silhouette. I take a slow step in his room, my nerves on edge. As I fully enter the room, I can barely see the outline of a body sitting straight up on the bed.

"Mikey, you okay?" I ask.

He doesn't respond.

I move towards him and he frantically throws a blanket over something. The icy stings of dread run through my veins. I stop suddenly.

"What's going on?" My voice drips with panic.

Silence.

"What are you hiding?" I inquire sharper than I mean to. The fear overtaking my voice.

"Nothing." He whimpers. He's lying. I take one step closer.

His blue eyes gleam in the darkness and I can clearly see the signs of panic and anxiety. I glance down at the blanket he's trying to hide. I take a deep breath, trying to control my own panic. I won't get anywhere if I snap at him. I know he's lying, I know he's scared. I won't help if I start yelling at him.

"Please show me." I ask softly.

He shakes his head no. So I reach out slowly and carefully grab his wrist. I try to pull him off the bed but my fingers slip and slide down his arm. What the…?

I move towards the middle of the room and reach up to tug on the light. Light flickers and it instantly illuminates the room. I look down at my fingers, blood.

He's bleeding? I close my eyes, knowing exactly what he was doing. It's not like I didn't expect something like this to happen but I can't help feel the overwhelming shock. When I open my eyes again I scan over Mikey, his arms are red and his eyes are wide with distress. I slowly reach down and notice my hands shaking. I tug the blanket off and a bloody knife lies against the mattress. I pick it up and glare at the blade.

I glance at him and his expression is full of guilt and shame.

"Leo, I'm...I'm so sorry."

**C: Hope you enjoyed! Leave a review and let me know what you think! Thank you everyone!**


	16. Chapter 16: Control

**I'm alive! Sorry It's been forever...Hi y'all! How you doing?**

**This is a shorter chapter then I intended.**

**I would again like to thank all you lovely people who stick with this story! You all keep me going even when I feel like my writing sucks! But that's every artist, they only see the flaws!**

**I would like to thank EmilyGrace18 for being so amazing and encouraging me! And of course if you aren't following her story YOU NEED TO BECAUSE IT'S WONDERFUL**

**Enjoy c:**

_A month since captivity_

(Donnie)

I keep my eyes down as I wash off the blood, but I can feel his tense gaze drilling holes into my skull. I ignore it and softly dab a rag in water. We haven't spoken a word to each other since Leo brought him in here. Leo didn't tell me what happened but he didn't have to. The look in both their eyes told me exactly what transpired. Then Leo left the room the same way he entered it, silent.

I finish cleaning the fresh cuts and put the bloody rag down. Mikey is nervous and I can sense the heavy unease in the atmosphere.

"Aren't you going to ask questions?" Mikey finally asks. His voice is quiet and shaky. I don't look up at him when I answer.

"No." I respond gently. He doesn't respond to me right away, it's as if he's calculating my reactions.

"Why not?" he inquires.

I grab a new roll of bandages and start to re-wrap his arm. He watches the bitter scars disappear under the cloth.

"If you want to talk to me you can." I pause, "but I'm not going to push."

He doesn't say anything. I doubt he knows how to reply to that.

"Besides, I think I already know why you did it." I express honestly.

I hear him sallow hard before speaking.

"Do you?" he asks dryly.

I finally look up at him. He seems more curious than upset.

"When people self-mutilate it's often about control. The situation you were in, everything that happened, it was all out of your power. You couldn't do anything. But this " I gesture to his scars, "you finally had a say in your own body."

A heavy stillness shrouds the room. He stares straight ahead like he's stuck in a memory. I reprimand myself for analyzing like that. I shouldn't be so technical about it, it sounds so cold. I walk across my lab and put away some of my medical equipment. I am running low on bandages.

My shell is opposite Mikey. I shouldn't ask but the scientist inside isn't satisfied with an unanswered hypothesis.

"Am I wrong?" I ask as I snap the medical box closed. He hesitates,

"Are you ever wrong?"

It wasn't said sarcastically, I'm not sure if he remembers how to be sarcastic. He's seriously asking. I smirk slightly and make a humph sound. I turn around to face him again.

"Of course I am. All the time."

As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth. The thing about being a genius that no one ever tells you, is that it's not a matter of always being right. I mean it's not like I pull out all this information out of my shell. I taught myself, I read books and researched. And yeah maybe understanding it all comes naturally to me but I am a mechanic. Things blow up in my face all the time, metaphorically and literally. It's an occupational hazard.

I watch Mikey and notice his legs swinging slightly. It's an incredibly playful motion, one that used to be common before Mikey was...conditioned. It was common when he'd sit in here with me whilst I was working. This feels familiar.

"I was wrong about you." I say.

He tilts his head and his face creases into confusion.

"When we first brought you home I didn't know what to think." I explain, "I tried to force myself to remain hopeful but I was quickly slipping. Within two weeks I felt myself plunge into a depression because I came to the conclusion that the probability of you getting better was slim."

He fidgets like my words make him uncomfortable.

"But so far you have proved me wrong. Every day you show progress." I conclude.

His head tips downward.

"But this, this is a step backwards." He rubs a finger over his bandaged arm. I watch him and I regard his condition. He looks stronger, healthier, and I don't only mean physically. I shrug and move to stand in front of him.

"Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Just do one thing for me."

"What?" He leans backwards slightly. I smile softly.

"Keep proving me wrong, okay?"

He blinks a couple times before something amazing happens. He does something I haven't seen in a long, long time. He smiles back. It's subtle and awkward but it's _his_ smile. It's Mikey's. He leans forwards and wraps his arms awkwardly around me. I am startled at first but it doesn't take long for me to return the affection.

He's coming back, slowly but surely. God I've missed him.

He pulls away quickly and gives me a strange expression.

"What?" I grin.

"Your hugs are softer than Raphs."

"Raph hugged you?" My eyes widen. Mikey returns my grin and nods.

"Did it hurt?"

"A little." He admits. I chuckle.

"Well that's how you know it's genuine."

A knock on the door ruins our moment and we both look over. Leo stands straight and rigid in the doorway.

"Can I speak to him for a second." Leo turns to me. He's not exactly asking despite the fact it sounds like a question. I glance over at Mikey and his face is stone, no more smiles. He looks everywhere but at Leo.

"Sure." I nod. I slowly stride for the door but I take a second to stop in front of him. He gives me a veiled look but I just smile and put a hand on his shoulder. He nods his head.

* * *

(Mikey)

I try to avert my gaze. I can't look Leo in the eyes. Not after what I did.

I knew we were going to have a little chat. Leo isn't one to ignore what happen or let it go without a conversation. Can't he be like Donnie and just let me be? I already feel guilty and ashamed. It's silent for a while as he stands there watching me. I don't know if he's waiting for me to talk or he just doesn't know what to say.

I look down at the new bandage around my arms and wrists. I rub a hand over the cloth. I can't feel the scars now but the overwhelming awareness still burns. These won't go away; they will be constant reminders of what I did to myself.

"This used to feel good to me." I blurt out to him. I didn't mean to say anything but the silence was making me anxious. Within the last few weeks I have come to the realization that I actually hate silence.

"Used to?" His voice sounds a little hoarse.

"I thought maybe it would feel good again, like it did with Blue. Instead I felt ashamed, angry, and confused."

He doesn't say anything. So I keep talking.

"Donnie says some people hurt themselves for control. He's not wrong. But it was more than just that. Sometimes, I wanted to bleed to know I was alive, to know that what was happening to me was real. You know?"

He still doesn't respond and it makes me uncomfortable. I confided in him and his face remains blank. My stomach twists and I feel as if I said something wrong.

"How's your leg doing?" He inquires.

"My leg?" I am confused. "Fine." I say slowly. That's an odd thing to ask at the moment. Truth be told my leg is somewhat bothering me but there's no way I'd admit it.

"You think it's well enough to climb?" He finally moves, he shifts his weight between his feet and crosses his arms. A more relaxed stance than before.

Climb? Climb what? I'm nervous. What is he planning? I remind myself that he is my brother and that I need to trust him. I have to trust him.

"Where are we going?" I ask hesitantly.

"Out."

* * *

(Leo)

This is so incredibly stupid. I have half a mind to turn around and march right back. I don't really know why this idea popped into my head. Maybe it was just the way he was looking at everything but me. I can tell he is embarrassed and ashamed and I had full intentions of talking about self harm, but as soon as I walked into the lab everything I wanted say jumped out of my mind.

He stays close to me as we move through the sewers but he's a step behind. I hear the slight pause in his stride and I wince. Not only is this reckless but his leg isn't in the best condition. This is not something I would typically do. I am not reckless. I keep telling myself to be reasonable, to turn back around right now and take him home.

Nonetheless, I keep moving and Mikey keeps following.

I stop at the ladder and look over my shoulder. Mikey notices and meets my gaze. I can see the emotions swimming in his eyes; Cautious, curious, and most importantly confused.

"Stay close to me and do exactly what I say." I command. I don't wish to scare him but he isn't the ninja he once was. This is dangerous. No, this is stupid.

I should take him back. But I don't. For once in my life I don't want to be rational and responsible. I start to climb up the ladder and Mikey is quick on my heels. I glance down at him when I'm halfway up the ladder and I see his pained expression. This is really pushing it.

Well, Donnie did say he wanted Mikey to exercise his leg a little more.

"Donnie's going to kill me." I sigh as I reach the top of the ladder.

"Probably." Mikey responds lightheartedly. It surprises me, he sounded so playful.

I push the manhole cover up and take a peek around the alleyway. It looks clear. I ascend out of the manhole and reach down to help Mikey. His breathing is heavy from just climbing up the ladder. He takes in the area around him as he stands on the pavement.

The alley is dark but it's not quite night yet. The sun is just starting to set.

My senses are on full alert and I pull Mikey further into the shadows.

"Come on." I whisper to him and start going up the fire-escape. Surprisingly, despite his leg he keeps up with me. I get to the roof and lean over to help him once again. He glares at my hand and I know he doesn't want me to help him. Despite his pride he accepts my aid anyways.

Remarkably he hasn't asked me what we are doing since we left the Lair. I can tell he's soaking up the city. It's kind of cold. November in New York isn't freezing yet but it's definitely not comfortable. I didn't think about the weather.

Let's be honest I'm not thinking at all.

I stand up straight and look at the city in the distance. He stands next to me. His eyes wide and loving, as if seeing beauty for the first time.

He inhales the icy air and closes his eyes. It dawns on me that this is probably the first time he's stood outside in seven months.

"I forgot what wind felt like." I hear him mumble. My heart squeezes and I rub a hand compulsively on my neck. That small prick of guilt is starting to surface again. This is my fault. I should have never let him go out by himself. I should have swallowed my anger and stopped him.

"I'm sorry Mikey."

He looks at me funny.

"For what?" he asks.

"For everything." I confess while keeping my focus on the city. "All that happened to you, I couldn't stop it. I couldn't help you."

He's quiet and stands still. He shrugs, "It's not your fault."

I wait for another slap of guilt but it doesn't come. I'm grateful. I know he's right, I didn't know what would happen. Still, I feel like there is something I could have done.

"I'm sorry too." He says. I turn to him slowly.

"For what?" I ask, repeating the same words.

"That you have to deal with the…_thing_ I have become." He shifts uncomfortably. I can't tell if it's because of his leg or what he said. I flinch at the bitter emphasis on the word _thing_. The sadness seems to seep back into me. My heart pulls and my voice softens.

"You make it sound as if you are a burden to us."

He shrugs and timidly turns away.

"You aren't a burden." I assure him.

He doesn't respond to that. Then I finally realize what I wanted to say to him in the lab but just couldn't find the right words. I sigh.

"The night we brought you home, we all knew there were going to be side effects from your captivity. We didn't know the extent to your trauma, but we were fully aware that you weren't going to be yourself the next morning like nothing ever happened. You are different and you are still struggling, but that doesn't make you a burden. You have a couple issues to deal with but that's why you have us, so you don't have to deal with them alone."

He flinches at the word alone and jerks his head. He stares hard at me. I freeze and watch him carefully. Did I say something wrong? Did I trigger him? I wait for something bad to happen. After a few minutes of nothing, Mikey turns his head back to the lively city. I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

We don't say anything after that. We just watch the city in silence and wait until the sun goes down.

By the time we climb back down into the safety of the sewers, Mikey's limp is worse than before. Which is of course, my fault. I did drag him out of the Lair and pushed his physical limits.

"Lean on me." I tell him.

"I'm okay." He mutters through clenched teeth.

"It wasn't a suggestion." I command.

He nods and wraps an arm around my shoulder. He puts half his weight on me and uses me as a crutch as we head home

"Leo, why did you take me up there?" He finally asks. I don't know how to answer him because I don't know why I did. After a moment of thinking the best I got is,

"Because I figured you could really use some fresh air." Lame answer but it's all I have for him.

"Can we go up there more often?" He asks hopefully. There's a light in his eyes that I haven't seen before. I don't have the heart to say no.

"Sure." I nod and grin.

"As long as you promise you won't ever go to the surface alone." I add in quickly. I feel a shiver down my spine. I don't want him to ever go up the surface by himself again. Ever.

I notice his mouth twitch and he refuses to look up at me. After a while he nods his head.

When we get back to the Lair it's relatively peaceful. Or at least it is until an angry Donnie comes marching up to us.

"Where have you two been? I've been worried sick! How could you just leave without even informing us?" He continues to ramble but I choose to ignore it. Mikey and I share a small smile.

"Thanks Leo." He whispers so quietly I almost don't hear it. I wink at him as Donnie's ranting gets louder.

* * *

(Mikey)

A realization came to me as I stood on top of that roof. I forgot that living has a feeling. Today, staring at the city and hearing the constant buzzing of life reminded me what living felt like. It's vibrant energy that one can't really describe. It feels good.

It was cold but I didn't notice. I was too busy soaking in the fresh air and I forgot about everything else for short while. For once in a long time, I wasn't thinking about the colors or my broken memories. I was just feeling good.

I don't know what compelled Leo to take me to the surface but I am so grateful he did. He was right; I did need some fresh air.

So with my new found sense of feeling I sip happily on my hot chocolate. Even though I didn't feel the cold on that rooftop I feel the bitter shivers now. Donnie insisted I drink something warm and Raph made me hot chocolate. He was a little angry about Leo and I sneaking up to the surface too but for different reasons.

Apparently he wanted to come with us. Donnie rolled his eyes and muttered to himself that Splinter seems to be the only responsible one in the family.

I sit in front of the TV, icing my leg, but I'm not really paying attention to it. I see a figure fly into the room out of the corner of my eye. I look over and I almost drop my cup of hot chocolate. Oh my god. It only takes me a second to zoom in on the mask; my eyes are tuned to it.

Purple.

Oh my god, no!

My heart drops into my stomach and air dies in my lungs. I don't feel the urge to scream like I usually do, but the shivers of fear ripple across my senses. Come on Mikey, you don't have to fear him. Try to remember. I watch him carefully and wait until he targets me as his play toy. But Purple doesn't acknowledge me. Instead he barely nods his head in my direction as he frantically looks around the room. I push my shell against my chair like it will help me disappear and watch as he stumbles around skimming the floor. A couple of objects go flying in the air as he searches.

I'm not quite sure what's going on. This isn't normal behavior.

"Ah-ha!" I hear him gasp. He picks up a tool of some sort and looks at it with satisfaction. Then he quickly scurries back into the lab.

I…what?

The first red flag is that he ignored me. Since when does Purple ignore me? That's not right. The second is that he was almost…playful. What's going on?

I don't know what I'm doing but my body reacts without thinking. I set down my cup and stand up. I limp over to the lab.

This is just so backwards. I'm normally trying to get away from Purple not move towards him. I slowly and carefully reach the door and poke my head inside. I'm quiet and he doesn't notice me. As usual my eyes snap to the Purple Mask first.

Scream.

Pain.

Fear.

No. Not now. I pull my head back and take a deep breath. Focus. I gather all the courage I can muster and peek back around the door. He is bent over the table and a knot forms in my throat. Oh god. Images flash across my mind and I remember screaming. I've seen him leaning over like that as he tortured me. I glance down at his hands and see a tool but it's nothing I've seen him use before. A toaster looking thing is in front of him and he seems to be completely engrossed with the object.

He's…he's building something? That doesn't make sense. This isn't right. Purple never makes stuff, he breaks them. I watch him work for a while but the more I watch his silent work the more confused I become. This doesn't make any sense.

"Mikey."

I jump hard. I quickly turn and back away from the voice. But I relax when I realize it's only Leo. His frown deepens from my obvious unease.

"You okay?" He asks and I can't answer him. I just stare. He cautiously steps closer and I notice a flash of determination on his face.

"What…what is he doing?" I ask. Leo glances inside the lab.

"He's fixing the toaster."

"He's Purple."

"Yes he is. He is Donnie."

"Donnie?"

"They are the same person."

"No they aren't…Purple he's…he's…"

"What do you see when you look at Donnie?"

"I don't know. My brother."

"Purple is your brother."

"No! Donnie is kind and he would never hurt me."

"Exactly. Purple would never hurt you."

What? Why is he saying this? He doesn't know Purple like I do.

"No!" I growl angrily. "You aren't making any sense."

"They are the same Mikey. Donnie is Purple."

He can't be Purple. They completely contradict each other. They are opposites in almost every way. True, they both are intelligent but that's all they have in common. Nothing else. They can't be the same person, they can't be.

"But Purple hurts."

"No, Purple doesn't hurt you. He cares for you."

I don't understand. I can feel the looming of a massive headache. This is just so confusing.

"Look at him. What do you see?"

I do look at him.

"Purple."

"Look beyond the purple."

I try to but it's all for nothing. Purple is all that my mind can see.

"I can't."

**That is all for now! Hopefully my next chapter will not take as long as this one did! I have a pretty good Idea of what I want to happen so...SO ABOUT THE LACK OF RAPH IN THIS ONE! IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL  
**

**Please let me know what you think and Review! They are always helpful and appreciated!**

**Till next time dear readers C:**


	17. Chapter 17: Fight

**Hello! C: How you all doing?**

**I have mixed feelings about this chapter. It's one of my longest I have written yet but I feel like some parts have weird flow. I may or may not come back and tinker with it later but...**

**Anyways, enjoy c:**

_A month and one week since freed from c__aptivity_

(Raph)

I Punch.

I think about Mikey.

I Punch.

I think about the monsters that did this.

I Punch.

I think about what happened three days ago.

I punch.

The self-inflicted cuts along his wrists.

I punch.

I grit my teeth and ram another fist into the bag. My knuckles are starting to feel sore from the unforgiving blows but I don't care. Sweat is beading down my face but I don't care. My breathing is heavy and exhausted but I don't care.

I don't care.

I am not mad, I am frustrated. I thought things were going well. I thought he was getting better. The incident three days ago says otherwise. Donnie sought me out and told me what happened, he told me that I have to be calm about this. He told me that I need to be understanding and gentle; I am not allowed to be angry.

I did not and I do not have any intention of being angry with Mikey. It's _them_ whom I am furious with, those asshats who did this to him.

Donnie insists that what happened isn't a bad thing. Honestly what good does he see in this situation?

So if I'm going have to fake smile all day for Mikey I need to get out my irritation on something. Unfortunately this bag is not really helping. I don't feel any better. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I punch I can only feel the coils of frustration.

"Mikey! Hello? You listening to me?" Donnie's voice steals my concentration. I turn my head and meet Mikey's eyes. He's watching me with a blank expression. He's sitting on the ground with his legs stretched out in front of him. Donnie is sitting cross-legged by his feet and trying to gain his attention back.

They are going through some of his exercises. Donnie has been putting him through physical therapy and I feel bad for the poor soul. I'd rather train with Leo than go through PT with Don.

"Mikey." Donnie tries again and this time he's successful.

"What?" He asks and turns his head.

"I asked if your leg is okay to keep going."

I stop and stabilize my slightly swinging punching bag. I watch the two. Mikey has been spending a lot of time around Donnie in the past week. It's ironic considering that we are using Donnie to un-condition him. I guess their bond is something that the colors couldn't take away.

"I'm fine." He mumbles. I feel my mouth twitch. He's lying. Donnie frowns but he doesn't say anything.

"Alright,"Donnie pipes up enthusiastically and jumps to his feet, "We can do some lunges then."

Mikey stays stationary and looks up at Don with anguish. Then he groans and falls backwards, flailing his arms as he lies down.

Donnie smiles, one that makes his eyes twinkle. He does that a lot when Mike does something new. Well not new, old Mikey would groan all the time when he was told to do something.

"Oh come on! They aren't that bad." Don encourages.

"Alright." He sighs and Donnie holds out a hand. Mikey glares at it for a second debating on whether or not he should take it. Eventually he does and Don pulls him up.

I wipe an arm over my sweat drenched forehead. I turn back to the bag and square my shoulders. I raise my arms and focus on a single spot.

"When can I start doing stuff like that?" He asks before I even throw a punch. I look again and he's pointing at me. Donnie glances over and gives me an strange face.

"I didn't know you were interested in fighting." Donnie speaks slowly. I didn't think Mike would ever be okay with fighting again, not after what he admitted to us.

"You all say I used to be a Ninja. Ninjas fight." He shrugs like it should be obvious. It's awkwardly silent for a minute.

"Mikey you don't have to do what the old you used to do." Don counsels and I flinch. Mikey quietly thinks, his head tilted to the side like a puppy.

"I know. I want to fight." He nods his head in confirmation.

"Really?" I ask.

Even after what Red forced you to do? Are the unfinished words of my question. I feel my blood heat with the very idea of Red but I keep up my calm façade. They both look over at me like they forgot I was here.

"Yes. I want to." He assures me. A silence follows and it's Donnie's turn to think about it. After a while he shrugs his shoulders and sighs.

"As long as you're sure you want to."

Wait what?

"I am."

This is a terrible idea.

"Don may I speak to you for a second." I request harsher than I intend. Donnie nods and we move just far enough away so Mike can't hear us.

"This is not a good idea." I tell him.

"I know." He agrees. I stare at him like he is a crazy person. Actually, he _is_ a crazy person.

"Are you daft in the head? That makes little to no sense. He killed innocent people. You know what kind of impact that must have made on him? Who knows what will happen? We might trigger something or whatever."

"You are telling me things I already know." He sighs.

"Then what the hell are you thinking?" I grit through my clenched teeth.

"Well what was I supposed to do? Turn him down?"

"Yes."

"We can't tell him no. Don't you think that would be just as bad as letting him fight?"

"No!"

"Raph, you're missing the obvious here."

"Oh am I? Please enlighten me." I growl sarcastically.

"He can't fight until his leg is better and that will take time."

"How long?" I squint my eyes.

"A month at the minimum." He informs me.

"A month? That isn't long at all!" I baffle.

"Well I would only allow some light activity."

"Light acti—Donnie you know this can't possibly go well."

"Maybe Mikey will be able to handle it by then. Mentally I mean. He's responding well to the recent re-conditioning and he's been fairly comfortable around us. He's asking more questions, he's showing more personality. I think within a month he could be well enough to try."

I don't respond to that. I'm not sure how. Donnie's so hopeful. I thought I was until the…episode…a couple of days ago. Apparently I'm the only one who thinks that that was a step back. It doesn't instill confidence in me that Mikey is getting better. It just proves that some of his demons are still in control.

"Besides it's not like he's going to be fighting other opponents." He seems so confident that it will be okay.

"I just have a bad feeling." I express honestly.

"It's no different then what we are doing with the masks. It's like a part of the un-conditioning process." He tries to reason. I get frustrated with the logic behind his words and snarl. No longer with a valid argument I hold on to insults.

"This is stupid." I turn away from him.

"Raph you're just freaking out because he associates fighting with Red. You're afraid." He snips back at me. Finally showing a little irritation.

"You're damn right I'm afraid. Why am I the only one?"

Donnie stares at me hard. His eyes soften.

"You aren't, I'm frightened too. We don't know what he will do or if something will trigger a bad reaction. You're right; a lot of things could go wrong. But what if nothing happens? What if everything ends up okay? We don't know and we won't know until we try."

I sigh. Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe Donnie's right, I am just nervous because of Red. I feel a part of me unhinge and relax.

"Fine. I guess. Whatever." I mutter in defeat. Donnie soothingly smiles.

"Everything will be alright. Trust me."

* * *

(Mikey)

They are training again. Splinter is next to me as usual and we both watch. They always amaze me with the amount of athleticism and grace they move.

I used to be able to do that.

I feel excitement bubble through me. Don said I could fight again. I want to be able to do what they do. I want to be a Ninja.

Even though he said my leg has to get better first, I can't wait. I look up at Splinter.

"Donnie says you will retrain me to fight."

His brow rises a bit but other than that his face remains emotionless. Weird, Raph reacted funny when I brought this up too.

"The path of Ninjitsu is not an easy one." He informs me honestly. "Your brothers make it look that way because they have had years of practice. However it will be a road of frustration and obstacles. It may take time and perseverance to regain your skill."

"Oh." Is all I say in response. I look down at the ground and pick at the wrappings around my wrist. He must notice my sudden disappointment.

"But you have always been a natural." He says softer and hopeful.

"Really?" I ask excitedly. He smiles at me with blooming pride.

"You are a born athlete." He gestures towards Leo. "Leonardo for instance is a very skilled Ninja but he trains hard. It never took you long to master a skill. This of course led to laziness and sometimes over confidence, but you are very naturally gifted. You were born to be a Ninja."

"I was really that good?" I wonder.

I see laughter and pride twinkle in his eyes.

"You should ask your brothers about the Battle Nexus Tournament." He chuckles. It's low and rumbling. "Except I do not think they look back on those memories too fondly."

Apparently there is some inside joke that I don't get. A surge of the irritation hits me, I wish I could remember.

We don't say anything else.

After a while Splinter stops the three training. With a few quick words, Raph and Donnie square their shoulders to Leo who stands in-between them. With a war like cry Raph charges forward and Leo deflects an attack. Donnie takes position behind him and sweeps with his weapon. Leo expertly dodges both. Donnie and Raph continue to work together to take on Leo but Leo doesn't waver.

Splinter is right, he is very skilled.

Donnie and Raph coordinate their attacks together, seemingly fighting like a well-oiled machine. I see their tactic. Raph is trying to keep him distracted; he's trying to force all the attention on himself to leave Donnie room to go for blind spots.

Both of Leo's Katana's collide with Raph's weapons. Raph uses the prongs to capture the swords and momentarily holds them in place giving Donnie enough time to attack. With a flick of his wrist he lashes out with his long weapon. Leo is almost caught in their trick but at the last second he leaps up—

_My feet push up and I find myself flying through the air. I land behind him and he turns to swipe off my head. His footing is unbalanced and I duck effortlessly. I throw a punch to his stomach and he cringes. My foot sweeps his legs out from underneath him._

I sit up straighter and gasp. I shake my head and close my eyes. When I open them Leo lands behind Donnie and kicks a foot into his shell. It sends Donnie into Raph. They land in a heap on the ground.

I feel shivers run up my spine. That was my last session with Red. That was the last man I killed.

Raph growls and pushes Donnie off of him. Leo seems pleased with himself and Raph growls. He charges again and starts a series of parries with the older brother. Donnie stays still for a moment and watches.

Wait a minute. I fought him. I _knew_ how to fight. I-I did the same move Leo just did. I look down at my hands. Somewhere deep inside I remember. I didn't lose my skill. It's still here.

"My son." Splinter scares me and I jump. I look up at him frantically.

"Are you alright?" He asks.

I take a deep breath.

"I'm fine." My hands are still shaking from the flashback. Pieces of a puzzle slide together in my head. No wonder I was comfortable with those blades.

I was a Ninja. _I am_ a Ninja.

I smile. I've lost so much of myself but I know for a fact that the warrior part of me is still alive. If what Splinter says is true, I am still a good fighter. A feeling of euphoria bursts through me. This is the best I have felt in a long time. I feel as if an old part of me has been dusted off and shown to the world.

There is one thing that is bothering me though. If I was such a great Ninja than how did I get captured?

It's definitely a question I intend to ask.

* * *

(Leo)

"Donnie, you're doing that thing again." Raph snaps thoroughly annoyed. Donnie looks up from his pen and paper.

"And what is it that I'm I doing?" He asks.

"You're talkin' to yourself and some of us are tryin' to watch TV here." He gestures to the television.

Donnie glances back and forth between Raph and the TV. He looks genuinely offended.

"I do not talk to myself." He mutters defensively. I keep my eyes forward and try to bite my smile forming.

"Oh really? Who ya talking to then?"

Raph crosses his arms and scowls at my genius little brother. Donnie glances at me before glaring back at Raph. He motions to me with his head.

"I'm talking to Leo."

"I don't remember being invited to your conversation." I rebut. The corner of Raph's mouth tips into a smirk.

"See, you talk to yourself." Raph is smug.

Donnie huffs.

"Well maybe I'd rather talk to myself; at least then I can have an intelligent conversation." He mutters under his breath but not quiet enough. I try to choke back the laugh but I am unsuccessful.

"What did you just say?" Raph uncrosses his arms and leans forwards.

"I said I love you Raph." Donnie spits out sarcastically. Raph narrows his eyes.

"You calling me stupid?"

"I never actually said the word stupid. All I'm saying is that the only conversation you seem to engage in is with your fists."

Raph twitches before a devious grin crawls on his face. He cracks his knuckles slowly.

"Come here Donnie, I wanna chat." And before Donnie can move Raph grabs him and puts him into a headlock. The pen and paper fly off his lap. He gasps and tries to pry away from the resilient grip.

"Leo, help!" Donnie pleads. I can't contain my amusement.

"No thanks. I already had a nice talk with Raph last week." I chuckle and Raph winks at me. Donnie continues to wrestle out of the hold and I take this moment to check up on Mikey.

He's sitting on the floor a few feet away from us but he's still in sight. He was focusing on the comic book in his hands but now his attention is on the two brothers wrestling. His expression is uneasy and confused. I stand up and walk over to him. I squat down.

"You okay?" I ask and his eyes snap to mine.

"Why are they fighting?" He asks. I smile softly.

"Oh they aren't really fighting. They are just playing, kind of a fake fighting."

"Playing? Why?"

"It's what brothers do sometimes." I try to explain but he doesn't look satisfied with my answer.

"Are they hurting each other?"

"No."

"Ow! Raph!" Donnie growls angrily and I wince. Mikey gives me an odd look and I have to use all my will power to not roll my eyes. Mikey blinks and looks over my shoulder. I turn my head in time to see Donnie jab Raph in the side with a finger. Raph yelps with surprise and starts to laugh. It's been a while since I've heard Raph genuinely laugh, it's a good sound.

"Does this happen often?" Mikey pulls me out of my thoughts. I chuckle.

"Yeah, Raph has a talent for chasing around little brothers. It seems to be his calling in life."

Mikey looks down at the ground in deep thought. He tilts his head to the side and looks back up at me with torn emotions.

"Was I chased a lot?"

I feel my smile widen.

"You were chased the most!"

"Why?"

I shrug.

"Because you were mischievous, you had a knack of messing with us."

"Why?"

I sigh. That seems to be his favorite question today. At least he's asking questions.

"Because it was fun. You brought fun into our usually serious lives."

When I sense someone walking towards us I look up. Donnie rubs his shoulder and grimaces.

"Traitor." He mutters, his voice teeming with happy laughter. I give him a guiltless look.

"It was your own fault."

"I still blame you." He declares.

"Oh get over it Brainiac." Raph smirks as he stands beside him. He shoves Donnie a little bit out of playful fun. Donnie narrows his eyes and glares straight ahead. He elbows Raph in the side. Raph gasps in surprise.

"Ohh up for round two are we?" Raph sneers and turns to pounce on the younger brother again but a blur of green slams into him before he gets the chance. The blur knocks him off his feet and I am surprised to find Raph being pinned down by Mikey. My jaw slacks open a little before Donnie and I share a slow smile. Mike scrambles off of him almost as quickly as he jumped. He looks afraid like he did something wrong. His eyes are full of frustration and confusion. He looks up at me,

"I'm…I'm playing."

I was smiling for the rest of the day.

* * *

(Mikey, again)

All three of them are in the kitchen. They are making dinner together and each have a certain duty. Leo is frying what I'm guessing is chicken, Raph is slicing vegetables, and Donnie is stirring noodles. For some reason I find it funny that all three of them cook together. They explained to me that they I used to cook often and in my absence they had fights over who would cook what days. So they all ended up having to make food together as a compromise.

They are still in a great mood from earlier. Laughter has a way of making problems momentarily disappear. I have a bad feeling I'm about to ruin it. Ever since training this morning it's been bothering me. It's time I start asking questions, it's time that I learn what happened to me.

I need to know. I take a confident step forwards and I limp closer to them. Donnie is the first to notice me. He gives me a bright smile but it quickly fades.

"Are you alright?" He asks. His eyes are soft and over flowing with worry. The others follow his gaze.

"I'm fine." I mutter in a weak voice. Leo stands furthest away from me, the chicken sizzling in the skillet.

"Leo, what happened?" I blurt out.

"What happened to what?" Donnie asks as he pokes a noddle with his wooden spoon.

"How did they capture me?" I restate my words, sharp and crisp.

A piercing silence fills the air. They all look at each other. I wait patiently for an answer.

"Well we aren't exactly sure." Donnie replies cautiously.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…" He trails off and uneasily looks back at the others. I feel the tinge of panic freeze my skin.

"Mikey I don't think—" Leo starts.

"Tell me what happened."

They don't speak. I can tell they are debating between each other.

"Please." I implore.

Donnie finally sighs with defeat.

"It was a bad day. Nothing seemed to be going our way, for you in particular. You went up to the surface to get some fresh air. We didn't think anything of it; I hate to admit it but at the time we were all thinking of ourselves. You never came back after a couple of hours and we started to worry; you weren't picking up your shell cell either so we eventually went looking for you. We looked for hours but we couldn't find you anywhere."

"Raph eventually found your mask and your Nunchakus on a rooftop. There was a pool of dried blood, your blood. We didn't know if you were even alive. Without a body we couldn't know for sure. We didn't want to believe that you were killed so we decided that captured was the lesser of two evils." Leo explains.

"We never stopped looking for you. We searched everywhere. We looked into all of our enemies, searched day and night, even talked to some gangs about word on the street but...nothing. You just vanished." Donnie contributes. Raph doesn't say anything.

I wait for more but they don't speak. Dread picks at my heart.

"Then how did you find me?"

A sudden tension fills the room and they look at each other again. My eyes move between them. What aren't they telling me?

"You eventually found me. Right?" I ask again. I don't understand.

"This isn't a good idea." Raph growls.

"I need to know." I snap.

"We…technically didn't." Donnie mummers. I feel a shiver run up my spin.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"Someone, an unknown someone, sent me the coordinates. They said you would be there. I tried to trace it back but it came up blank. The coordinates lead us to the empty Asylum. No one was there but you. ." Don explains.

What? I feel my eyes widen. That's impossible.

"S-so you just one day got a random message that told you where I was?"

"Yes."

"I don't understand."

"No one knew where you were Mikey." Leo pauses. "The only ones who knew were the people who put you there." He watches me carefully, waiting until I catch on to what he is implying. I shake my head. I can't believe this. This can't be true.

"Are you—are you suggesting that…"

"Your captors let us find you? It's the only possible explanation." Donnie finishes for me. My jaw falls open and my heart pounds. No.

"So, if it wasn't for them I-I'd still be stuck in that…hell?"

They don't say anything. Raph is about to explode. Leo looks ashamed. Donnie opens his mouth to say something but words die on his tongue.

"No." I whisper. This can't be. They let me go, they _let me._ I could still be in there. I could still be rotting in that cell. I could be dead! I don't understand. Why did they release me?

"Mikey..." I feel a hand on my shoulder and I pull away from it hard.

This can't be true. I don't get it.

"No!" I say louder. My heart is beating too loudly. I can't believe this.

They let me go.

I thought I was free. I thought that I was saved. They are in control of my entire life, of my entire being. And now they are even in control of my freedom. They let me go. They planned it. It is because of them that I am free.

Everything is a lie. This is a part of their sick game.

I can't do this. I shake my head. I storm away. I don't want to be with my brothers. Not right now. I need to be alone. I need to think.

"Mikey!" I hear one of them shout out. I'm not sure who.

"Let him be." Another whispers.

I didn't eat dinner that night.

* * *

(Donnie)

Raph lounges on the couch. Silently raging.

We shouldn't have told Mikey, he wasn't ready to hear the truth. I knew he was going to freak out, we all did. But I didn't want to lie to him either. It's been a full two days since we told him about his captivity and he won't talk to us. He stays locked up in his room and I can barely get him to eat.

"Have you seen Mikey?" I ask and seem to startle Raph. He looks up at me and glares at the mask I tied around my head. It feels weird going so long without wearing them.

"Probably in his room." He snaps bitterly. I ignore his harsh tone. I just look away with a furrowed frown.

"I guess he just needs a little more time." I sigh.

"It's been two days."

Yes, thank you Raphael. I grit my teeth but I don't express my annoyance.

I hear loud voices coming into the Lair and Raph and I both look over our shoulders. Our hands are already reaching for our weapons, a habit formed throughout the years. But it's just April sauntering in with Casey Jones in tow. Her bright green eyes sparkle with her usual fire. You know that myth about red heads and strong personalities? Well with April that is 110% true. I grin at the familiar pair.

"The fun has arrived." April smiles.

"If you're referring to Casey you might need to have your head checked." Raph grumbles. April smiles lovingly up at Casey.

"Head. Heart. They both need a thorough examination."

"Ugh. Don't make me puke." Raph mutters.

Their relationship is still relatively new, in the honeymoon stage. It's kind of weird to think that a girl like April is dating Casey Jones. Not that I have anything against Casey. I actually like the guy when he's not overstaying his welcome or bashing in all my stuff. He's a good guy with a good heart, just very different from April.

But who am I to judge? I'm happy for them.

Casey turns to Raph and pokes him accusingly. They are best friends but the whole Mikey situation has put a dent in their relationship. Raph's emotions have been so everywhere and we have been rather distant from our human friends. It's been hard.

"Were have you been pal? I've been craving a punk busting."

Raph glares. He is so not in a good mood.

"I've been a little busy." He snaps. Casey flinches.

"I know. I just figured that, you know, you could let off a little steam. It ain't right keeping you in here 24/7."

I glance over at Raph and shake my head. The poor guy is just trying to help and he gets his head bitten off because of it. Luckily Raph does seem to notice the effort and his sour mood lightens.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to get out of here for a while. Well, wouldn't hurt us." He smirks a little. Casey punches his arm kind of hard but it doesn't bother him. Good golly they are aggressive.

"That's the Raph I know."

April pats Casey's arm like he did good job and looks around.

"Where's Mikey?" She asks me.

"He's in his room." I say. Raph glares at me and I roll my eyes. She looks between Raph and I. She frowns.

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah, our brains took a field trip and we did something stupid." Raph explains rather curtly. "We told him the truth about his 'rescue' and as you can guess, he did not respond well."

"Well why'd you tell him?" Casey wonders like even he knew that was a bad idea.

"He asked." I mutter, annoyed.

"Isn't Mike still a little…not Mike? Why didn't you just tell him that it wasn't the right time to talk about it?"

"You know Casey, you make a good point." Raph declares and throws me an accusatory glance. Oh I swear to god if he keeps this up I will not be held responsible for my actions.

"Why don't you ever acknowledge when I make a good point?" Casey asks April playfully. It breaks the tight tension in the room.

"Because I don't love you like he does." She says dead panned. Raph almost smiles. April turns to me and straightens her shoulders. A woman on a mission.

"Let me talk to him."

"April I don't know if that's a good idea." I say sympathetically. I understand and appreciate her helping but I'm not sure if it will do any good.

"Well we won't know until we try." She says. It's basically the same words I said to appease Raph two days ago. Honestly, hearing my own advice repeated back to me is annoying. Still, it'd be rather hypocritical of me to say no. She is right, it won't hurt to try. We are already in a bad situation how could it possibly get worse?

I nod my head.

"Okay."

She doesn't even hesitate. She disappears down the hallway and an awkward silence dawns on the rest of us. Raph is still glaring at me. I have no clue why he is blaming me for this. He was a part of the telling-Mikey-what-happened train too. Casey looks between us and notices the obvious strain. He must feel the need to break it.

"Wow, I'm starving! You got any food around here?" He finally says and pats his stomach.

"You just had dinner." Raph mutters.

"Well…a man's gotta big appetite. Especially when he's got guns like these to replenish." He flexes his arms. Raph rolls his eyes and I shake my head. Yup, this is the man April has fallen in love with.

"Alright, alright don't hurt yourself." I tease. I grab his arm and I am about to drag him into the kitchen when April slowly reappears from the rooms. I sigh.

That was fast.

Either their conversation did not go well or he kicked her out, or both. Casey and I move towards her. The closer I get to her I notice the blank expression locked on her face. Her eyes are filling with dread every step she takes. A knot balls in my chest.

Something is wrong.

"April you okay?" Casey asks. He protectively stands by her side as if his physical presence will make things better.

"It's Mikey…"

"What happened? Is he okay?" I panic. Raph jumps up and starts to march towards his room but April grabs his arm and stops him. He turns and looks at her with a glare that could melt steel. She doesn't seem affected by it.

"You won't find him in there." She mutters. Raph pales.

Oh my god.

"He's gone." She whispers.

You know how I said how could it possibly get worse? I take it back.

* * *

_(_Raph_)_

_I'm still pissed at Leo. The mission did not go well tonight and apparently it's due to the fact that "I don't listen." It's complete bullshit. I had no idea we were walking into a trap! It's not like the Foot's little plan worked anyway. We are all fine. Isn't that what matters?  
_

_I hear the patter of steps and look over at Donnie walking up to me. I growl. He's smarter than that. Do not approach me when I am in this kind of mood. It's one of those days were being alone is not just wanted, it's needed. Yet here comes boy genius.  
_

"_Donnie. Now is not the time." I warn him in my most composed voice possible. Which at this point is not very composed. Donnie ignores me and I take a hard look at his face. It's creasing into a hard frown._

"_Have you heard from Mikey?"_

"_He went to the surface." I mutter._

"_I know but he's been gone a while." Donnie says._

"_Well some of us like to be left alone." I grit between teeth trying to give him a clue. He doesn't move._

"_It's been over three hours Raph. He should have least called by now and checked in."_

"_Well he hasn't tried to contact me. Ask Leo."_

"_Leo hasn't heard from him either."_

_Donnie's anxiety is starting to wear off on me. I feel the squeeze of concern twist my stomach._

"_I'm sure he's fine. He can look out for himself." I assure Donnie. As much as I hate to admit it but it's not like Mikey is incompetent. Don shakes his head sternly._

"_Something doesn't feel right. He should have called." Donnie swears. He flips out his shell-cell for probably the hundredth time and dials. He waits until the line goes dead before he tries again. I feel the prickling sensation of fear._

_He's right. Something is wrong._

My heart is pounding in my ears by the time I reach the man-hole cover. I lift it up slightly and scope the area. No one is around. I pull myself out of the sewers and into the open. The frosty air bites my skin but I ignore it. I have only one concern, where is Mikey?

Donnie and Splinter are searching the sewers while Leo, Casey, and I take the surface. April is staying at the Lair in the slim chance that Mikey comes home. There was a heated discussion of who was staying behind because she felt like she should be the one searching. But she doesn't know the sewers like we do.

I search for god knows how long. I look down every alley but I come up empty. The racing fear is threatening to take over. I can't panic. I have to stay focused. But that's easier said than done. I glance at a building. The rooftops.

I start climbing the nearest fire-escape. Even if he isn't up here it will give me a better view.

Oh god. I can't shake this eerie feeling. This is all too familiar.

_The sun is starting to peek over the darkness. I have been searching all night. The physical exhaustion is nothing compared to my mental state but I have to keep looking until I know Mikey is safe. Where the hell could he be?_

_Damnit Mikey. I swear when I find you I will kill you._

_I am crouching near the ledge of the roof on a tall building searching for any sign of my brother. I can't believe this is happening. This better be some kind of sick joke._

_The sun will be up soon and it's going to be harder to search in the daytime._

_I hear my shell-cell ring and I pick it up. It's Leo._

"_Any luck?" He asks._

"_None."_

_He sighs heavily. The line is quiet as he thinks._

"_Let's regroup back at the Lair. I'll contact April and Casey and ask if they can help search." He finally commands._

_I refuse to stop looking for him._

"_I'll only come back home if I have Mikey with me."I spit harshly.  
_

"_Raph—"_

_I end the call and shove the phone back in my belt. I glance at the glaring sunrise shooting specks of orange across the sky._

_Mikey, where are you?_

I'm not going to lose him, not again. I don't think I'd be able to handle it. The first time, we weren't even sure if Mikey had been kidnapped. The possibility that he was dead drove me to the point of insanity. It was hell.

I refuse to let that happen again. I will not allow my brothers go through this again.

I jump between roofs hoping to god I find something. I can't do this again. I have to find him. I don't know if I could live with myself if I fail a second time.

_The sun brushes against something odd on a roof not too far from me. I see it out of the corner of my eyes. My muscles tense and I jump across the roofs with ease. As I get closer I notice a dark liquid pooling in the middle. I pray that isn't what I think it is._

_I leap onto the building and slowly move closer._

_Blood._

_There's a significant amount of it. Head wounds tend to bleed a lot but this is too much even for that, someone is seriously hurt. I cringe and the sudden need to puke overwhelms me. I've never been squeamish when it comes to blood but I have a nasty feeling that this is Mikey's._

_In the middle of the pool is a dirty mask. Dried red from the blood, it's almost as red as mine. Only splotches of orange peek through. I pick it up and hold it in my palm. The two empty eyes stare back at me._

_Oh my god. No._

_I glance up and a few feet away are orange Nunchakus._

_Mikey!_

I keep moving. I have to keep looking. I won't fail this time. I try to use the fear inside to push me further but it's only making me frantic. I am breathing heavily but not from running. I close my eyes and take a deep icy breath and listen to the wind blustering. I need to focus.

I hear a soft scrape and my eyes snap open. It was small and quiet but it was enough. My heart races and I look for the source of the sound. At this point I am relying on my gut instincts.

I climb up the taller building quickly. He better be here.

And he is.

I find him leaning against the edge of the roof with his head buried between his knees. I can physically feel the rush of relief spreading through my body like an anti-dote.

He's here. He's okay. He's alive.

I'm going to kill him.

"Mikey!" I call out to him and swing over. His head shoots up and he is prepared to bolt. But he freezes when he realizes it's just me. The panic, however, doesn't leave his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing up here?" I try to stop myself but I can't. Words just fly out of my mouth without thought. They can't be stopped. He stands up to face me; he's frantically trying to speak.

"I-I don't—" he stutters.

"You gave all of us a freaking heart attack! Do you have any idea what it feels like to lose your brother, twice? Do you know how idiotic this was? How could you put us through this again?"

"I di-didn't think—"

"No, you didn't! You just off and left without telling anyone where you were going. You told Leo that you would never come up here alone and for good reason! Do you know how dangerous the surface can be? How could you do something so...so…" I have to bite down on my tongue. He's not moving; he just holds his head down and takes the harsh lecture in silence. I'm not making this any easier. I'm being unfair. Being angry won't help him right now. I take a deep breath.

I reach out and grab him. He is startled when I pull him into a hug but accepts it. All the anger and fear are gone within a second.

"I just needed to clear my head." He mumbles into my shoulder. I nod my head.

"I get ya. I'm sorry I yelled just…never do anything like this again."

"Okay."

"No, promise me."

"I promise."

We release each other. He looks a bit more relaxed but I know he's feeling guilty. I take out my shell-cell and notify Donnie, April and Leo. Everyone is relived.

"Stay put. Casey and I will meet you there." Leo orders through the cell.

"Don't dawdle." I huff and end the call. I just want to get home with Mikey in tow as soon as possible. Mikey sits back down and I cross my arms. My heart is still pounding in my chest and I have to focus on my breathing. He's here, he's okay.

"Mikey I know you're upset but..." I stop talking when I notice the overwhelming confusion set in his features. I need to let him be, he needs some time to think. It's what I would want. Soon an awkward silence falls over us. He shifts his leg but his movements are rigid and tense.

"Your leg botherin' ya?" I ask. He shrugs.

"It's not that bad."

Which means yes. I don't doubt that it hurts. He walked and climbed a long way with that bad leg.

I subconsciously grab a Sai from my belt and twirl it. It's something I'm comfortable and familiar with, unlike the weird situation I'm in right now. After about a minute I realize Mikey is watching me with intensity.

"What are those called?" Mikey gestures to my weapons.

"Sai."

"Why don't you use Katanas like Leo?" he asks me.

"I can use Katanas but I prefer these."

"Why?"

I shrug my shoulders. Honestly I don't know. Splinter gave us each our own weapons when we were younger and we have always cherished them. He taught us how to fight with practically everything, even non-weapons, but we just grew up mastering one in particular. In my case, the Sai. I'm sure Splinter had a reason for why he gave us the weapons he did.

"I guess I just feel more comfortable and confident with my Sai." I explain. "They are very different weapons made for different styles of fighting. Despite the appearance, my weapons are built more for defense than attacking. The way I fight is different than Leo's. A part of that is because of the weapons we use."

"What was my weapon?" He asks. I tilt my head. He's really into this whole fighting thing. I don't know if I like it but I answer him.

"Nunchakus."

He doesn't respond and I can't tell if he even remembers what those are.

"They are both defensive and offensive weapons. They are quick, flashy, and rely on footwork and positioning. They have a long reach to attack vulnerable points on an opponent. I was never very good with them. You used to laugh at me because I more often than not hit myself with them."

He smiles slightly.

"Splinter told me I was good." He says.

"Yeah you weren't bad. I kicked your ass though." I smile. He probably doesn't realize I'm teasing but I can't help myself.

"He also said something about a Battle Nexus Tournament?" He inquires.

I stop smiling. Dear god I never thought I'd hear him brag about being the "Battle Nexus Champion" again. Technically he isn't bragging because he doesn't remember. Still, I'm not going to be the one to remind him.

"Yeah ask Donnie about that one." I mutter.

He taps his fingers on his legs rapidly and starts to fidget. He never could sit still.

Leo _is_ taking forever though. Didn't I tell that bonehead not to dally around? Maybe he got caught up. I'm not worried. I trust Leo's ability to take on a squadron of Foot and win. Also Casey is with him so they're probably fine.

A weird feeling itches at the back of my mind and I stop fiddling with my Sai. I turn my head and listen. Mikey pushes to his feet and grimaces. He turns to walk away from me.

"Wait." I instinctively reach out and grab his wrist. He stops and looks at me with dread.

"What's wrong?" His voice is shaky.

"We aren't alone." I growl. My hand reaches towards my other Sai. As if on cue a few Foot soldiers leak out of the shadows. I widen my feet into a strong defensive stance.

"Stay behind me." I command. I feel his hand grabbing onto my shell.

"Uh, I have a feeling that won't help." He mutters. I turn and look over my shoulder.

Sure enough, we are surrounded.

**Woop! c:**

**Tell me what you think! D: Is it okay? Review and tell me what you think! Thanks so much! You all are so great and wonderful!**


	18. Chapter 18: Freedom

**I AM SO SORRY. Really, life's been so busy and I have a creative writing class now and so my first priority is to write for that so by the time I get around to this I just feel like taking a nap.**

**Okay really, there is no excuse. I am just awful at time management. I hope this is any good, I feel like it's been so long I'm extremely out of touch with this story!**

_A month and one week since freed from captivity_

"Leo better get his ass here, now!" Raph mutters. Despite the ease and comfort in his stance his muscles are tense. He wears an angry scowl and I detect fear in his eyes. Not fear for himself but fear for me.

I look at the black Ninjas around me. It's dark enough now that they blend in with the night. I'm not sure how many surround us but I know they have us easily outnumbered. Raph couldn't possibly take on all of them!

No one moves. Time freezes as both Ninjas wait for the other to attack.

"Stay close to me." Raph grunts under his breath. Well I don't really plan on going anywhere else…

Finally, one of the Ninjas takes a strong step towards me. Raph twists and kicks out with his foot sending him flying backwards into his fellow warriors.

After that they all seem to charge in at once. Raph moves from one side of the circle to other, not bothering to stay in one spot. When one gets too close they are instantly pushed back. He isn't really fighting them; he's just keeping them off me.

I stand in the middle of the confusion feeling helpless. A surge of anger and frustration cloud my mind. I should be helping him. He can't do this on his own, there's too many!

Raph flicks his wrist and I gasp as three sharp flying objects zoom past my head. I follow them as they hit three ninjas who were closing in behind me.

He can't fight them and protect me; they will keep getting back up. It will be an ongoing loop until he grows tired and makes a mistake. He must realize this too because he shoves his shell-cell in my hands.

"Get out of here! Call Leo and tell him to come get you."

"What? N-No!" I stammer. There is no way I'm leaving him here!

Raph turns just in time to catch two swinging Katana blades. He pushes them away with a harsh grunt. He grabs me by the shell and shoves me towards an opening in the circle. I stumble out of the ring of Ninjas. Their focus immediately all falls on Raph.

"Go!" He commands.

They swarm him and I watch in shock. I can't leave him, this isn't right. But I'm not helping him by just standing here either. I need to do something!

Amongst the sea of black one of the Ninjas charge from behind, Raph doesn't seem notice.

I don't have time to warn him, I barely have time to react. Without thinking I chuck the shell-cell as hard as I can and it flies through the air. It slams into the side of the Ninja's head and he stops.

"Yes!" I shout and raise a triumphant fist. He spins around and looks at me.

Ah, nuts.

He moves towards me slowly, like a tiger stalking his prey. I shift my feet and try to copy Raph's stance. It's awkward.

I got this. I am a ninja, remember?

He swings his katana and I barely jump back in time to dodge it. My leg screams out in protest and I hiss from the pain. I have to ignore it. I'm used to pain, I can do this.

He dances around me and I realize he's toying with me. You know it would be nice having those weapons of mine right about now!

We continue this song and dance of slashing and dodging. I am sloppy and scarcely avoiding his attacks. It's shameful. This isn't the Ninja that Splinter was talking about. I yelp when a cool blade catches my shoulder. It stings as the icy air bites it. I grit my teeth with frustration.

He goes for another slash and I dip my shoulder. The blade passes over me and I grab his wrist at the last second. I twist it to the side and jab him in the middle of his chest. He gasps from both surprise and the sudden loss of air.

Weren't expecting that were you!?

Feeling much more confident I sway slightly on my feet. Now this feels better. I hold open my hands as if to beg him to try something.

He sweeps at my head. I duck and spring forward; I grab at his waist and flip him over my shoulder. I turn to kick my other leg at him in midair but I cry out as my bad one buckles. I stumble. Fires of pain flair and I have to bite my tongue to keep from groaning. Damn!

When I look up the Ninja is already standing over me. I can't see his face but I swear he's smirking. My eyes widen and I try to stand up. My leg refuses to comply.

Come on!

Panic explodes through my chest as he raises his Katana. I watch with wide eyes.

I have to move. Now!

Move!

But it's too late; the blade is swinging towards my neck. Oh god. I close my eyes and turn away, not wanting to watch my life end.

* * *

(Donnie)

What is taking so long? They should be here by now! They must have gotten into trouble, that's the only reasonable explanation. I mean Leo called me almost thirty minutes ago saying that Raph found Mikey. Thirty minutes!

It's okay Don.

Leo, Raph and Casey are with him, they'll be alright. I need to remain rational and calm.

I need to remain calm…but I mean come on, thirty minutes!?

"Donatello."

I jerk to a halt at the snap of my name. Splinter is sitting peacefully on the couch, both hands resting on his cane.

"Ease your mind my son. Your brother is in good hands." He assures me.

"I am at ease Sensei."

He raises his brow and a whisper of a smile crawls on his face.

"The hole in my new rug says otherwise."

What? I look down at the rug and it's perfectly fine. I guess it's a bit dented by footprints…

Was I pacing? I didn't even realize. I take a deep breath and shake my head. How can he tell me to be at ease? How is he so calm?

This whole situation reminded me what it felt like the first time we lost Mikey. I forgot how the fear slices the mind like a sharp knife through butter.

I sigh and sit down next to Splinter. I cross my arms and my toe continues to tap. I'm usually pretty good at being patient. Dealing with the strong personalities that are my brothers and being an engineer has engrained that trait in me. But my concern is over powering everything that I am. It's making me spastic.

I stand back up and start pacing again. Master Splinter sighs but doesn't say anything.

With every passing second, I am more and more sure that something is wrong.

The shivers of fear won't stop and my stomach keeps twisting. It's similar to the feeling I get when I drink too much coffee. Anxious isn't even a close enough word to describe it. It's starting to boil over.

I can feel the break down threatening me in the pit of my stomach.

* * *

(Mikey)

The blow never comes. I hear a loud clang and I force my eyes to open. The Ninja's sword is shoved upwards and away. A familiar pair of Katanas shield me.

Leo!

Oh thank god! I release the heavy breath I was holding and all feeling comes rushing back into my body.

Leo stands in between me and the black Ninja; both the tips of his Katanas' brush against the ground. A silent exchange passes between them before they charge at each other. Within less than a minute Leo disarms the black Ninja and it takes even fewer seconds to knock him unconscious.

I look down at the now defeated Ninja. Rough day for him.

"Bout freaking time!" I hear Raph shout. I look towards the mob and while half the Ninjas' lay on the ground, quite a few remain.

Leo ignores him and gives me a swift look. I almost jump from the fierce expression on his face. His eyes are ablaze with anger and fear. Similar to Raph's only minutes ago. If looks could kill…

"You alright?" He asks. Despite his body language and expression, his voice is rather calm and collected.

I nod my head yes.

A strange battle cry fills the air and a masked human joins the party. He immediately dives in the middle of the fight near Raph. The mask is all white with strange eyes and black holes. I can see the black hair flying around it. He holds a hockey stick high above his head and he starts whacking Ninjas to and fro. To my relief he is on our side.

It doesn't take long for the three of them to take care of the rest and soon the bodies litter the rooftops. We all look around and I can hear the quick breathing from Raph and the human. The human slaps a hand on Raphs shoulder.

"You good?" He asks and uses the other hand to push the mask off. Oh! It's Casey! They didn't tell me he could fight. His fighting wasn't Ninjitsu but it seemed to work well. Leo stands in front of me and holds out a hand. I take it and he pulls me back on my feet. I flinch from the pain. He notices but doesn't say anything. His eyes are still burning.

"Fine." Raph shrugs than glares at Leo. "What took you so long?" He grumbles.

"We got here as fast as we could; we were half way across town." Leo explains calmly.

"Looks like we got here just in time." Casey nods and glances at me. I shift uncomfortably. Raph grabs Leo's shoulder harshly and turns him. Their conversation is blocked off; they don't want me to hear. It leaves me standing awkwardly next to Casey. He gives me a bashful smile and rubs a hand through his hair.

I notice a fast movement behind Casey and gasp. These guys just don't know how to stay down! A Ninja reaches his hand out to grab Casey and I awkwardly launch forward. I punch him as hard as I can. The Ninja groans and falls back to the ground.

It catches the attention of my brothers and Casey. They look at me with surprise.

"Hey, nice shot." Casey cheers. I give them a brilliant smile.

* * *

(Leo)

The way home is silent. Raph and I are on full alert. The Foot clans are like ants, if there's one group there's usually another. Even when we reach the sewers I stay close to Mikey's side while Raph walks in front and Casey trails behind.

Mikey is limping pretty hard but he's trying to hide it. We almost lost him tonight, again. I didn't tell Raph about the close call, I knew he would blame himself for something that was out of his control. Guess that's one thing Raph and I have in common.

I can still sense the underlying feeling of distress from Mikey but he seems to be feeling better. I think the fight distracted his thoughts. I know we need talk to him about running away but I understand why he did.

"Mikey." I clear my throat. He looks up at me with his bright blue eyes. My words get caught in my throat when I notice a certain light in his eyes, something I haven't seen in a long time.

"We have to talk."

The light fades and he frowns. I have to replace the feelings of guilt with logic. I have to say something; it's my obligation as a brother and a leader.

"I already gave him a stern yelling, very Leo-like." Raph informs me. I flinch at his words. I do not yell I— I snarl when I realize he's teasing me.

"And I promised him that I would never go to the surface alone." Mikey nods frantically.

"I—good." I take a deep breath. "But I mean we need to talk about what caused you to run away."

Raph glances at me from over his shoulder.

"Oh." Mikey mummers.

A cell phone blares and we all jump from the sudden interruption. Both Raph and I are halfway to our weapons before we notice it's just Casey's phone. He sighs and stops to answer it.

"Hey babe." It's April. "Yeah we found him. No he's fine. We just ran into some Foot and— Yes we are all fine." Casey mutters off responses. He stops walking and puts his hand on his hip. He quickly is falling behind.

"Can you not walk and talk?" Raph asks with the usual amount of sass.

"You guys keep going, I'll catch up! What? Oh no I was talking to the guys."

"Geez." Raph shakes his head.

We keep moving. Raph is slightly ahead of us and is getting farther. I have to slow down to match Mikey's speed. His limping is increasingly getting worse.

"You need help?" I ask.

"No." He growls.

"I didn't ask if you wanted help, I asked if you needed it."

"I'm fine."

"Don't be stubborn. You'll only make it worse." I point out. He frowns and throws me an odd look. I take a deep breath and smile.

"And you know that means longer Physical therapy with Donnie."

He stops, looks at me, and with a sigh of defeat slides an arm over my shoulder. I bit my tongue to hide my grin. He leans heavily on me, using me to support at least half his weight. Water from the sewers leaks down his arm making my grip slippery. I reposition myself to get a better hold. He flinches hard and pulls his shoulder away from me. What the heck? We both stop and stare at each other.

"Are you hurt?" I ask. Raph stops short and turns around.

"I don't think so." Mikey shrugs. He isn't lying; he too is confused at his reaction. Raph marches up to us and grabs Mikey's shell to keep him from turning away. He examines the shoulder

"Why are you always covered in blood?" I hear Raph growl quietly. It's dark in the sewers but there's just enough light to see a deep laceration on his shoulder.

"Oh, I forgot about that." Mikey takes his turn to look. Raph growls and shakes his head.

"I'll let Donnie know." I sigh and flip my shell cell from my belt.

* * *

(Donnie)

_Mikey should have called in by now. I look my cell shell for the hundredth time. It's getting late and he should have contacted us._

_I have a feeling that something isn't right. I can't shake it. I've learned throughout the years that my gut is rarely wrong._

_I look over and Raph is still seething from the earlier argument with Leo. He wants to be alone; he's in one of those "don't even look at me or I will kill you" moods. I approach him and as soon as I take a step towards him he glares._

"_Donnie. Now is not the time." He warns me but I don't care. This is more important than his petty mood._

"_Have you heard from Mikey?" I ask carefully._

"_He went to the surface." He shrugs._

"_I know but he's been gone a while." I say._

"_Well some of us like to be left alone." He growls. I narrow my eyes and keep my annoyance under control._

"_It's been over three hours Raph. He should have at least called by now and checked in."_

_I finally see a hint of concern in his eyes. He shifts from the sudden change in emotion._

"_Well he hasn't tried to contact me. Ask Leo." He suggests. I can feel myself growing pale and my gut is now screaming at me. Something is very very wrong. I already asked Leo._

"_Leo hasn't heard from him either."_

_Raph whips his gaze up to me. Fear now surrounding his entire presence._

"_I'm sure he's fine. He can look out for himself." He says. I'm not sure if he's trying to assure me or himself. Probably both._

"_Something doesn't feel right. He should have called." I say again. I take out my shell-cell and call. I wait until the line goes completely dead. I watch Raph as I slowly put my arm down. His eyes are wide and he suddenly springs up from his chair and marches towards the door._

"_Where are you going?"_

"_Where do you think? I'm going to find that bonehead, drag him back home, and scream at him for pulling something like."_

_I follow quickly on his heels._

"I just got off the phone with Casey," A feminine voice pulls me out of my memory. "He said they ran into some trouble but everyone is fine and they are on their way back." April announces as she returns from the kitchen. She has two mugs of tea in her hand. She gives one to Splinter and he thanks her. She holds out the other to me.

"No thank you." I decline.

"Drink it; you'll feel better." She urges. I sigh and take it out of her hands.

"Thanks." I nod. I don't take a sip but I appreciate the thought. She eyes my cup and frowns.

"Relax Donnie; they are on their way back." She tries to comfort me.

"I won't be able to relax until I see them standing in front of me." I say harsher than I intended. She nods her head and sits down next to Splinter. She pats his hand and they give each other an odd look. I narrow my eyes at them and watch closely.

My shell cell startles me with the blaring tone and I almost drop my cup of tea.

Oh god. What happened? Knowing our luck nothing good!

"Leo? What happened? Is everything alright?" The concern in my voice is heavy and dripping. I put my cup down on the table.

"_We are okay. Everything is fine. We ran into trouble and Mikey has a gash on his arm. I'm calling ahead so you can be ready to patch him up."_

I knew it! I had a bad feeling all along that something was wrong! I just knew it! 'Everything is fine. Oh by the way Mikey may be dying.' It's really fine though. Honestly.

"Where? How deep is it? Is he still bleeding?" I ask.

"_His arm, fairly deep, and yes. Donnie relax, it's nothing you can't handle. He will be fine."_

If one more person tells me to relax I swear…

"Just hurry and please be car—hello?" I growl and shove the cell back in my belt.

"What happened?" April asks.

"He hung up me!" I shout.

"I meant what happened with the guys? Is someone hurt? I just got off the phone with Casey less than five minutes ago and they were all—."

"Mikey got hurt and is bleeding. Couldn't they have called sooner? And how did they not notice that he was injured before? It's not like blood is a different color or anything!"

"Donnie I think you might be over reacting. If they say he's okay than he's probably okay. Leo would tell you if something was really wrong." April defends.

I know I'm over reacting. I can hear myself being ridiculous but I can't stop it. This whole thing has me spooked. It's way too close to the feeling I had the first time. The panic in my heart is too much. Even now, when I know he's okay, it's still too much. I grab the tall lamp near me and throw it. The light shatters loudly, creating tension. I freeze and stare at it in shock. Why did I do that?

"Donatello!" Splinter snaps and I look at him. April's mouth is open and her eyes are wide. Splinter is tense and his face is tight. "Enough." He says. I don't know how he manages to make his tone both stern and gentle. I feel my cheeks burn red with embarrassment. I am acting like child.

"I'll go get my med-kit." I mutter and stalk towards the lab. I can feel their eyes bore at my shell.

* * *

(Leo)

When we walk in the lair I finally feel the relief I've been craving. He's safe.

April comes running up and stops herself from practically pouncing on Mikey. She smiles brightly.

"Oh thank god you are okay!"

Mikey grins bashfully.

"I'm sorry if I caused some stress." He says softly.

"That is the understatement of a lifetime." I hear Raph mumble.

"Where's Donnie?" I ask her.

"In the lab." She says shortly and I frown.

"Where are you hurt?" She asks Mikey and follows the trail of blood. She gazes intently at the gash on his shoulder.

"This looks pretty deep. What happened?"

"The Foot clan surprised us." Raph answers.

"Thankfully you guys were with him."

"Yeah, thankfully." I repeat. The image of Mikey on the ground flashes in mind. If I came a second later…no I can't think about it. The fact is I wasn't a second late; the fact is that he is fine. Thinking of what would have been will only make me feel worse.

"You better get him patched up. Donnie was a bit frantic so I'm sure he's itching to see you all."

"He seemed a little high-strung." I conclude and guide Mikey towards the lab. April puts a hand on my shoulder and stops me. I look back at her and her eyes are dark with warning.

"Don't tease. Not right now." She advises.

"I wasn't teasing April." I search her face. I then look over her shoulder and see one of the standing lamps lying on the floor in the midst of broken glass.

"Did something happen?" I ask.

"He uh, panicked." Is all she says. I look over at Raph and he gives me a knowing nod. Donnie's normally pretty good in crisis situations. But ever since Mikey was taken he tends to go off the edge.

Casey walks into the Lair a second later and April walks over to meet him. Raph and I lead Mikey to the lab. When we push open the door Donnie is messing with some medical tools. He looks up at us and doesn't say anything. He walks straight up to Mikey and examines the wound.

He doesn't speak a word.

Mikey looks extremely uncomfortable. We watch as Donnie cleans the wound and starts stitching him up.

"Mikey we have to talk." I finally say to break the silence. Mikey nods his head but doesn't respond.

"You have every right to be upset and I won't pretend to understand what it was like," I say,  
"but you aren't under their control anymore."

"My freedom is because of them." He snaps bitterly. I'm not sure how I'm going to get him past this.

"Leonardo." I turn at the sound of Splinters voice. He walks into the lab and I step back. Splinter walks up to him while Donnie continues to work.

"I am glad that you have returned home safely my son, but I can see your adventure to the surface has not changed your feelings."

He doesn't say anything.

"You believe that because they let you go, your freedom has lost all meaning. That is a far from the truth. There are many unanswered questions to why this happened to you but do not question what fate has done; accept its gift of freedom so you can focus on healing. You are home Michelangelo and that is what matters." Splinter counsels.

Mikey stares intently at Splinter. I can see the wheels in his head processing. Eventually he nods his head.

"I understand."

Donnie soon after finishes the stitching and puts a bandage over the shoulder.

"Done." He says and puts away the medical tools. He snaps the lid shut and starts to walk out of the lab.

"Where are you going?" Raph asks.

"I have a mess to clean up." Donnie mutters as he leaves.

* * *

(Raph)

I lean against the wall and twirl my Sai. Donnie has been hiding in his lab working on the toaster all day. How long does it take to fix a broken toaster?

"What do you want Raph?" He asks. He never turned around but he knew I was there.

"My annoying branic brother." I say bluntly.

"Excuse me?" He looks up at me with a confused expression. The goggles make his eyes ten times bigger. He looks like a dork.

"Heard you freaked out and threw a lamp. I've never thrown a lamp before but I have kicked multiple chairs."

His giant eyes narrow and he scowls.

"That isn't funny."

"I didn't say it was." I shrug.

"Then just say what you want to say and stop beating around the bush about it." He sighs and puts down everything. He swivels around in his chair and waits for me to speak. I watch him. Leo thinks that Donnie is still struggling with his erratic emotions. And because of the events of last night he has proof of that. I on the other hand think it was just a bad night for everyone; we were all erratic at one point. Even Fearless was close to a meltdown. Splinter knows that too.

When Donnie was going through that weird phase after we brought Mikey home, I could see the sadness and hopelessness in his eyes. I noticed the slouch in his shoulders and the forced smiles. As I look at him now I just see his embarrassment and frustration. His head is held high and I don't see the same distress in his face.

This freak out was just a onetime thing.

"Yeah, your fine."

"Of course I'm fine." He mutters.

"No I mean you panicked a little but there is nothing wrong with you. We all were thrown off our game the other day, that's all."

Donnie sighs, pushes up his goggles, and rubs his eyes.

"It just felt too familiar…"

"I know." I knew exactly what he meant.

"You know, the past seven months has changed me somehow. I never used to handle my emotions with such force. Heck I used to pride myself on being so level headed." He admits.

"You still are."

"The lamp would disagree."

"It's just with Mikey. I think we all have grown touchy when it concerns Mikey. I know I have."

"Maybe."

"Trust me Donnie, don't over think this. You are fine."

He nods his head.

"Thanks Raph."

"Sure." I shrug. "Hey, why have you been working on that toaster for so long? I'm not even sure if that qualifies as a toaster anymore."

Donnie looks down at his project and grins.

"I'm making it Raph proof." He teases.

"I told you. It broke itself."

His brows raise and he tilts his head to the side.

"There were holes. Someone stabbed it."

"Yeah well…you broke a lamp."

Donnie glares at me and I chuckle.

"Are you going to hold this above my head forever?" He groans.

"I'm insulted you would think otherwise."


	19. Chapter 19: Sensei

**Holy crap. So I would have had this done sooner but guess what? My laptop went crazy and I lost the entire chapter literally a couple sentences before I was done with it. So I had to rewrite it completely and that was so discouraging. Still I push on. I liked the first draft better but I think it turned out alright in the end.**

**Thank you all for reviews, fave/follows, and readers! C: I appreciate you all more than you know.**

_A month and two weeks since freed from captivity_

(Raph)

"Are you sure he won't be mad?"

"Positive." I appease him. He still looks uncertain.

"Come on, trust me." I cup my hands together. He sighs and places a foot in my hands. I lift him up and he stands on my shoulders.

"Will this work?" He asks.

"Oh yeah." I hide my devious grin. Mikey grumbles as he shoves Donnie's Bo Staff into the large crack in the wall. It barely fits and more than half of the Staff sticks out. I help him off my shoulders and we look up to examine our work. It's definitely high enough that Donnie won't be able to reach it.

"And he won't be mad?" He asks for the hundredth time.

I chuckle, "Maybe a little."

I pull up two chairs and face them towards the Staff stuck in the wall. I sit down in one of the chairs and cross my leg over the other. I put my hands behind my head and lean back.

"Come on, we have front row seats." I nod to the chair next to me. He hesitantly walks towards me. It's been a week since the whole catastrophe of Mikey running away. Things have quickly calmed down and it has been surprisingly easy.

"Tell me again why we are purposely making him mad?" He inquires as he plops down in the chair.

"Because it's fun! He won't really be mad, more annoyed." I slide a quick glance at him from the corner of my eyes. "You used to do stuff like this to me all the time."

"I did?" His brow quirks.

"Constantly."

"Why?"

I take a deep breath looking for a good answer. There really wasn't any _why_ Mikey used to mess with us, he just did. It was who he was. But that isn't an explanation that this Mikey would be satisfied with. At least not right now.

I remember a time when his antics irritated me. Sometimes they were fun but more often than not they just pissed me off. In his absence, or should I say abduction, I dreadfully wished that he would come home and tell us all it was an elaborate prank. Of course than I would have been furious, but at least he would have been okay, at least he would have been the same.

After a noticeable moment of silence and a growing suspicion from Mikey, I smile cheekily at him.

"Because I was your favorite brother."

"Don't spread lies Raphael." I hear Leo call out as he walks up behind us. I tilt my head backwards to look at him. He crosses his arms and a small smile graces his lips. I grin and wink at him. He stands next to our chairs and looks up at the Bo Staff, not at all surprised with recent developments.

"Well, I guess we needed a new wall decoration." Leo mutters.

"What do we do now?" Mikey wonders as he glances up.

"We wait." I explain.

"How'd you get it up there?" Leo asks.

"I had help." I gesture to Mikey. Leo looks at him and he offers a shy smile. Leo slowly beams.

"Raph said Donnie wouldn't be mad." He shrugs. There's a glimmer of excitement in his voice, or maybe that's just anxiety.

"Mmm, don't spread lies Raphael." Leo murmurs again.

As if on cue Donnie comes out of his lab. He doesn't notice our odd arrangement at first but when he does his twinkling eyes turn suspicious. He glares back and forth between Leo and I.

"What are you guys up to?" He queries.

None of us reply but we all look up at his staff and he follows our gazes. His jaw slacks open and his eyes widen in disbelief. When realization snaps in his mind and he glares at all three of us.

I grin in return.

"Real mature." Donnie laments.

I shrug my shoulders innocently but he ignores me. His frown deepens and his brows furrow as he takes a minute to calculate the height. We watch him study the situation for a solid minute before he backs up. He gives it a running start and he jumps high but his fingers barely brush the wood. He lands gracefully with only a soft thud. He sulks up at the Bo. I start clapping my hands together slowly.

"A strong 7." I tease.

"Eh his landing was sloppy." Leo joins in. Donnie throws a hissing glare at us.

"Seriously?" He cautions.

Leo offers one of his unique mischievous grins. One that scarily resembles Mikey's old charming smiles.

"You know what? I'll give you a 10 for effort." Leo says with such a straight face I actually laugh.

"Oh your charity won't go unnoticed." Donnie spits out sarcastically. He stands up straight with his head held high. Spinning on his heels he stalks back towards his lab. I sit up in my chair with dread, is the humiliation over already?

"Where are you going?" I practically whine.

"I will not continue jumping up and down like a dog for your amusement. I will get the ladder."

I slowly turn and look up at Leo.

"We have a ladder?" I ask. Leo just shrugs. Donnie is nothing if not resourceful.

Mikey fidgets a little next to me. I kind of forgot he was here he was being so quiet. I turn and he is grinning ear to ear with laughter in his bright eyes.

"This is kind of fun!" He admits.

* * *

(Mikey)

"You are not focused."

Ugh. I sprawl backwards and sigh. I feel like I've been at this for hours and I've gotten nowhere! My brain is starting to melt from all this concentrating.

"It is a lot more difficult than you originally thought, is it not?" Splinter smiles. Boy that's an understatement; it's not easy at all! Even the position isn't that comfortable, my feet are going numb!

"Is it always this hard?" I ask as I push myself back into position.

"No, it will become easier with practice. However you have always struggled with meditation." He replies honestly.

"I thought you said I was a good Ninja?" I ask, feeling the prick of hurt pride.

"You all have your strengths and weaknesses. For you meditation was not your best skill." He explains. He clears his throat and straightens his back.

"Now, try again." He encourages.

I nod my head once before closing my eyes. I take a deep breath, letting the air slowly exhale. I need to even my breathing. It's too fast. I need to stop fidgeting. It's too distracting. I need to focus.

Focusing…and I'm focusing… and nothing. I grunt out of frustration after another five minutes pass.

"This is dumb I can't do this." I sigh.

"Patience my son."

"I've BEEN patient Splinter! It's not working." I snap. My cheeks heat from mortification, I didn't mean to bark at him like that. This is just so frustrating. Unlike fighting, meditation is not coming back to me quite so easily. I keep asking when they will let me train with them again. Donnie says my leg still needs healing and rest and Splinter tells me that there are other important aspects of Ninjtisu that I must learn. I just want to do something I am good at, that I am familiar with. I want to do something that I remember.

"Michelangelo. Have you no faith in yourself?" He scolds.

I flinch at the name. I turn my head in embarrassment and shame. I look down and my eyes catch on the only scars I care to keep covered. The bandages around my wrists and forearms, a constant reminder of what I went through, of what I did to myself.

No, I don't have faith in myself. He can call me Michelangelo all he wishes but I am not him. We both know that.

"I have no faith." I whisper. I am too ashamed to look him in the eyes, I don't want to see the hurt and sorrow within them. He still mourns for me, for the lost parts he won't ever get back. While my brothers still hold on to hope for the old Mikey to return, Splinter knows that I have been changed. I cannot go back to who I was, no matter how hard I will try. And I will try, fruitless it may be.

I feel a gentle hand on my good shoulder and my head snaps up to meet his gaze. Instead of hurt and sorrow in his eyes I see determination and pride. I am taken back by the storms of fatherly love in his eyes.

"I have faith in you, my son."

I am left in silence and shock. I gaze up at him longingly. I don't understand how he can love that much, I don't see why he still chooses to care for a hopeless cause. He alone knows the truly broken parts of my soul. Yet still he decides to love me. It is a gift and I am unworthy of it.

But I am not fool enough to refuse it.

"Thank you, Father." I whisper.

A hint of a smile graces his lips. He takes his hand back and places it on his knee.

"Let us try once more and then I shall let you rest."

I nod my head before taking a deep breath once again. I close my eyes. I can do this, I just need to concentrate.

Have faith. I keep repeating to myself. Have faith.

* * *

(Donnie)

I observe my opponent carefully for he may be the only one who can match me in skill. He is smart, discreet, and extremely cunning. I need to be wary and watch for any sign of a surprise maneuvers. He's going to have a good strategy, he always does. I stare into his cold eyes, looking for any hint to his plan. He slowly reaches forwards and my muscles tense in anticipation. I must be ready for anything. He moves.

Then he leans back in his chair and continues to stare at me.

Interesting.

"Chess is so boring." A voice intrudes my thoughts. I don't even bother to suppress glaring at Raph who now stands over the table. Leo sits across from me and doesn't even acknowledge our hot headed brother's existence.

"Then it's a good thing you aren't playing." I mutter.

"Well it's boring to watch too."

"Then don't watch it." I growl and make my move, sliding a piece forwards.

"This is the reason why board games are called bored games." Raph rolls his eyes. Pft, he's proud of that one I can tell.

"Actually, it's because we use a board to play." I correct him even though I know he was being facetious. Raph's brow quirks in an 'really' kind of gesture.

"Now please either go away or stop talking." I wave him away. Thankfully, he actually does stop prattling on…for about thirty seconds.

"Uno! Now that's a fun a game." He snaps his fingers and nods.

"Rapheal. Please be quiet."

"Leo doesn't seem to mind." He crosses his arms and smirks.

"Probably because you are distracting me." I murmur.

Leo doesn't comment but he grins. I narrow my eyes at him, what is he smiling about? Leo moves his bishop. I study the board closely, what is his angle?

I reach out to move my rook.

"I wouldn't do that." Raph declares. I frown at him.

"What do you know about chess?"

"Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I don't know how to play." He points out.

I feel my eye twitch with annoyance. I glare so harshly at him I'm shocked his head doesn't explode. I continue scowling as I grab my rook firmly and move it anyways just to spite him. He shakes his head and tsks at me.

"Bad move Brainiac." He pities.

"Check." Leo says blandly.

WHAT!? My eyes snap down to examine the board. How? When? What? When did that happen? I don't remember Leo even moving there?

I then look between Leo and Raph, both of which are smirking.

Oh. I see now.

"He put you up to this didn't he?" I ask Raph. Raphael grins proudly and leans in closer.

"The best part is he didn't even have to pay me, I volunteered." He confesses. Leo leans back in his chair with a giant grin on his face, a grin I want to rip off. Is it Pick on Donnie Day or something? For goodness sakes!

How can I turn this against them? How can I make something out of their scheme? Oh I know. I relax my shoulders and give them my best smile.

"Well, I'm flattered that it had to take a distraction to best me. Couldn't face me one on one with just our wits eh Leo?"

Leo and Raph both stop smiling quite so big.

"That's not what—" Leo starts to speak.

"Flattered." I cut him off. "And technically you haven't won yet." I point out. Check does not mean it's over. I push my one remaining bishop in front of my King to block him off from the threat. Leo narrows his eyes and folds his hands together.

"You sure you want to keep playing Donnie?" He baits me.

"A real warrior never quits!" I point at him.

"Did you just quote Kung-Fu Panda?" Raph asks.

"Yes, I liked that movie. We can watch it again." I remind him. Leo studies the board with a new fierce determination. I too feel a second wind coming. I'm so going to kick his-

"NOO!"

A shout from the Dojo startles us. We are up and out of our seats in a matter of seconds. When we burst through the doors we find Mikey sprawled on the ground and Master Splinter leaning over him.

* * *

_The flames lick the walls and shadows of red dance across the floor. I don't know how long I've been in here but everything is starting to fade. My father, my brothers, I don't remember the sounds of their voices. I can't recall the way they move or talk. I can't even see their faces anymore; it's all starting to wane. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't know how much strength I have left._

_"Bow to me." Red commands. His voice is gruff and demanding. I don't move. I just stare down at the chains digging into my freshly cut wrists. He waltz around me, circling me as a form of intimidation. I keep my calm, I do not intimidate easily._

_"I said bow!" He growls. I still refuse him; I will not bow._

_He clicks a button and electric shocks run down my spine starting from the collar around my neck. I choke on the electricity and can't breathe. I fall to the ground scratching and grabbing at my throat. I desperately try to rip the collar off but the shocks only fly though my fingertips and burn. The pulsing heat runs up and down my body. I open my mouth to groan but my lungs are on fire._

_The shocks stop, leaving my lungs gasping for air and my skin sizzling._

_A strong hand grabs my shell and forces me back on my feet. He gets close to my face and I'm met with the red mask, I flinch._

_"I am your master."_

_How dare he?_

_I spit in his face._

_He growls and throws me back on the ground harshly. He clicks the button again and this time the shocks last longer. I twist and turn, looking for an escape but there isn't one. There is never an escape; I will always be in pain._

_When he ends the shocks I lay on the cold ground weary of this game. If I bow, maybe the pain will stop. But that's trading in my pride and dignity for relief. Is it worth it? I don't know. I'm so tired. He pulls me up again, the chains on my wrist clanking together._

_"Bow." He demands. I still find the grit to refuse. This time however his anger gets the best of him. Instead of the collar he lashes out with his fist. He contacts me hard in the eye and I fall backwards. I can't break my fall because of my shackled hands and land bitterly on the shadowed floor._

_I lay still with an aching head. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I don't know how much more I can last. All of this torture and I still don't know why they are doing this. I don't know understand what they want. They never even asked me questions._

_I'm just so tired._

_I close my eyes and take a deep breath._

_I reach out into the voided plane, searching for anyone or anything. Even a spec of light or hope, I just need something familiar. I've tried to use meditation and the spiritual plane before to contact my brothers or Splinter. But I have been unsuccessful thus far._

_I wasn't the greatest with meditation; I never had the patience for it. In these past weeks of sitting in a cell with a constant state of anxiety and distress, I really wished I practiced a little more._

_Master Splinter. Father._

_I cry out into the world. Tears prick my eyes but I refuse to let Red see me cry. I miss him. I miss all of them. I would give anything to see them again. Even once more just so I could study their faces. I don't want to forget them, I need them._

_Please._

_I reach out into the void once more and __I feel an overwhelming warmth brush my mind. A faint connection with a spirit, with Splinter. My rush of excitement is quickly subdued by the exhaustion in my soul._

_"Sensei, I don't know if I can go on." I whisper. I wait for any kind of response but I never get one. Instead a hand grabs my throat and rips me out of concentration. The warmth leaves almost as quickly as it came. My heart sinks into the pit of stomach as if the last hope I ever had has been squished out forever. The connection is broken._

_"Bow to your master." Red spits at me. Please leave me alone. I am so tired of fighting, of waiting._

_But then...out of no where my pain goes away. A tingling of power runs up my fingertips and I straighten my back. I tilt my head up and stare him squarely in the eyes, Red mask be damned. I feel a new strength bubbling up inside me, a strength that is not my own. It's a fresh and overwhelming push of life and courage._

_"You do not own me." I speak every word clearly, boldly. Red is momentarily shocked at my sudden show of strength. He must have known he was wearing me down. Not anymore he isn't._

_"I said bow!" Red shouts furiously. Frustration and anger flowing out of him in waves._

_"NO!" I scream at him definitely. A fire runs through my blood and bursts out of me. I cannot fail when I have my family._

_Red doesn't hesitate to pounce on top of me. He starts slamming his fists into my face. I try to bring my shackled hands up to defend myself. He continues until my face is bloody and my eyes are swollen shut. The force of his blows aren't enough beat out Splinters strength in me. However they are enough to knock me unconscious._

"Mikey snap out of it!" I hear a familiar voice. The desperation in his tone tells me he has been trying to get me to wake up for a while. I take a moment to figure out where I am. I am in the dojo, I was trying to meditate before I got pulled into another memory. I re-lived a part of my captivity. Except this time, I don't feel discouraged from the past. In fact I am proud and I am humbled. All this time, I thought I was alone but I wasn't.

When I open my eyes his is the first face I see, Splinter. I quickly sit up and glance around me. All my brothers hover with deep concern. I am breathing heavily as my thoughts race. I stand up and stare in admiration at my father. My brothers watch in confusion.

He was with me. The entire time in that asylum when I thought I was alone, every time I was about to give up, he gave me his strength. I never understood why I kept fighting but now i know it was because he kept pushing me to. I never would have survived without him.

"Sensei."

I bow.

**Alrighty tis all for now! Again I apologize for the lateness. This chapter was light and I hope it turned out okay. Review please and thank you! You are all amazing.**


	20. Chapter 20: Donatello

**Hello my friends! I would like to thank everyone who reviewed espically my guest reviewers whom I cannot personally thank! You all are awesome!**

**I have an allusion in this chapter about assault, this is a trigger warning. It isn't detailed but I want everyone to be comfortable while reading my work. **

**Enjoy! C: **

**_Two months since freed from Captivity_**

_Time blurs together and the days are ongoing. I don't know how long I've been trapped in this hell hole but I know it's been weeks, maybe even months. I can feel my mind slowly slipping into insanity. __I can feel my will bending with every breath I take. I stare into the brightness above me until my eyes water from the raw light. Only my wrists are strapped to the table today giving my head the ability to move. My chin drops to my side and I wait until the black dots leave me alone. _

_I watch him, the man wearing the purple mask. I don't understand what they are trying to do to me.I don't understand why they just won't kill me. What use am I to them? Are they just evil men who want to inflect evil on others? _

_ They are meaning to copy my family. That much is obvious with the masks. Are they mocking me? Is this some kind of perverse torture? This man in particular is representing..._

_He's representing my brother...oh my god. _

_What is his name? _

_My heart sinks into my stomach and I gasp. I shut my eyes and grit my teeth, come on what's his name!? _

_Oh god. What is his name? Oh my god. I can't remember. Why can't I remember? I dive deep into my memories and I can draw a perfect picture of him. His skin is slightly paler than mine and we are relativity the same height but his muscles are slightly leaner. I can see his face clearly, his warm brown eyes that gleam with sheer intelligence yet such gentleness. His peaceful grin that has always soothed my doubts and the sly smile he has whilst engaging in wit or retaliating with his abundance of sass. I remember that he's a genius, an engineer. I remember he is slightly pacifistic and only fights when he has to or as a last resort. I remember the way he indulgences my antics and even on occasion joins them. I recall the eye roll and twitchy frown he gives me when I annoy the daylights out of him and the sigh when he loves me despite it. I remember he is my best friend, but I can't think of his name._

_Leo, Raph, and...I can't remember. Why? I don't understand. Did I know it yesterday? When Did I forget? How could I forget? _

_No. This can't be happening. He's my brother, my best friend. How? I feel tears swaying my eyes and I choke on the dread coming up from my stomach. I am losing family, I am losing myself. I can feel them seeping through my mind like sand between fingers. How long will it take for me to forget all of them? How long will it take for me to forget myself? Where I came from? My sanity is running out of time._

_ I wish they would kill me. I wish they would end it now because I would rather die than live without knowing them. _

_My heart tears itself apart and I know I am going to throw up. I have to throw up. _

_What is his name? _

_Footsteps slap against the ground and I open my eyes. I blink a couple times and realize that Purple is now walking towards me. _

_Fear streams throughout my body. I can feel it moving in my bloodstream and I start to tremble. I can't help it anymore, they did something to me. They have taken fear and made it my life. __I notice the long needle in his hand smiling at me. I don't know what's in it. I don't know what it will do. He grins, a sadistic and evil grin. He shoves the needle into my arm and I cringe at the poke. I watch the syringe empty the liquid into my body. My blood feels dirty. _

_What is his name? _

"Donnie!" A shout from across the Lair echos off the walls. It snaps me out of the memory and I feel wetness on my cheeks. I brush off tears, when did I start crying? When did I start remembering? I look down and notice the army of comic books surrounding me. One is open in my lap, an X-men comic featuring Wolverine. A human drawn artfully in one of the strips holds a large needle and I cringe.

Oh.

"Donnie!" Raph calls again as he moves towards the middle of the Lair. I peek my head up over the couch and watch as Raph's eyes drag all over the place, looking for Donnie I presume.

Donatello. That is his name. I take a deep breath and try to push away the tormented feelings the vivid memory left me. They did something to me, they made me forget. I knew that before. My brothers told me that they injected me with drugs repeatedly so I couldn't remember. Donnie even admitted that he did not know how much damage to my brain they caused and it is unknown how much of my memory will be restored.

Donnie stumbles out of his room and rubs his eyes. He was sleeping.

"Someone called?" He yawns.

"I need help with my engine, can you give me a hand?" Raph asks. Donnie stretches dramatically with his arms high above his head and his body arching, he smirks.

"Whats this? I'm allowed to touch your precious bike? I must still be dreaming." He teases. Raph glares but only a corner of his mouth dips into a frown.

"Don't get too excited. I just need an extra set of hands." He grumbles.

"Donatello." I startle both of them. I just need to say it out loud. I need reassurance. Both brothers look at me.

"You need something Mikey?" Don inquires.

"Your name is Donatello." I repeat softly. Raph and Don exchange a look of confusion. Donnie walks towards me and kneels down.

"You okay Mike?" He asks. I look away from his worried eyes and stare down at the X-men.

"Memory." I mumble as quietly as I can but he still manages to hear me. He glances at the comic in my lap and he carefully pulls it away. He has told me before that some things could trigger memories of my captivity. Unfortunately I don't know what those triggers are.

"What do you remember?" He asks. They always ask nowadays and I usually tell them. It's good for me to say it out loud, I realize that now. But this, how can I tell him this? How can I look him in the eye and tell him that I forgot him? That I know when I started losing my family, myself. That was when Michelangelo started to truly die. Without them I don't want to live. How can I? It was true then and it is true even now.

I shake my head and Donnie, the gracious brother that he is, doesn't press me. He puts a hand on my shoulder and smiles.

"Let's go out and get some air. Okay?" He suggests. My heart leaps out of excitement, I love venturing into the city. However the weather has dropped dramatically and since the snow began to fall they haven't let me outside the Lair.

"Isn't it too cold now?" I ask hoping that it isn't. Donnie thinks for a second and shrugs.

"We'll take coats. Come on it'll be good for all of us." He glances over his shoulder at Raph.

"I'll go grab Leo." Raph mutters.

* * *

(Donnie)

We stand on the icy roof top and take in the fresh air. In the dead of winter we have to wear large coats to keep warm. Every New Yorker does of course because of the frosty winters but our cold-bloodiness can complicate matters. Raph is complaining about the coats, he always does. However I don't mind them so much. I find them cozy and comforting and forgive me if I'd rather be a wuss and warm than a badass and freezing. Splinter has banned us from getting into any kind of fights or trouble while escorting Mikey around the city and it is a rule we have no problem following. We all keep a close eye on Mikey anyways. It's too close for his likeness but it has become instinct.

We are in the perfect position, one of my favorite roofs actually. It's just across the edge of downtown and the skyline is in perfect view. We watch the city roar with life even in the midst of the freezing cold. The city is even more beautiful with the white coating on the tops of tall buildings, icing to a cake as Mikey used to say.

Mikey is obviously enjoying the view. His eyes are bright with enthusiasm and I bet he can't even feel the frost nipping his face. I am a slightly distressed that he wouldn't discuss his memory earlier this evening. Lately he has been very talkative about the events of his abduction but sometimes, the really bad ones, he will stay silent. He wouldn't even tell me what triggered it. This is the only thing I could think of to help him, the fresh air.

Movement out of the corner of my eye makes my fingers twitch but it's just Raph. He begins pacing across the roof probably trying to keep the blood flowing.

"I hate the cold." He mutters.

"We all do Raph now sit still." I sigh and try to shove my hands deeper in my pockets. This is about the tenth time in five minutes he has complained about something.

"I can't, it's too cold." He growls again. I roll my eyes and look up at Leo for help. Leo opens his mouth to speak but he's cut off by a little yelp and a large thud. I turn completely around and find Raph laying on his shell. Underneath him is a bad patch of Ice.

"I told you to sit still." I chuckle. Raph glares at me and growls. He attempts to get up but slides back down and lands on his plastron. Leo and I share a laugh which just frustrates Raph even more. After a few more futile attempts Leo walks over to help him. Raph grabs onto Leo's coat and tries to pull himself up but his weight was too much.

"Raph wait! OOF!" Leo falls down next to him. I chuckle again.

"Leo!" Raph barks.

"Well it was YOUR fault! You're the one who pulled me down." Leo retorts. He tries to stand back up again by pushing on Raph's shell.

"Hold still and then I'll-" he slips and falls this time ontop of Raph, who in turn slams back down on the ice with Leo's weight on top.

"Watch it you Bonehead!" He yells.

"I'm sorry! It's a little slippery if you couldn't tell!" Leo snaps.

"How bout _I_ get up first. And then I'll help _you_."Raph recommends and starts using Leo to get up.

"No, I'm better balanced than you are." They both put too much pressure on each other. Raph slips once again and knocks Leo off his feet, they both land with a painful huff.

"Ice and turtles are not meant to coexist" I laugh out loud at the ridiculous scene. But I stop short when I hear another laugh joining me in my amusement. It's something I haven't heard in a long, long time. I missed it so much I had almost forgotten the sound. It's bubbly, light and carries through the wind. Both Leo and Raph glance up and stare behind me. I turn slowly and catch Mikey laughing his heart out. He doubles over as if in pain but his howls of delight say otherwise.

My heart is overjoyed. I begin to laugh again, more at the happiness of the moment than at my bumbling brothers. I soak up the sound of my brother and Leo and Raph are smiling too big for their faces to allow.

It's music to our ears.

* * *

(Raph)

It was the best day I have had in months. Mikey's laughter was something I wasn't sure I would ever hear again, I thought the bastards took away any joy that Mikey could ever feel. But the pure happiness that fumbled out of my brother was a thing to behold. Leo and I finally managed to get off the patch of ice, damn winter, and soaked in the laughter around us. We couldn't stop smiling, even after it came to a stop.

The sun is finally starting to disappear behind the city.

"Well, we should probably head home. We told Splinter we'd be back before dark." Leo reminds us.

"I could go for some hot coffee anyways." Donnie admits and shoves his hands further into his pockets. Yeah see, I'm not the only one who hates the cold. The three of them head towards the fire escape so Mikey can get down easily but I stay put.

"I think I'm going to visit Casey for a bit."

Leo nods his head.

"Alright, don't do anything stupid." He warns me.

"Me? Stupid?" I grin.

"It's more the 'You and Casey' that strikes fear in our hearts." Donnie clarifies with a small grin of his own.

"Don't worry, we aren't even looking for a fight tonight." I assure both of them and I can see the relief in their eyes. I know they don't love it when Casey and I go on our own version of patrols. They trust my skills and my common sense to not pick a fight we can't handle. However if the past eight months have taught us anything it's that we can't get too comfortable with the surface.

I wait until they completely disappear down to the alley below before I break off into a run. I have to watch my step as I leap across buildings, damn winter. The sun is completely gone by the time I reach April's place and it's even starting to lightly snow. I no longer feel the cold ache in my bones but a sweat drips down my neck. I take off my coat and throw one leg over the windowsill. I take one more look at the illuminated skyscrapers in the distance.

Although I hate winter, I have to admit it can be very lovely.

"Are you going to come in? Or are you trying to turn me into a Popsicle?" April teases. She lounges on the couch with a large bowl of popcorn.

"Definitely in, I hate the cold." I say for probably the hundreth time tonight. April smiles and I shut the window behind me.

"We all know Raph, you have a tendency to remind us all."

"Maybe if I say it enough winter will get offended and go away."

April chuckles.

"You're in a good mood. Are the other guys coming?" She asks very hopefully.

"No they had to take Mikey back before it got dark." I look around the place, "I figured Casey would be here."

"I'm hurt, you didn't come here to see me but my boyfriend."She pretends to pout.

I grin sheepishly, "You're the added bonus."

"Mhm you better save yourself. Do you want me to make you any hot chocolate or something?" she asks.

"I'm okay April thanks."

"I thought I heard complaining." Casey grins as he enters the living room. He stalks towards the fridge and opens it up. He leans inside and hollers at me, "You want a beer?"

"Why not." I shrug. I know Splinter would look down on drinking but I do enjoy the taste and it's not like I drink a lot. I only have one every once and awhile with Casey and I never seek it out.

"Casey! He is only Nineteen." April scolds.

"Babe relax."

"What would Splinter say?" She puts her hands on her hips and glares at both of us.

"One beer won't kill him. Come on, it's not that big of a deal." Casey tries to assuage her. She frowns and thinks hard for a strong minute. Then she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

"Fine but not in my house. If your going to drink you have to do it outdoors." She points towards the window. I groan.

"But it's cold. I hate the cold"

"That's my rule Raphael." She sticks her nose in the air and looks down at me.

"I'll get my coat." I sigh.

* * *

(Leo)

It was nice to be back underground. A few years ago Donnie found some broken heaters in the junk yard and fixed them up so the Lair would be warm during the frigid winters. I remember when we were younger, and in the old Lair, we had to rely on blankets and each other to keep warm. It was gruesome. During training our fingers would be numb and it ached to hold my Katanas' and stung when they clashed with other objects. I guess the upside is that we learned how to fight in poor conditions. Just because it is winter doesn't mean we stop fighting or patrolling.

I take a sip of my hot tea. I made some for Mikey, Splinter and myself while Donnie stuck to coffee. It was turning out to be a pretty good day, one of the better days in a long while. But that could quickly change. I lean against the door frame of Donnie's lab and watch him plan and prepare.

"You ready?" I ask Donnie as he tightens the mask around his eyes. The purple hiding some of the brown.

"I am." He nods and brushes off the dust accumulating on his computer. The screen is black and I notice he's staring at his reflection. His eyes lingering on the mask tied around his head."Do you really think this is working?" He asks.

I shrug my shoulders. "Maybe, he's improved so much already."

"Hypothetically it should work, inconsistency will break the conditioned state." He reminds me and also himself.

"It was a traumatic experience Donnie, that complicates things."

"I know. But do you think it would be easier if we just went on with life without ever wearing our masks again?" Donnie suggests.

It's not that I haven't thought about that but what would that really accomplish? His demons would continue to haunt him.

"A part of his healing means he needs to face and overcome his fears Donnie. You know this."

"You are right of course. I guess I am growing impatient with having little results. I'm used to things either working or not working and being able to proceed from that. But when it comes to the mind, it's so complex and such a mystery that we simply can't tell or gauge improvement."

I put a comforting hand on his shell.

"I'm just as anxious as you are about this. But It's working Donnie we just have to keep pushing."

"Right. Well, let's do this then." He straightens his shoulders with determination.

Donnie's shell-cell goes off. It startles both of us and breaks the serious mood. He digs it out from his belt and looks at the screen.

"It's Casey." He mutters to me before answering.

"Hello? Casey?"

I hear fast mumbling yet I can't make out the words. However I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me something is wrong.

And with the look on Donnie's face, I can guarantee something is wrong.

* * *

(Raph)

I take a sip of beer and only a few drops reach my tongue. It's all gone. I sigh and and hold it up to eye level to make sure it's completely empty. I drank it a lot faster than I intended or even realized. Casey still has some left.

"That was quick." He grins and gestures to my empty bottle.

"Unintentional, I was planning on savoring it."

"Needed a drink that badly?"

I shrug. "It was a pretty good day."

Casey knows what that means by now. My brothers and I judge days on Mikey and how well he's doing. If he has a bad day, we all have a bad day. However they aren't always separated into good and bad either, sometimes they are just days that pass by. I know Leo and Donnie were hoping to try some un-conditioning tonight. It's part of the reason I came to April's. I didn't really want to be there. I'd rather stay in this good mood as long as I can.

"That's nice to hear." Casey's smile is genuinely happy.

"He actually laughed today." I grin. Casey chuckles.

"I almost forget what that sounds like." He admits. "So he his getting better."

"I don't know. He is learning who he is again."

"I'm sorry this happened to you Raph."

"Yeah well..."

"Really Raph, over the years you've all become like my family and I hate seeing not only how different he is but how much it has hurt all of you. And I want you to know that-"

Oh great he's going to start monologuing. Sheesh he can be such a sentimental softy. I mean I'm pretty emotional so I can't say anything but he's just so damn cheesy. I'd be a prick to make fun of him for it, but I probably will anyways.

I hear a scream in the distance. It's soft so I know it's far from here. My head snaps in the general direction and I listen closer. Casey is still talking and doesn't seem to notice. I turn away and walk towards the edge of the roof. It was a woman's scream but I don't hear anything now...

"Raph? Raph where'd you go?"

I phase out the sounds of the city. Focus Raph, use your senses. It's late, not many people will be out in this part of town. There's shouting in a nearby building, an argument between a man and a woman but it's not the scream I heard. A couple cars meander down the street slowly through the snow, the engines humming. A few alleyways down two men talk quietly. A drug deal. A homeless man sits on a door step across the way, trying to use a building to keep the cold out. He's talking to himself.

There. Another shout in the same direction but from a different and deeper voice. More anger in it this time than fear.

Casey walks up next to me, "Raph what's wro-"

I launch across the roof before he finishes. I hear him curse behind me but I ignore it, someone is in trouble. I promised my brother's I'd stay out of a fight but how can I turn my back against a person in need? They'll understand. Besides I know Casey will follow.

I am a little buzzed from the Alcohol but it's not enough to mess with my perception and balance. I glance down every alley I pass and I hear the signs of struggle as I get closer. I stop and assess the situation. A woman is being pushed up against a building. Three men surround her and one of them has her pinned against a wall. He's covering her mouth and whispering to her while the other two snicker to themselves. She's crying.

They are a part of a gang but not the Purple dragons. I rip off my coat as Casey finally catches up to me. He's breathing is heavy.

"You know, a heads up would be nice." He pants. I look at him, wink, and jump. "For gods sake!" I hear him mutter.

I land on the railing of a fire escape but none of them notice me in the darkness. I aim for the dumpster and land with a thud. I use the shadow of the building to hide me as they all jump and whirl around. They can't see me.

"Whose there?" One of the guys ask. He was the one who was pushing the woman and no doubt is the leader of their little pack.

"I'm feeling generous tonight so I'll give you morons a three second head start." I warn them sounding as if I'm bored.

"What the hell you talkin' bout?" The one with a black beanie pulls out a gun. Damn.

"One." I count.

"Get out of here before I shoot." They all pull out guns. Triple damn.

"Two." I throw a shurkian at the only lamp in the alley. I leap off the dumpster and crouch low as the darkness envelops the entire area.

"Shit I can't see him!"

"Where'd he go?"

"Just shoot already!"

I hear guns fire at the dumpster. Idiots, someone in this neighborhood is bound to call the cops. I'll have to make this quick. The woman is still crying but at least he let her go. They all are frantically looking around utterly hopeless in the black of night. Unfortunately for them darkness is my specialty.

"Did we get em?"

"I don't know, you check it out man." The guy with the hat pushes the other forwards. I step behind him. He is relatively my height and visibly the most nervous. I can almost hear his heartbeat pounding. I wait until he feels my presence behind him and he turns. He's startled when he sees me and jumps backwards but he is still in reach. He raises his gun to fire.

"Three." I grab the wrist that holds the gun and twist it sideways as he pulls the trigger. The blast of light and the man's scream alerts the other two of my position. I end his scream by jabbing him in the throat with my knuckles. He chokes on his own breath. I punch him in the gut and as he doubles over I knee him in the nose. He groans and falls to the ground in the fetal position.

"There he is! shoot him!" Another bullet zooms past me, that one was much closer.

"You idiot you're going to hit Darrell!" The hat guy exclaims. He sounds young.

Darrell? What a fearsome name...

"I think I see him! He's-agh!" He is cut off and a silhouette from behind is choking him. It's Casey. However the leader of the group see's him too and points his gun without hesitation. The gunman is too far away from me, I'll never make it in time to stop him.

"Casey!" I grunt and leap forwards. I shove him just in time but a fierce pain fires down my arm. I ignore it and get up. I charge the one man left standing and sock him the jaw.

"Son of a bitch!" He spits out blood. He swings at me and I push his fist away but before he pulls it away I wrap my own hand around his wrist and twist his arm back behind his back. He groans and in this position I control were he goes, unless he want's a broken arm. Which is fine by me too. I force him on the ground and dig my knee in his back. I hear sirens coming down the street and the red and blue lights illuminate the alley. The woman is still crying and in imminence shock.

"Casey help her." I say and he does so without hesitation. He approaches her slowly and attempts to comfort her. I envy him. I wish I could but I might just cause more of a shock. It still bothers me that people see me as a monster. I see the officers in the distance and that's my cue to leave.

"Next time you want to mess with an innocent woman, think of this moment." I growl in the man's ear before I slam his head into concrete. A concussion guaranteed. I get off and climb up towards the roof but something is wrong with my left arm. An overwhelming pain stops my muscles from obeying. I bite down on the groan and manage my way up the roof with one arm, slowly. Once I make it up the moon gives me enough light to see the blood drip down my arm. I turn my head and look at my shoulder.

"Shit."

I've been shot. I reach behind and feel the back, no hole. The bullet is still in my arm. Shock and pain race in my veins and I force myself to concentrate on staying alert. Shock can be very dangerous, almost as bad as the blood loss. I have to get the bullet out, I need to do something. I grab my Sai and notice my hands shaking. Don't be stupid Raph, removing it myself would be crazy. Oh god Leo's going to be pissed.

"Shit." I mummer a second time.

And Donnie's going to be pissed.

"Raph? You up here?" Casey calls from across the roof. He pulls himself over the fire escape. "The police are taking the woman home and the three goons have been arrested. You should have seen their faces, they were feisty little punks."

"Probably trying to act all tough in front of the cops, they were scared shitless when I appeared." I try to keep my voice from quivering. Focus on the shock, I have to fight it. Casey laughs and walks towards me.

"You do have a tendency to...woah Raph? You're bleeding!"

Thank you captain obvious.

"Oh this? Flesh wound."

"Don't joke you jackass." He growls and pulls out his phone.

I'm losing quite a bit of blood and I already feel light headed. The bullet should be acting like a cork in a bottle, I shouldn't be bleeding this much. It must be the alcohol, it probably doesn't help this situation. I start to lean to my side and let my body fall to the side. I need to sit down.

"Shit Raph? Raph? You alright buddy?" He catches me and tries to hold me up. He shoves his phone in the crook of his neck.

"Donnie, we've got a real problem here."

* * *

(Mikey)

They didn't tell me that something happened but I knew it instantly. I was with Splinter, working on my meditation and learning more about the Ninjitsu lifestyle. It's more than just fighting and while my leg is still in the process of healing I must train mentally. Splinter tells me being mentally strong is just as important.

But Leo interrupted and bent down to talk to him. He whispered something in his ear and I could see the concern flash in Splinters eyes. Leo straightens and glances at me. Now they both stare at me in silence. I shift uncomfortably.

"Is something the matter?" I eventually ask.

"Rapheal has been shot." Splinter informs me. Very blunt, honest.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"He's fine. He was shot in the shoulder and Donnie will patch him up as soon as he gets here. So he should be alright. I just thought it best to inform the both of you." Leo explains. Splinter nods.

"May we be done for the day then Sensei?"

"Yes my son, that will be all for today."

I bow awkwardly, still not accustom to doing so out of respect. I stand to follow Leo out of the room.

"Maybe you should stay here Mikey." Leo suggests.

"Why?"

"Trust me okay? Just stay with Splinter." He nods and walks back towards Donnie's lab. Stay with Splinter? What am I? A child? I try to suppress the anger and frustration. Do they think I can't handle blood? Or violence? I've seen enough of both to last me a life time.

I sit with Splinter and grumble to myself. That is until I see Casey drag Raph into the Lair. He doesn't look too banged up. Other then his dragging feet and bloodied arm, he looks alright. What's the big deal that I can't be there for? I want to help if I can.

So I disobey Leo.

I stand up and try to follow them into the lab. I stop short when Purple dances across my vision. Purple. What are you doing here? I thought you left, I thought you were gone forever. This can't be happening. Not now! I step closer and watch with wide eyes. I hear Raph groan slightly and fire burns my system. Oh god he's hurting him! No they can't do this! How dare he hurt him? I won't let Purple do to my brother what he did to me. I won't allow it!

I prepare myself to attack him. I can do this, I have to do this. For Raph.

"Leo hold his shoulder steady." Purple commands and Leo does it without question. What? I put my rescue on hold and freeze. What is Leo doing? Why would he work with him? The longer I watch I realize that Purple's...he's not hurting him. He's helping him. That doesn't make sense.

That isn't what Purple does. It's simply not possible.

Unless, that isn't Purple.

* * *

(Donnie)

Typical. Just typical. I'm not really sure why I didn't expect something like this. He can't let anything go can he? He never says no to a fight and the more fights he gets into, the more his luck starts to run out. I mean sure I admire that Raph wants to save everyone, I understand and love that. But I also know he looks for fights to pick. Leo's wearing the same grim expression that I feel and waits with me until Casey drags Raph home.

"Are we okay on medical supplies?" Leo asks as he glares forwards.

"Ha. With all the injuries lately I must be running out" I grumble.

"Donnie just...answer." he sighs.

"Well we should be alright for now. I'll have everything I need for a bullet wound but you can never have too much medical supplies."

"Good." He crosses his arms.

I glance over at him. He still doesn't look at me. He's in his serious I'm-about-to-lecture-Raph-until-his-ears-bleed mood.

"Just a reminder for anyone who still cares, I am not a doctor I am an-"

"Engineer. We know."

Well just saying. They all seem to forget that I don't really love having to treat them up all the time. I mean they know how to do the little stuff, like stitches and basic medical care. On occasion I have had to have them patch me up because in this line of work, injury is an occupational hazard. But it's always Donnie fix this, Donnie fix that. No matter what it is. A broken toaster? Donnie fix it. A broken hand? Donnie fix it.

Casey finally stumbles into the Lair holding up Raph. Leo and I both spring forward to help him.

"Raph? Hey Raph? Come on look at me." I use my thumb to push his eyelids open. His golden eye peers at me before jerking his head away with a growl. I sigh, yeah he's fine. Maybe a little lightheaded but he hasn't gone into shock. Leo helps Raph to my lab and sits him down in a chair. I hover above him and examine the wound in his shoulder. There's quite a bit of blood on his arm but a lot of it is already drying. The bullet is still lodged in his arm. I'll have to remove it but once it's out he'll start to bleed out. I'll have to be quick.

I look amongst the medical tools. I first have to clean the area around the bullet. Raph is still conscious but he's obviously a little woozy.

"This might hurt." I say to him.

"Just do it." he snaps.

I nod.

"Leo hold his shoulder steady." I command and I start cleaning the wound. It's painful and he grits his teeth. Once It's fairly clean I get to work on removing the bullet. He only groans slightly and does well to keep still. At one point he grabs his knee and starts squeezing. I do my best not to dig any more than necessary. Once I successfully pull it out I lay it down on the table. I grab bandages and attempt to stop the bleeding. I put on pressure for a while but it's not stopping. The bullet was working like a dam, once I take it away the blood starts flowing freely. It streams down his arm, a lot of it. Hm, curious. Luckily it missed any major artery and won't cause any nerve damage. I expect a full recovery.

After a frustrating amount of time, the bleeding finally stops. I wrap his shoulder in fresh bandages and all done.

"He's alright Leo, you can let go."

He does and glares at Raph, whose still a little out of it.

"He'll need some liquids and rest."

I sigh and glance at my hands covered in my brothers blood. It's sad to think I have had their blood on my hands more often than my own.

* * *

(Mikey)

"How's he doing Donnie?" I ask, my voice quivers slightly. I sit down on the chair opposite Raph still feeling nervous. Can I be sure? It's been an hour since Raph has emerged from sleeping off his wound and I've had a lot of time to think about what I witnessed. Only one logical explanation remains yet I still feel like I am taking a leap of faith.

"He'll be fine. Luckily the bullet didn't do any permanent damage or hit anything vital." He grabs Raphs shell and pulls him closer. "Do you hear me? Sheer dumb luck. If it hit a nerve your arm would have had real trouble working. You understand me? Be real hard for you to pick a fight with anyone ever again."

"Yeah I got it Donnie, back off." He pushes him away harshly with his good arm.

"Anyway, he should make a swift recovery as long as he...wait, what did you say?" He asks and looks at me with wide eyes.

"Uh I-I asked how he was doing?" I stutter. Donnie's face is mix between disbelief and hope.

"Did you call me Donnie?" He asks.

I smile slowly and look beyond the purple mask and into those brown eyes.

"What else would I call you? Donatello?"

**YAY! Exciting! C: Hope you all enjoyed! **

**Don't forget to Review and tell me what you liked and disliked! **

**Till next time my dear **


	21. Chapter 21: Leonardo

**_Hello everyone! Long time no read D: Sorry! But here it is, the next chapter! I hope you all still remember whats happening...opps! Anyways, I apologize if the editing isn't great :l I wanted to get it out there finally! _**

**_However never fear, I've also taken a awhile to finish this because I have been editing some previous chapters too. I will eventually reedit this one again once I get around to it. _**

**Enjoy!**

_Three months since freed from Captivity_

_I spit out blood. So much blood. Tight chains wrap around my ankles and cuffs around my wrists keep me from lashing out at the man. He stands in front of me with a blue mask wrapped around his eyes. He stands tall and is very arrogant and full of himself. He never lowers his head to look at me but instead glares down his pointed nose. He's so much colder than the other two. The other men seem to get a twisted sense of pleasure from torturing me, but not this man. He is strictly business. _

_"All of this can stop if you just do what I ask."he says it like he's bored, like I am nothing but an inconvenience. _

_I don't say anything, I am too tired. How long have I been here? How long have I been without sleep? How long have they been beating me? My entire body feels bruised and bloody. I refuse to succumb to him. Stay stubborn, I keep telling myself. I'm good at stubborn. _

_I try not to look at the mask. Every time I do I get a weird sensation, like an itch. I find myself wanting to scratch it. _

_What is the point of any of this? _

_I take a couple of deep breaths, trying to find a controlled rhythm. _

_"You...you won't win." I manage. _

_"Do not speak." He commands so calmly it's chilling. "You have no right to speak to me." He glances at The Guard, who is also showing obvious signs of fatigue. He lunges out at me and wraps an arm around my throat and squeezes hard. The fear of not breathing alerts my brain into panic. Not again. With one fluid movement he lets go of my neck and slams my head into the ground. _

_Oh god. I stay down for a while. My eyes darken around the corners but I remain conscious. _

_"You are so weak, so pathetic. They thought that too didn't they? Your brothers?"_

_Brothers? Right. I have brothers. What are their names again? _

_"They thought you worthless." _

_Did they? I can't remember. I am losing my mind. _

_"What other reason have they not come for you? Because they don't care." _

_He..he must be wrong. But...maybe he has a point. Are they even looking? I've been in here for so long. _

_"They don't love you. They never have." _

_No, stop saying that. I won't believe it. I can't. I don't want to. _

_"For who could love something as worthless as you." _

_No. No. No._

_"You are now alone in the world. Do you understand." _

_I try to lift my head up but I feel woozy and dizzy. This isn't true. This can't be true._

_"You are nothing. To them, you are nothing." _

* * *

(Leo)

A month ago, we did it. We shattered the conditioned state Mikey was stuck in. Well sort of. Purple has been broken and he now realizes that it's Donnie. Don is thrilled and very happy to finally wear his mask around again. The nex on the list is blue. We figured that we would have to break them in the order that they conditioned him, from what Donnie could gather, the order is Purple, Blue and then Red. One down, two to go. Without the assurance that all three colors are not his demons, he will still be conditioned to the other two colors until it is broken. Except breaking his misconceptions about me has been easier. It's faster. He claims that he still feels the sensations and hears the whispers but he knows it's not really them. It's me.

I haven't felt this happy in long time.

In fact, it's been quite cheery around the Lair. April and Casey often stop by with dinner since none of us really have time to cook. I've been meaning to thank them for everything they've done for us these past months. They have helped in every way they could and we all are forever grateful for them.

"Oh!" I duck the last second as Raph's leg flies over my head.

"Come on Leo, you're sloppy today!"

"Not necessarily, just not paying much attention to you." I hide my grin. "Why would I need to?"

"My my, someone is full of themselves." He growls and catches my Katana swing with his Sai. He's right though, I am being sloppy. It's unlike me. I guess I have other things on my mind. Distractions are dangerous.

"Yame!" Splinter barks as he wanders in the room with Mikey on his heel. We stop. "Take a break my sons."

What? We just started. I take a single step towards him.

"Master Splinter I had a lot more training in mind today. I would like to get done as early as possible." I explain. We were only warming up. I had planned to do some conditioning and reflex training today. It's always important to keep skills sharp.

"Leonardo, take a break. Or perhaps take your training elsewhere." He suggests. Elsewhere? I glance between Mikey and Splinter. Mikey is looking down at the ground and his arms are crossed tightly. They want to be alone.

"Take the break." Raph whispers and I glare at him.

"To the sewers." I command. Raph sighs but doesn't argue. I don't like training in the sewers etiher but it's freezing outside and at least it will keep the wind off of us. I don't think either Donnie or Raph would be thrilled if I made them train in the snow. They follow me out of the Lair and it's immediately cold. Don has the Lair rigged to stay warm but the rest of the sewers remain bitterly cold during the winter.

Donnie is suspicious and keeps looking back at the Lair.

"What do you think they're doing?" He asks.

I too wonder why Splinter needed to kick us out. I'm sure I can pry information later.

"Training first, questions later." I order.

* * *

(Mikey)

"Are you sure you are ready my son?"

"Yes Sensai."

"Remember to take it slow, do not over work yourself."

I take a deep breath and begin the movement Splinter taught me, a series of training exercises called a Kata. Splinter has taught me much about Ninjitsu and it's teachings within the past few months. I've had a lot of time with Splinter since my brothers have been getting back to their own training and nightly patrols. Finally, today I will be able to put these teachings into actions. I am ready to be a ninja again. He had me start with this Kata specifically because it's supposed to be simple and shouldn't overexert my leg. Both Splinter and Donnie stress that I have to careful the more I use it. I don't care about the pain, I've endured worse. However I'm afraid Donnie will just end up ripping my leg off, then I'd be forced to sit still. Not to mention the tangents, he has lectured me so many times.

Yes, I do know that if I don't rest it, it's never going to heal.

Alright, focus. I have to make this Kata perfect. I want to advance and fast. I may retain some of my physical training, but I am extremely rusty.

As I move, it flows easily and I am confident of what I am doing. After I finish the Kata I look at Splinter expectantly. His gaze is stone, he is assessing me. Then a flicker of pride lights his eyes. I lift my head up higher, a little proud myself.

"Very good my son." He hesitates, "I do not want to push your injury but If I may, I would like to teach you another Kata."

I nod my head and my heart leaps from joy. Splinter runs me through the movements and I instantly notice that this one vastly more difficult. I copy him slowly like learning a dance, waiting to put it all together. This one is much harder.

"Do you think you can do it?" Splinter stops and stands straight again.

"Of course Sensai."

I take a deep breath and think about every little movement. I run them through my mind so I don't forget anything. Focus. I begin. Precision is key in Kata's. I am concentrating on my body entirely. Then, something strange happens. I stop thinking, I don't have to. I just, move. I start to pick up speed, everything is moving on it's own. It feels like I've been doing this for years. I realize, I probably have. I take a large lunging step but it lands funny and a pain flares up my leg. It lets out from underneath me and I fall. I groan from surprise rather then the pain.

Damnit. This stupid leg!

"Are you alright?" Splinter kneels in front of me. Sitting up, I nod my head angrily and stare at the floor.

"It is as I thought." He mutters.

"What is?" I ask and meet his eyes.

"Your brother told me a few months ago that you fought against the Foot Ninja."

"Not well." I mumble a little embarrassed.

"It appears that some of your ninja training has not been lost." He states and rubs his chin in thought. I nod my head in agreement.

"I figured as much. It's strange though, I can't remember anything about Ninjitsu past the months I have been home. It's like my body just knows what to do, I don't feel in control of myself." I rub my leg and flinch a little.

"I'ts muscle memory Michelangelo." He lays his hands on his legs. "I have trained you and your brothers since you were young-lings. Like with many athletics, fighting is not something you can unlearn. The kata you preformed is an advanced teaching. When I first showed it to you and your brothers three years ago you had mastered it at a remarkable speed. "

"Really?"

"I believe that it is possible that you remember everything, more than just your training, but your own mind is stopping you."

I can't help the giddiness overcoming my heart. Is it possible that somewhere the old Mikey still exists? I might still have all the memories I thought were gone. The person I was could still be alive.

I clear my throat and shrug.

"Well, I've been watching my brothers for a few months."

Splinter smiles.

"I do not think that had any effect on your ability. While many techniques are the same, fighting styles are like a finger print. They are unique. You have your own style and... flair of fighting."

I nod my head.

"So if I remember Sensai, how do I...well...remember better?" I ask rather poorly. I'm not sure if that actually makes sense.

"We can try to access your memories through meditation. Except once in a meditated state, focus on your memories. Let us start with that."

I groan. Not meditation again...

* * *

(Donnie)

Hmm Hot chocolate! The perfect cure from practicing in frigid air.

"So Splinter just kicked you out?" April asks while leaning against the table. Her red hair is locked into a tight braid and fighting to be released from the hair-tie. That's one thing that we turtles lucked out on, no hair. It seems so difficult to manage. Raph enjoys teasing Casey about him going bald. Which is highly unlikely with his full head of hair. Actually Casey has been trying to grow a goatee. So far, it's barely come in and looks rather...well not great.

"Yeah, we seen to be unwanted around the Lair these days."Raph sighs. He crosses one leg over the other and leans back in his chair.

"This has happened more than once?" Casey asks, sitting across from myself.

"Unfortunately. Splinter has basically banished us to planet Hoth." Raph mutters into his hot chocolate.

"Would you like us to find you a TaunTaun?" I tease. Raph glares at me over the rim of his mug.

"I do wonder what they do that forces us out of the Lair." Leo ponders, he stands in front of the table and his arms cross lackadaisically.

"You?" I ask appalled. I'm in a teasing mood today, especially towards Leo. I blame it on the intense workout he made us do.

"Questioning an order from the Great All Powerful Splinter?" Raph mocks.

"Curiosity isn't wrong." He glares at us, knowing we are just being facetious. "But I'd be careful mocking me, Splinter has me in charge of the new exercise regiment." Leo smirks.

"New exercise regiment?" Raph raises a brow.

"Oh yes. Thought one of us in particular," He glances at Raph, " Is getting little chubby from the lack of training. It's my job to get you back into shape."

Casey, who was mid drink poor guy, spits out his hot chocolate in laughter. He tries to hold in his big chuckles but can't help it. I grin and April turns her head and does her best not to smile.

"What are you laughing at peach fuzz." Raph growls and slouches in his chair.

"Peach fuzz!?" Casey sits up straight, he rubs his fingers under his nose. So far, the goatee really doesn't look great.

"Do you think he's training?" April ignores the babbling buffoons and focuses on Leo.

"They must be, I just don't understand why we can't be there." Leo shrugs.

"You kinda look like a creep." Raph chuckles at Casey and crosses his arms. He's happy to retaliate on someone for Leo's remark. It's not true, Raph is still in physical shape. He has always been a bit beefier anyways.

"Hey! It's still coming in, just you wait." Casey points at him.

"Maybe Splinter doesn't want Mikey to have any distractions." I offer and turn towards their conversation. April shakes her head in agreement.

"Or perhaps doesn't want to embarrass him." April suggests.

"Those are both possible. I'll see if I can get anything out of Splinter tonight." Leo says.

Mikey has been rather prideful of late. In my hypothesis, it comes from his uncertainty of everything. I see his shame whenever it's obvious he doesn't remember. Learning to train again, all the way from the beginning, I can't imagine how awful that must be. It's so daunting having to start all over again.

A natural silence fills the room and Leo fidgets out of the corner of my eyes. Time to go.

"Speaking of Splinter, we better get going." Leo says after glancing at the clock.

"Oh you sure? I still have some hot chocolate left." April asks. She has this new thing where she gets extremely anxious when we life. Probably afriad that she will never see us again if we leave. It's our fault. We didn't see them for months after Mikey was taken, they didn't just feel the loss of Mikey but the loss of all of us. It was hard on both of them. It was unfair of us.

"Sorry April but we probably should have been back an hour ago." Leo smiles apologetically.

Raph and I both stand up. Raph downs the rest of his drink.

"Thanks for the hot chocolate April, it really hit the spot." I say and Raph mutters a thanks as well.

"Hey, be safe going home guys, the roofs have gotten pretty icy." Casey reminds us. He's been out on the streets and rooftops a lot. Even when we were out of commission for a while, he continued to do his own vigilante work on the side despite April's pestering.

Leo opens the window and climbs out. He quickly moves up the fire escape to the rooftop. I throw my leg over the window sill to follow him and Raph grabs my arm.

"Donnie, have I really gotten chubby?" Raph whispers.

I should tell him we were just teasing him. But I am physically incapable of stopping myself. So I grin, "I'm sure it's just water weight."

* * *

(Mikey)

Blackness, fuzziness, absolutely nothing. Still nothing. It's not working. I don't remember anything. I can see my brothers, their faces are clear but I have no memories of them. We've been trying for thirty minutes and I am still just a blank slate. I've never been more frustrated. I can finally, focusing hard, get myself into a meditative trance. Yet when I try to walk through my memories it's just darkness.

I'm exhausted mentally.

I open my eyes and Splinter is still kneeling in front of me. I look around the room, it's strangely quiet. I wonder if my brothers are back yet.

"I don't think it's going to work." I sigh. Splinter opens his eyes slowly.

"I never said this would be easy."

"I know but...I don't know. Maybe I'm not doing this right."

"Hm." Splinter rubs his furry chin. "I wonder.."

"Wonder what?"

He stands up and walks away.

"Master Splinter? Wonder what!?" I ask again feeling impatient.

He stands in front of the weapon stand. Some hang on the wall above it. A short sword lays across the top. I see a flash of blood on the blade and it makes me cringe. Always so much blood...I shake my head. I don't want to think about that right now. When I look again the blade is clean.

Splinter reaches for a weapon but I can't see what he took. I hear a slight rustle of a chain.

He turns and has four stout, orange cylinders in his hand. He stands a couple feet in front of me and closes his eyes. He holds one in each hand and then lets two cylinders drop. Their fall is stopped by a chain connecting the cylinders. They come together in pairs. He puts one set on the ground.

He slides one foot shoulder length apart and starts swinging. He then steps forwards with one foot and grabs the swinging cylinder. It stops abruptly and he holds the two in triangle. He then lets one drop down but snaps his wrist to make flick in the air. It fires across his body, his waist, and his shoulders. Every so often he freezes with them tucked under his arm or in that triangle formation. He slashes out with them quickly and I can barely see his wrists flick. He switches between his hands. The weapons are like vipers in speed.

I realize halfway through that he is doing a Kata. His movements are fluid and stern. The way the chain wraps around his body looks like it would hurt but he dodges slightly so he doesn't hit himself. He then pauses with the pair thrusted out in front of him. He grabs the end of one and touches it to the end of the other in a similar triangle form. He then shuts them together with one hand with and tucks it back to his side as his foot slides into a standing position.

He then leans down and grabs the second one. He starts spinning them. They spin so fast they become blurs of orange and silver. Splinter then stops them by holding all four cylinders in both hands. He then begins another series of movements. At first, he only moves one at a time with the other clutched in his fingers. But then they swing with parallel movement across his shoulders. He flips in an angle with his feet kicking out. They weapons slash across him as he lands.

He's amazing! No wonder he's a Master of Ninjitsu.

He holds them closed again and crosses his arms in a x. Then he stands up straight again and lowers them back to his side.

"Master Splinter, that was incredible!"

He isn't even out of breath. He just smirks and holds them out again.

"Do you know what these are?"

"Weapons."

"Correct. These are yours."

My words get caught in my throat.

"M-Mine?"

All my brothers showed me their weapons and I remember Raph telling me about these. Yet I wasn't completely sure what they were or what they did. I don't know why, but I have a demanding need to take them back.

He kneels down in front of me.

"These are called Nunchaku."

I reach a hand out to take them but he pulls back for a second. I glance up at him in confusion.

"I will give them back to you. I believe it is time you were reunited with your weapons. However I do not want you to use them for training."

"I don't understand. What else would I use them for?"

"Michealanglo, I have taught you how to use many weapons but these are special to you. There is a bond here. You love them because they fit with you, your personality. The weapon of choice often shows the wielder's character."

"Then what do you want me to do with them?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I hope that the Nunchaku will help remind you of who you are."

I reach out again and he lets me take them. My fingers dangle above them for a second and I find myself extremely nervous. When I pick them up I am surprised. I expected to be uncomfortable, I expected myself to feel uncertain about holding them. But in fact, they feel so right. I think Splinter might be on to something here.

"Do you really think they will help me?" I ask.

"I do not know." He admits. I glance up at him and smile warmly.

"And I thought you all wise." I jest quietly. His smirk widens.

"Only a fool thinks himself wise."

We both hear voices approaching from the entrance.

"Your brothers are home from training. We shall end ours as well."

"Hai Sensai."

* * *

(Leo)

I tie my mask around my head. It's been months since I've worn it. It feels foreign to have it around my eyes.

I knock on the door.

"Hey Mikey may I enter?"

"Yes."

I slowly push open the door and I am in complete and utter shock. I can't believe my eyes! What is going on? I didn't think I'd ever see this again.

The floor of Mikeys room. It's clean! Trash picked up and thrown away, stuff organized and push out of the way. I can actually walk without watching out for tiny objects to stab my feet.

He's kneeling in the corner of the room and stares up at me as I gawk. His eyes are glued to me and I am aware of his hesitance and confusion. He knows it's me, we've made great improvement with this mask. Except I still have to be careful with my actions and words when I wear the blue headband. The spell has not been completely broken.

Donnie said it can be hard to change behavior and it could take a while. I am just happy he's gotten this far.

"Do you know who I am?"

"I-I think so."

"Are you okay? May I approach you?" I ask. His mouth thins into a frown and hesitantly nods his head. His muscles are tense and it's taking everything in him to ignore the whispers in his mind. I approach him slowly and I kneel down to his level. From what we know, Blue held himself above Mikey. Being eye level will show respect and comfort. I've been told this works with children as well.

"You cleaned your room." I state.

"It was too clustered." He claims bashfully.

"That never used to bother you before." I smile. He doesn't smile back and looks away from me.

"I'm not the same person I was before." He mutters sadly. I cringe a little. I didn't mean anything by that comment. I shouldn't have said it nonetheless, I should have known better.

I reach my hand out hesitantly, I wait for conformation for me to touch him. He nods his head slowly and only once. I rest it on his shoulder. He tenses and refuses to meet my eyes.

"Please look at me." I say. He doesn't. So I repeat myself and I can see him fighting his demons. He tears his eyes up from the floor slowly, I can physically see his internal battle. Come on Mikey, you can do this.

"I know that you aren't the same person but it's not a bad thing. It's just different than what I am used to." I explain.

I take my hand back quickly.

"How are you doing?" I ask and point to the mask. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

"It's hard. It's like my brain is telling me two things and I believe them both. It's a strange feeling. But I know this will help."

"Good. If you need to me to take it off, just let me know. Sound good?"

"Sounds good."

I then notice something in his hands and I glance down. Before I came in here, I talked to Splinter about what he and Mikey were doing. Sensai told me that he figured it would be easier for Mikey to train alone for now. For both his pride and for his development. He also mentioned he gave Mikey his Nunchaku. It's an interesting move.

I point down at his hands.

"Your Nunchaku?"

"Yeah." He opens his hands to show me and the rustle a bit from the movement

"Splinter told me that he thinks it could help you." I exclaim.

"I don't really understand how."

"Well, there can be a connection between you and your weapon." I explain. He glances up at me quickly but then looks back down at the ground.

"What is the connection with your Katanas?" He asks. I take a second to think about it. Why have I bonded so strongly with them? Once Splinter gave them to me, I never really thought about using anything else unless I had to. I reach up and pull my Katana out. This is a lot of trust I am giving Mikey. Blue and sharp weapons never seem to be a good idea. I need to trust him, I need to do this for his mental health. I stare at them and so does Mikey. I can feel the cool vibrations under the blade, an aura almost that matches mine.

"Well for one, Splinter gave them to me when I was ready to specify in a weapon. These are special Katanas, ones he wanted me to have from the moment he took me on as his student. He felt that they would fit me and he was right. I'm not really sure how to describe it but they make me feel confident, stronger almost. They are a tool for me to attack and protect. They remind me of my responsibility."

"Responsibility?"

"Yes, to the team, to my training, to my brothers and to myself."

He reaches out and lays on a hand on the hilt. My stomach clenches and I tighten my grip around the weapons. I am ready to pry the Katanas out of his hands if things go wrong. Am I triggering him? Do I need to stop? Should I put them away now?

"You are right, these are different."

"What do you mean?"

"I did terrible things-"

"It wasn't your fault." I interrupt but he ignores me.

"And I held many swords like this. All of them felt so wrong in my hands, I could feel the evil and pain they caused to so many lives. I hated them with a passion. These weapons are different. Only a noble swordsmen would have such honorable weapons. Does that make sense?"

My heart smiles from the compliment. He is becoming more comfortable around me too.

"Mikey, that was a very sweet thing you said to me." I say and I sheath my Katana. He looks bashful plays with the wrappings around his forearms. He then shifts slightly and looks at me cautiously.

"Do you think my Nanchaku will help me meditate?" He asks and holds them up to me again.

"It's possible." I shrug. Who knows what will help him.

"Leo"

"Yes?"

"Can you help me meditate?"

I smile and nod my head. I give him some pointers on how to fall into a meditative trance and I close my eyes to do the same. In a couple of minutes I find myself deep in meditation. I reach out to feel his aura, hoping that he too has been successful. I wait patiently, encouraging him through this mental connection. I can feel him faintly after a long while and my heart leaps. He's doing it. Hopefully he can access some of his memories too. I try to speak to him but he doesn't respond to me. Then, all of a sudden, his aura goes dark. It's still present but vastly different. What is that?

"Mikey?" I hear myself ask out loud.

Heavy breathing follows and I force myself out of my trance. He's hyperventilating. Oh no. He's remembering all right, but none of it is good.

"Mikey? Mikey come on." I shake him. He isn't screaming or going crazy like he used to before. He's just breathing heavy and tears stain down his cheeks. He's stuck in a memory and I just have to wait until it passes. Despite his improvements, sometimes I forget how heartbreaking this can be, for all of us.

I move to sit directly next to him, I lean against the wall and grab his hand. It's the best I can do. I could try to get him out of it, but Splinter suggests to let him remember. It's like a cold, you have to get the bad stuff out first before you get better.

These memories have no recollection of time. Sometimes they last a while, other times they only last a few minutes. I'll be here for him when he comes to. He won't be alone.

So I sit in helpless agony, holding his hand, waiting for him to awaken from his nightmare.

* * *

(Mikey)

I hold my Nunchaku firmly in my hands. Splinter told me they could help me remember. I don't see how these would make any different. Leo obviously has a strong bond with his weapon, but what do my Nunchaku do for me? Why do I feel connected to them? Weapons, it's so strange that I used to use these on a daily basis. It's even stranger that a few months ago, I never wanted to touch a weapon again.

These aren't like anything I used while in captivity. They are very different. I don't know how they could even be used as a weapon. It's not sharp or pointed. It's rubbery and stout. The chain is short but end to end it's fairly long.

Yet they are comfortable in my hands. They are meant for me, they are mine.

I guess, as of now at least, they make me feel safe. I don't want to let them go. Ever.

I don't know if they will help. But I hope they do.

I really hope they do.

I close my eyes again after another failure of memory searching. I have been trying for what feels like hours and haven't gotten anything more than a blip. It's awful. I just want to remember.

Leo was kind enough to give me some pointers. Splinter has told me many times before he is a skilled ninja and I've seen it for myself. I have to keep reminding myself this is Leo. This isn't Blue. I keep saying it over and over again in my head. Logically I believe it but my instincts have been trained to be paranoid.

Just ignore it. I need to clear my mind.

I take a deep breath and relax my body as best I can.

Right when I think it's hopeless, _I open my eyes and find myself stuck in a small, dark room. _

_My eyes are puffy from getting my face kicked in. Everything is throbbing. I've tried so hard for so long to stay sane. To stay strong. But everybody has a breaking point. _

_And this is mine. _

_No one is coming for me. This is how I live now, struggling to stay afloat. It would be easier to give in, it would be better. I fought for my own pride, I fought for my family. But I don't think they are coming. I think this is it. I am stuck here, maybe I'll die here. At the moment, I don't really care if I do. _

_I feel broken. They got what they wanted, they have ripped me apart and here's what they can show for it. I want to be done. I want this to be over. I only have so much strength, so much fight in me. _

_I slowly get to my knees, my body grumbles from the movement. I can barely see my eyes are so swollen. I slowly raise my shackled hands. My palm faces upwards and I wait. I refuse to look at him, the tiniest bit of pride I have left won't allow it. _

_God, I am worthless. _

_"Are you ready to submit?" The man asks. I just hold my hand up higher. The Guard steps forwards and takes the shackles off my wrists. The relief on my skin was incredible. Red marks have dug a ring around them. A small, sharp knife is placed in one of my hands. _

_I touch the tip of the knife on my finger, feeling the point. They're not going to come for me. I need to accept this. It'll be better if I don't give myself false hope. It hurts too much to be disappointed every second of every day. It hurts more than anything the colors do to me. _

_I am alone now. _

_I turn my other hand to face the palm towards me. My fingers slowly close into a fist. I hesitantly hover the knife over my wrists. Part of me can't believe what I'm about to do, but most of me doesn't care anymore. _

_"Cut."_

_I am nothing anyways. Why should I care? I slash. _

No! I don't want that anymore. I will not cut myself again. I refuse. All of what that man said is a lie! Every moment I have been home my brothers have shown nothing but love and comfort. It was all a lie that they told me, a lie I told myself. My chest is heaving and my head hurts. I run my thumb against my cheeks and wipe the tears. My face feels dry like I've been crying for a while. I try to slow my breathing and inhale deeply. As I exhale I feel something hit my shoulder. I jump, not aware I wasn't alone.

I look at the blue mask tails draping down my arm and my first reaction is to back away from him. Blue would be mad if I touched him. Then I look at his face, and he seems so peaceful. He's asleep. I look down and his hand is gripping my fingers tightly.

He stayed with me. He tried to comfort me. This isn't Blue.

I am not alone. My brothers love me more than I could ever imagine. I wish I would have remembered that then, I wish I wouldn't have lost my faith in them. I am ashamed I ever thought such horrible things.

His head rolls off my shoulder and as soon as it hangs in the air he spine snaps straight. He jumps from the sudden transition of being awake. He immediately looks at me.

I look at the blue mask around his eyes but I don't feel uncomfortable anymore. I look at it and I don't feel anything.

"Mikey." He says. He seems worried. "Are you okay?"

"Tell me Leo, do I make a good pillow?"

**Well!? Sorry again for taking forever to update but please, tell me what you all think!**

**Reviews are always appreciated and helpful!**


	22. Chapter 22: Hate

**Sorry if It's a bit rough! I will be going back through for edits soon!**

**Edit: I have been having some trouble with the site, so I had to re-post this chapter, my apologizes! D: **

**Enjoy :) **

_Four months since freed from captivity _

_I kneel before Red, hating myself for giving into him. The collar around my throat threatens to shock me into submission and I want nothing more than to rip it off. I'm tired from the blood loss; I shudder recalling my time with Purple not too long ago. I am in no condition to fight Red or the shocks, I am simply too lightheaded and woozy. I am too tired. They bandaged me up but I still need rest. It appears they decided not to give me any. _

_Red looks oddly pleased with himself today, and I am afraid of what he will have me do. Whatever he says, I must obey. Red demands it. _

_"You will obey me." _

_I don't say anything. I'm so tired. I want to go back to my cell. Please, just let me rest. _

_"No comments today?" Red goads, trying to get me to speak. He's waiting for me to give him an excuse to hurt me. Pft, like he needs an excuse. I close my eyes and drop my head. Today, I will submit. If only to get back to my cell. I don't want to fight. Not today. _

_"Well then. Maybe you will after this." _

_Oh god. What does that mean? What will he have me do? _

_The door creaks open and I hear muffled shouts and screams. I can tell there is a body dragging against the floor. Whoever it is, they are fighting against The Guard pulling them. I open my eyes but I don't look up from the ground. Is that, another prisoner? What is Red going to make me do? _

_"Look up." Red commands. I stare at the shadowy floor. I don't want to. This isn't real. _

_"Don't you want to see your gift?" He mocks. I don't respond. My skin tingles and my gut tightens with dread. What do I have to do?  
_

_"I said look up!" He shouts at me. My neck snaps up on command. In front of me is a man, tied up and gagged with cloth. He kneels in front of me and I in front of him. He's a young man, older than me but still quite young. His hair is black, cut short and close to his head. His jaw is sharp and pointy. His eyes are full of fear. The poor guy. He tries to call out for help and I want to tell him it's worthless. No one is coming for us. My heart melts for him, this man doesn't deserve this. _

_A sword is held out in front of my face and I glare at it.  
_

_No. Please god no. _

_"Take the sword." Red commands. I don't. _

_"I won't do it." _

_"Excuse me?" Red raises his brows. Surprised that I already know what he will ask of me. _

_"I won't kill him." _

_Red stares at me, the red gnawing at my eyes. _

_"You will do what you are told. You will obey." He growls. I cringe as the word echos in my ears. I hold my hands up to my head and try to shake it out. _

_Obey. _

_No. I don't want to. Not this time. I don't care what Red does to me I will not kill for him. I won't. I'm finding a separate fight in me, a fight for others. _

_Obey. _

_"No." I state defiantly. The mans eyes seem to relax a little, but only a little. He glances back and forth between Red and myself. Then he starts struggling again, trying to break free even harder than before. The Guard kicks him hard in the stomach and he doubles over. I cringe. _

_"Kill him." Red states. He slaps me hard in the face. I tighten my jaw and wait for the sting to go away. _

_"I will not." I defy him. _

_"Why? Have you not killed before?" Red asks and it throws me off guard. I look up at him. It's a mistake. The mask burns in my brain and I take the weapon out of his hands._

_Obey. _

_"I-I do not kill innocents." I stutter as I stare at the angry metal. Red laughs, a wicked and cruel laugh._

_"He is no innocent. He is part of a gang you see, and you should hear all the things he's done. So young and yet so troublesome. You'd be doing the world a favor." _

_I glance at the man. Is that true? Should it matter? Red could be lying to me. What if he isn't? What if this man has done wrong? Well, it shouldn't be me to bring him to justice. Especially if Red commands it. I will not do it. I drop the sword and it clangs as it smashes the ground._

_"I will not." I say again. The fire roars in applause. Red glares at me, venom dripping from his eyes. _

_Suddenly shocks explode from the collar and I can't breathe. I fall to the ground and convulse. They stop shortly and I lay on the cold floor. I'm still so lightheaded, I can't handle the pain, not right now. But I must be strong, I won't kill this man. I won't __kill for Red._

_"Kill him." He demands. _

_Obey._

_"No." I mutter quietly._

_ Suddenly my skull is pounded into the ground by a foot. I groan in pain and my vision becomes blurry. My brain throbs and cries out. _

_"Do it." Red growls softly. _

_Obey. _

_"I-I won't." I whisper. The room grows silence. Even the young man has stopped shouting and fighting. Everyone is still, I can feel all their eyes on me. _

_"I think, the cage should change your mind." _

_The cage? _

_The Guard pulls me to my feet and the world spins. I have a sudden need to throw up and my legs shake. The Guard pushes me forward and my knees wobble as I walk. I don't see where I am going, The Guard guides me with his shoves. I stumble into the large cage tucked in the corner of the room. The bars are cold and angry against my skin. I am shoved hard one last time and I fall to the metal ground. My head hurts too much for me to get up so I lay still. I glance up and see the captured man watching me in amazement. He's grateful, I can see it in his eyes. It almost makes this pain worth it. I won't kill him, I won't. _

_The Guard starts to drag the man out of the room and his gaze never leaves me. He's pleading me to help him, he's begging me. How could I? I can't even help myself. My stomach turns. What will they do to him? Maybe it would have been kinder to have killed him. _

_Suddenly the fire is put out and the entire room is dark except the dim lighting from the hallway. Red stands in front of the cage, locks it, and jingles the keys in his hands. _

_"Now you really do look like a Pet." He says before chuckling. Then he spins on his heel and disappears in the darkness. _

_All light escapes the room when they close the door. Or perhaps, I slipped into unconsciousness. _

* * *

(Mikey)

It's gotten so easy. I watch as the Nunchaku twirls around my wrist, moving too fast for me to see it. But I can feel it, I know where it will go next. I am in compete control. I throw it around my shoulder and with my other hand grab the other handle. I then pull it from underneath my elbow and fling it around my waist.

I don't stop moving as I switch between sides and twirl the weapon around my body. I step forward and lift my foot up, I tap the Nunchaku to my heel before yanking it up and over my shoulder once more.

Feeling a bit anxious about my next step, I take a deep breath. While I continue to spin the Nunchaku around my shoulder and arm, I take two small steps backwards to give me momentum. Then I take a large lunge forwards and kick out with my foot. I swing the Nunchaku sideways at the same time, going for what would be a double blow. When I land, my leg tingles but I manage to stay upright. After a few more spins across my waist and shoulders, I swing it over my right and hold it underneath my elbow. I then tuck into a roll and come out of it attacking once more.

Growing nervous again, I can feel my body tighten. I force myself to relax. While still spinning my Nunchaku, I put one foot back before spinning on one leg. As I turn, I use the force to compete a high kick. I put my leg back down into a wide stance and smile. No pain that time.

I toss the Nunchaku high in the air and catch it on the spin down. I then tuck my arm behind my back and toss it behind me. I catch it with my other hand and wrap it around my waist once again.

I laugh with giddiness. This is fun! It's easy.

I end with tucking the Nunchaku under my arm and lunging to one side with my good leg. My other arm is held straight out and I freeze. I breathe deeply from the exertion. I can't help the proud smile leaking on my face.

"Well done my son." Splinter's own mouth tips up into a smile, he's proud too. "It appears you have recovered your skill with Nunchakus quite quickly."

"As you said Sensei, I'm naturally gifted." I grin ear to ear. Splinter chuckles.

"Perhaps but not very humble."

I was teasing of course but now that I think about it, it didn't take me _that_ long to pick it back up. Granted I have yet to train with both Nunchakus. Splinter believes I should master one first before I add the second. I shrug my shoulders.

"No offense, but it was kinda easy." I admit. Splinter raises his brows.

"Easy you say? Then maybe I should remind you of how many times you hit yourself when you first began as a youngling."

I put my hand on my hip and shift my weight to my good leg.

"How many times?" I ask.

He chuckles again. It's deep and soothing.

"Too many to count."

I continue to smile at him. I can't believe how far I've come in a month. To be fair, I never truly lost my ability, but I was rusty and my leg has caused major complications. I start to spin my Nanchaku nonchalantly on the tip of my finger.

"So when can I start training with my brothers?" I ask, also nonchalantly. Splinter's face falls back into a serious expression.

"Be patient my son, we have yet to train with both Nanchakus and you continue to have pain in your leg."

"It's not that bad." I interject. It isn't as bad as it used to be. I hate to admit it, but Donnie's physical therapy is working.

"That is because we have not been pushing it. I have been warned by your brother that I should not let you, in his words, over do it."

"Funny, I thought you were the one in charge here." I mutter with slight annoyance. Donnie, what a killjoy.

"I am but I am also inclined to agree with him." He says.

"Oh he worries too much." I wave it off. Splinter tilts his head and his ear raises above the other. I then realize that I'm speaking to the wrong person about worrying too much. My cheeks heat from embarrassment. I'm surprised poor Splinter hasn't suffered from heart failure by now. Luckily, Splinter ignores my comment and we move on.

"If you train with your brothers, it will be more intense than anything we have done thus far. In addition, sparring is quite different from katas. It requires even more physical exertion. I do not believe you are ready."

Not ready. I know he doesn't say it in a mean or cruel way but it still hurts to hear. I've been working so hard.

"But I'm getting better ever day." I point out.

"Indeed. So be patient."

And that's that. Conversation over. I sigh.

I look at the ground, not feeling so giddy anymore. I'm sick of being patient. I feel like I'm so close yet there are still barriers blocking me. I've changed since my experiences with the colors. I no longer feel their darkness creeping behind me. I don't know if I'm becoming him again, Michelangelo, but I am no longer the weak creature I was before. My emotions are my own again and I can recognize what I feel. I don't need the colors anymore, they have become distant.

Splinter walks up to me and I look down at him. He puts a hand on my shoulder.

"I am proud of you." He smiles.

I reach up and put my hand on his. I smile. I know he is. After a moment, Splinter takes his hand back to rest it on his cane. He stands up a bit straighter.

"We shall end our training for today." He says.

I want to keep going but I shall respect his decision. I bow.

"Thank you Sensai."

He grins slightly and bows his head in return. I lean down and grab my other Nunchaku that was laying on the ground. I shove it in my belt but I keep the other in my hand. I keep toying with it. Splinter begins to walk towards his room and I go the opposite way.

I move towards the couch area, still playing with one pair of Nunchakus.

Even though I can't train with my brothers, I am still happy with my progress. It's nice to know that no matter what will happen, a part of me will live on. I look down at my Nunchakus, I love these things!

Leo told me a month ago about weapons and how there's a certain bond with them. I understand now. Perhaps even more since they are a link to my past. They are my history, they are what I have in common with Michelangelo. They're like my babies!

I glance behind me and Splinter is gone. I look around the rest of the Lair and no one is around. I grin and start swinging them both. Splinter and I haven't worked on double Nunchakus yet but I'm sure it will come back to me. I twirl them around, letting my body go where it wants. I release my mind and go by feeling. I could never forget this feeling, no matter what I went through. I start pushing myself, adding in more kicks and more complicated movements.

I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself. I feel like _him_ again and I don't want it to stop.

It's flashier than anything Splinter has had me do. Both my feet leave the ground and I push against the couch, I flip in the air. As I tuck myself forwards I hold out my Nanchakus and continue to spin them. I manage to land on my feet but a pain spreads up my leg.

Dang!

My leg gives out slightly. I keep myself standing upright but I move into my spinning weapons. I smack myself in the face and stop.

"Ouch!"

I am surprised and drop my Nunchaku. Dangit. I frown, frustrated with this stupid leg. I glare at the Nunchaku on the floor. I am so close, yet still so far. I reach down to pick it up.

_"Ouch!" _

_I reach up and rub my forehead. Ow! That one hurt real bad. I hear a loud burst of laughter and I turn to the source. I gasp and huff at my brother. He's short, stout and wears a red mask that covers the entire top of his head like a bandanna. The baby tails poke out behind him. _

_"Stop laughing Raph!" I pout dramatically. My voice is squeaky. _

_"Hey Mikey," he pauses to giggle some more. His voice is higher as well but still deeper than mine. "Leave me something to hit!"  
_

_Leo and Donnie look over at Raph. Their masks also cover the top half of their heads. _

_"You shouldn't laugh at him Raph." Leo scolds softly and quietly. _

_"Yeah! I'd like to see you try anyways!" I call him out, hurt and embarrassed. But then I smile, actually that's not a bad idea! It'll be easy to goad him into this challenge. _

_"Why would I do that? I have my Sai." He raises his Sai, they look a bit big in his small hands but he grins with obvious affection and pride. _

_"Oooh I get it, you just can't handle if I'm better than you at something." I smile and put my hands on my hips and tilt them forwards. Raph's eyes shift into an almost eye-roll, but not quite.  
_

_"That's not it. I just don't see the point." He shrugs. _

_"Come on, I want to see you try!" I say enthusiastically and hold my Nanchakus out to him. He frowns and stares at my hands. _

_"Show me up, come ooon!" I goad. _

_ He mutters and steps forwards then he swipes them out of my hands. __"Fine." He mumbles. _

_I take a step back. Then I turn to Donnie and Leo and say, _

_"We're in the danger zone." _

_They smile at me and all together we all take a giant step backwards. Raph glares at us over his shoulder, his lips all pouty and eyes annoyed. We hide our giggles behind our hands. Raph holds my Nunchakus awkwardly. He points them straight up while the other halves hang down. He doesn't do anything, he just looks at them. _

_"Any moment now." Leo calls out. I giggle. _

_"Shut up! I'm just focusing." He mutters. _

_"That's it Raphie, be one with the weapon." I tease._

_"I said shut up!" He growls. He then slowly turns his wrist and they lethargically move. He starts to snap his wrists and they pick up speed. He manages to throw it around his waist and then he goes for the opposite shoulder. One of them fly out of his hand and fires across the room. Leo, Donnie and I all squeak and hit the deck. We dive to the ground as my Nunchaku flies above our heads. Raph stares at it with his mouth agape and my other Nunchaku still hanging in his hand. _

_I start to lose it. I laugh so hard my tummy hurts. I hold it and I can feel my feet kicking as tears climb out my eyes. Leo chuckles a little and Donnie tries to hide his smile. I. Can't. Breathe. _

_"The best part was-" I try to speak but I can't manage to make it out past my laughter. "I was-totally-joking about the-danger zone!" After I manage to get out my sentence I lose it again. I roll on my shell, still holding my arms across my stomach and kicking my feet in the air. _

_I hear a loud yell over my giggles and I open my eyes in time to see Raph in the air above me. Uh oh! I turn on my stomach just as he lands on top of my shell. I start trying to claw away but I am stuck, by both my brother and my laughter. It's hard to move when you can't breathe! Raph Raises his fist to hit me but I twist. I turn back on my shell as he misses my face and I manage to get my leg between us, I kick him off me. With freedom, I push to my feet and run away. Raph chases after me, I'm still laughing. _

_I'm faster than he is but I'm at a disadvantage. I feel him reaching for me and I am brought to a halt when he grabs a hold of the baby tails of my mask. He starts to tighten them and it squeezes into my head._

_"Ow! Ow! Ow!" I exclaim, still giggling. I am brought to my knees as he puts me in a headlock. _

_"Yame!" I stop laughing and Raph freezes when we hear Splinter. Sounds like he's back for our training. _

_"These are not play toys. They are weapons!" _

_"Hai Sensai." We all say together. Raph lets go of me and gets in line with Donnie and Leo. I get up to fetch my Nunchaku. _

_I reach down to pick it up._

My fingers hover above my Nunchaku, frozen in time. I blink once, twice. I slowly wrap my fingers around the orange weapon and pick it up. I examine it.

Was that, a memory?

* * *

(Donnie)

"Donnie! Donnie!" I hear Mikey calling out to me. I immediately spring to my feet and run into the main Lair. I see Mikey looking around for me.

"Mikey? What is it? What's the matter?" I ask in panic. I look over his body, making sure he's physically okay. As Mikey rushes up to me, I don't see anything wrong with him. When I notice the bright smile on his face, I calm down. I start to share his smile before he even says anything to me. He looks so happy.

"We're still in the danger zone." He grins ear to ear and starts to laugh a little. I continue to smile but my brows scrunch up in confusion.

"What?" I ask. Danger zone? What's he talking about?

"Oh come on Donnie, don't you," he pauses and his blue eyes light up, "remember?"

I stare at him. Is he saying what I think he's saying? I feel the joy replacing my shock.

"Mikey do you mean that you-" I get giddy and grab his shoulders. His excitement bounces off him and into me.

"I remembered something Donnie!" He exclaims excitedly. He nods his head and his smile is all charming and joyful.

"You remembered something!?" I ask not yet believing it. I start moving around him, we both are slowly spinning in circles.

"I remembered something!" He says again. We're just repeating ourselves but that's all we can say. We look like fools and I don't even care. This means he hasn't lost himself, not forever. With time he'll be able to remember most likely everything.

Leo runs up to us. He looks as worried as I did when Mikey was calling for me. He must have heard our shouts and grew suspicious.

"What's all the commotion? Everything okay?" Leo inquires.

"Leo he remembered!" I shout joyously. Leo blinks at me. I can tell he's intrigued but he remains calm.

"Remembered what?" He asks gently.

"He remembers," I realize he didn't tell me. "I don't know." I was too ecstatic to ask. While it could be something that happened to him in captivity, his reaction is obvious that it was from before his capture. I turn back to Mikey, still holding onto his shoulders

"What did you remember?" I ask. Mikey's grinning. He opens his mouth to explain but we are interrupted by another presence.

Raphael joins the party.

"What the heck is going on? I heard shouting."

"Mikey remembered something." Leo says nonchalantly. Raph looks at all our faces. Mickeys pleased, Leos tranquil, and me, an excited idiot.

"What does he remember?" Raph asks cautiously.

"I don't know," Leo sighs and barely grins, "but we're going in circles here." Mikey and I both chuckle. We all grow quiet and wait for an explanation. Mikey closes his eyes and tilts his chin up in the air. It takes him a minute to think.

"I think, we were ten; and we had just recently gotten our weapons. I was practicing before Splinter arrived for training and I dared Raph to try my Nunchakus." He chuckles softly to himself, "he almost took our heads off."

"Oh I remember that." I say. I smile fondly at that memory. I remember Mikey being beside himself with laughter and I remember that Raph got a taste of his own medicine. However I did feel bad for him, he was so embarrassed.

"I try not to." Raph mummers and crosses his arms.

"It was pretty funny." Leo grins and admits.

"You know what this means right? You didn't lose your memories after all." I conclude.

"It was only one memory Don." Raph reminds me.

"Perhaps but it's unlikely that only one was recovered spontaneously." It wouldn't make sense if that were the case. If he has the potential to remember some things, it's likely he has the ability to recall everything. Even if it's subconsciously, it's still there.

"How do we know it was spontaneous?" Leo asks.

Interesting point. I turn to Mikey who was watching us silently.

"What were you doing? Could it have been triggered by anything?" I ask. If something triggered him, then maybe if we can pinpoint it he'll be able to recollect all his memories. I can't help the happiness pouring out of me. It can all come back to him, all of it. He will remember who he was. I didn't know if the drugs they gave him affected his mind permanently or not. Splinter believed that Mikey would be able to recover with time but there was no proof. Now there is.

"I mean I was just messing around with my Nanchakus and I accidentally hit myself in the head." Mikey shrugs.

Hm, I don't think that banging his head would necessarily unclog his mind, brains don't really work like that. Maybe they're just appearing naturally. Or maybe now that the conditioning has become unstable it'll all start coming back to him.

Raph hits him lightly in the back of the head.

"Ouch! What was that for?" Mikey reaches up and rubs the back of his head.

"Did that work?" Raph asks. I glare at him.

"No, just hurt." Mikey frowns at first but then a slow smile grows on his face.

* * *

(Raph)

I tie the mask around my eyes and the tails brush against my shoulder. It feels so foreign to wear again but it also feels good. I missed my mask, I felt so naked and awkward without it. I take a deep breath and look in the broken mirror. I tilt my head and gaze at my reflection. I definitely feel more like me with the mask on. I tilt my head so the tails fall off my shoulder and rest on my shell. I stand up straighter, trying to change my appearance.

"Never figured you to be so vain." Leo's teases. I turn my head as he walks up to me.

"I forgot how much I missed my mask." I say, ignoring his teasing. Leo's own blue mask wraps securely around his eyes. He smiles softly at me.

"I know what you mean." He nods. I look at myself in the mirror again and shift uncomfortably. I frown and cross my arms.

"What's wrong?" Leo asks, sensing my unease. I hesitate to ask.

"What exactly do I do?"

"Just be yourself." He shrugs.

Still looking in the mirror, I concentrate on my golden eyes. They're an odd color, much different than the rest of my brothers. They're kind of brown, like Donnie's and Leo's, but they have that strong hint of gold. It makes them much more yellow, much more animal looking.

"But what if being me will only make things worse?" I ask quietly, somewhat wishing he doesn't hear me. It's pathetic how nervous I am. I can hear it seeping through my voice. Leo looks at me through the reflection of the cracked mirror. He regards me with an unreadable gaze.

"Why do you think it would?" He inquires.

I don't know really. I just do. I'm not like him or Donnie. I'm more rough around the edges and I'm a bit too honest sometimes. I don't like beating around the bush and I'm not huge into waiting. What if I say something dumb? What if I do something stupid? Donnie mentioned it will most likely be easier for me since Mikey no longer associates Blue and Purple as bad things. He has finally managed to link the two colors to Leo and Donnie. But what if that's not enough? I'm not like them, I don't know if being me will do anything to change his mind.

"Oh come on, you know me." I mutter, not sure how to put my feelings into words. I don't think I need to though. Leo doesn't say anything at first. Instead he shifts his weight and completely turns to look at me.

"I do know you. I know that you would do anything for this family, and I know that you care deeply about right and wrong," he pauses and his tone becomes sharp, "and I know that I can rely on you to take responsibility and lead this family should anything ever happen to me."

I don't look at him. Does he really think all that?

My heart goes still at the thought of losing Leo. But at the same time, I am surprised. He can rely on me? Why me? He and I butt heads often. We've always had different ways of doing things and I have never been afraid to express my opinions. Even if I am next in age, it has never been about age. It's about personality. I figured Donnie would be second when it comes to leading. Even when I wanted it as a child, I knew I wasn't right to lead our team. But Leo relies on me, he thinks I could do it. I guess if it came down to it, god forbid it ever happen, of course I would.

I turn away cause I don't want to look at him. I hate gushy stuff, but I can tell he's being serious. He means what he says, he really does.

"Mikey will see that too." He lays a gentle hand on my shell. I shift my feet, feeling a bit uncomfortable. I want to thank him but I can't find myself to say anything. I nod my head instead. He smiles warmly.

I hope so. I hope I don't make anything worse. Even with Leo's assurance I'm still nervous. I sigh, not really wanting to do this but knowing I have to.

"Lets get this over with." I mutter.

* * *

(Leo)

"Don't be nervous Raph." I say to him.

"I'm not." He denies. He's lying but I don't refute him. I understand what he feels. It's hard, none of us want to make Mikey uncomfortable but it has to be done. Raph proceeds to the couch area of the Lair. Donnie and I watch from afar, ready to interfere. I hope we don't need to. We're close enough to hear their conversation.

"He-Hey Mikey." Raph stumbles on his words. Mikey looks up at him. It takes a second to register what he's seeing, but he instantly gets to his feet. Raph takes a step back from the immediate reaction.

"No, no it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt ya." He holds his hands out. Mikey eyes him cautiously, I can see the confusion and anger in his eyes.

"May I sit down?" Raph asks, gesturing to the chair furthest from Mikey. Mikey doesn't respond, so Raph just takes his seat. He reaches out to grab the remote, his hand is slightly shaking. Mikey psychically recoils as Raph takes the remote, even though Raph is a couple feet away from him. Raph notices and freezes.

"It's okay. It's just the TV remote." Raph says. He grabs it and holds it out to Mikey, "See?"

No response.

Raph sighs and starts to flip through the channels. Come on Raph, you can do this. Donnie twitches and I can tell he wants to help Mikey. We have to give them space, Mikey needs to do this on his own. I glance over at Donnie and his expression is somber and nervous.

If we break Red, we will have successfully broken all of them. He won't have any ties with the colors anymore. There must be a lot riding on Raph. He must feel the pressure.

Mikey continues to stare at the red mask and I can tell Raph is trying not to get uncomfortable. I'm not sure if Raph is actually paying any attention to the TV. It stops on wrestling and Raph leans back in his chair.

"I love wrestling." He mutters. He doesn't know what to say. I can't see Mikey's face but his hands tighten into a fist. I uncross my arms quickly as my senses perk up. I take a single step forwards

"Donnie." I say in horror.

It's too late. In a flash Mikey launches at Raph. Raph doesn't even have time to leap out of the way. The chair goes backwards with both of them as Mikey tackles him. The chair blocks our vision from the two. Donnie and I both rush towards them. When they come in sight, Mikey straddles Raph and his hands have a strong hold around Raph's throat. Raph tries to pry the fingers off his neck. Other than that, Raph isn't fighting him.

"Mikey, It's me" Raph manages to get out in a tiny, airless voice. Mikey doesn't relent. Donnie and I grab his shoulders and try to pull him off.

"Mikey stop!" Donnie calls out.

"He deserves it!" Mikey growls at us and tries to shove us off.

"It's not Red, it's your brother." I try to appease but Mikey ignores me. We manage to pull him off but he struggles against us. We hold him back as he tries to push past us.

"Let me go!" He yells at us.

"Mikey, it's Raph!." Donnie tries again as we keep Mikey away.

Raph sits up and rubs his neck. He coughs as he takes in air again.

"Raph leave." I command. It's better if he gets out of Mikey's sight right now. Otherwise I think he'll keep fighting us.

"But I-" Raph's voice is hoarse and sounds painful.

"I'm sorry Raph. Please." Donnie gives an apologetic frown. Raph's face falls and I hurt for him. He looks heartbroken. Mikey never responded like this before with either Donnie or I. He was afraid and he was cautious of us but he never tried to fight us. He was never, angry?

I guess it's because he's gotten to the point where he is no longer afraid.

Instead he just hates.

**Tis all for now folks! Let me know what you think? **

**Review please and thanks! **


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